Saul and Heshe Chew the Oscar Fat

Back again with our two favorite Hollywood veterans, Saul and Heshe.  Meeting for a nosh at Canter's Deli and kibitzing about the Oscar broadcast they saw Sunday night.

"Oy."

"Gevalt."

"Who was the meshugeh who invited Billy Crystal?"

"He was like my cousin Maury.  The one we don't invite to Passover."

"The guy with the cleft palate?"

"Exactly.  At least, Maury can pop off a one-liner.  Billy Crystal?  Your career?  When do we get to sit shiva?"

"Please embrace your AARP card.  It's time.  We have a seat for you here at the counter, you shlemiel."

"Standing up there like some alter kocker.  Waiting for the laugh.  And then bupkis."

"One joke he said the band liked.  Playing to the trombone section.  Hello?  Not even Doc Severinsen would have laughed."

"You should see him shvitzing."

"Oy."

"And, Billy, bubby, what's with the bad plastic surgery?  Did you have it done maybe at Costco?"

"His head looked like a jack o'lantern six weeks after Halloween.

"Please somebody call Bob Hope."

"He's dead."

"Still funnier than that little pisher.  I hope he gets the worst seats in shule for the high holidays."

"They could call Carson.  They could call Benny.  Hello, Danny Kaye, please!"

"Dead, dead, and gay and dead."

"Still funnier...and that includes when he put on the black face to do Samm-ila."

"Except half the audience didn't know who that was.  Sammy smoked his last Newport twenty years ago."

"The jokes were older than us."

"I thought nothing was older than us."

"The whole show I needed like a luch in kup."

"Nobody knows how to do these things anymore.  I go back to the days when they had real stars."

"Whatever happened to Terry Moore?  A shikseh, but nice tits."

"Instead, we got Angelina Jolie with that slit up her leg and we can see all the way to China."

"Which is where her last three kids came from."

"Meanwhile, what was with her face?  She move next to Three Mile Island?"

"What did happen to Terry Moore?  She had a cute face."

"And nice tits."

"Got in himmel!"

"Did you see Chris Rock's hair?  Time machine back to 1974."

"He looked like an old Norman Lear sitcom that my cousin was story editor on."

"These people don't know how to dress.  Even my wife does better and she's strictly outlet mall these days."

"The Artist was the big winner."

"A silent movie.  If only the host picked up that cue."

"Maybe the dog can host next year?"

"Me?  I hope they should all go back to France.  What was the big whoop with that movie?  Was Jerry Lewis in it?"

"Even he would be funnier than Billy Crystal.  And that's without Dino."

"They gave Oprah Winfrey some special award.  What did she ever do for the movie industry?"

"You know how much butter she uses on her popcorn?"

"Was that Christopher Plummer winning an Oscar or was I watching the roll call of dead people?"

"Both, I think." 

"Was your name shown?"

"No.  Yours?"

"No.  Good.  We can order the cole slaw."

"Oy."

"Gevalt."

"That housekeeper from the Help won Best Supporting and she cried like a baby."

"Reminded me of my housekeeper when I bought a new Swifter mop."

"You won an Oscar, lady.  You didn't get next Friday off."

"But the other maid didn't win for Best Actress.  A-ha, the Academy enforced their "one shvartz" rule."

"And neither of them had to sit in the kitchen like Hattie McDaniel."

"Meryl Streep finally won again.  Last time that happened, Billy Crystal was funny." 

"That long ago?"

"She's a class act.  Not like that Jennifer Lopez whose boobie we got to see by accident."

"I would have liked to see Terry Moore's boobie.  Just once."

"When I saw Ben Stiller presenting with that tall redhead Emma Stone, I remembered how much funnier his parents were on the Ed Sullivan Show."

"Funnier than Billy Crystal."

"All of them were.   Stiller and Meara.  Wayne and Shuster.  Totie Fields.  Even with just the one leg."

"Did you see how off-the-beam Robert Downey was?

"Gevalt.  Whose backyard is he sleeping in tonight?"

"I wish Terry Moore had slept in my backyard.  Just once."

"You've got a one track mind."

"I know.  The only trouble is my mind is working express and everything downstairs is local and making all stops."

"Oy."

"Oy.  Pass the mustard."

Dinner last night:  Salami sandwich and salad.