1371: ROBERT II BECOMES KING OF SCOTLAND, BEGINNING THE STUART DYNASTY.
If being king of some place where men wear skirts is your thing, go have at it.
1495: KING CHARLES VIII OF FRANCE ENTERS NAPLES TO CLAIM THE CITY'S THRONE.
And pick up a large pepperoni pizza.
1632: GALILEO'S "DIALGOUE CONCERNING THE TWO CHIEF WORLD SYSTEMS" IS PUBLISHED.
Yeah, but it wasn't one of Oprah's book picks of the month.
1797: THE LAST INVASION OF BRITAIN BEGINS NEAR FISHGUARD, WALES.
The last invasion? What was the Nazis in 1939? A class field trip?
1819: BY THE ADAMS-ONI TREATY, SPAIN SELLS FLORIDA TO THE UNITED STATES FOR FIVE MILLION DOLLARS.
And they have been sending their people to live there ever since.
1847: DURING THE MEXICAN-AMERICAN WAR, 5,000 AMERICAN TROOPS DEFEAT 15,000 MEXICANS.
That's 3 Mexicans for every American soldier. Meanwhile, I don't think this war is over yet.
1855: THE PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIVERSITY IS FOUNDED IN STATE COLLEGE, PENNSYLVANIA.
When were the boys' showers built?
1856: THE REPUBLICAN PARTY OPENS ITS FIRST NATIONAL MEETING IN PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA.
Why are these political groups called "partys?" They don't look like much fun to me.
1862: JEFFERSON DAVIS IS OFFICIALLY INAUGURATED FOR A SIX-YEAR-TERM AS THE PRESIDENT OF THE CONFEDERATE STATES OF AMERICA.
A six-year-term? Yikes. For me, four years is way too long if the guy stinks.
1872: THE PROHIBITION PARTY HOLDS ITS FIRST NATIONAL CONVENTION IN COLUMBUS, OHIO.
Prohibition? That is definitely not a party in my book.
1879: IN UTICA, NEW YORK, FRANK WOOLWORTH OPENS THE FIRST OF MANY FIVE AND DIME WOOLWORTH STORES.
And, on this day only, you probably could buy something in there for fifteen cents.
1889: PRESIDENT GROVER CLEVELAND SIGNS A BILL ADMITTING NORTH DAKOTA, SOUTH DAKOTA, MONTANA, AND WASHINGTON AS US STATES.
Well, that probably added about 27 people to the country's population.
1907: ACTOR SHELDON LEONARD IS BORN.
Psst, hey, buddy....
1907: ACTOR ROBERT YOUNG IS BORN.
Father knows best...and, in this case, also drinks most.
1915: DURING WORLD WAR I, GERMANY INSTITUTES UNRESTRICTED SUBMARINE WARFARE.
You mean it was once restricted?
1918: BASEBALL OWNER CHARLIE FINLEY IS BORN.
Is it redundant if I call him a jackass?
1918: TV ANNOUNCER DON PARDO IS BORN.
He worked till he was 90. Hopefully, it wasn't because he had a lousy pension plan at NBC.
1924: US PRESIDENT CALVIN COOLIDGE BECOMES THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO DELIVER A RADIO BROADCAST FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
So he was officially the first one not to have anything to say.
1930: SINGER MARNI NIXON IS BORN.
Really not a big deal until the day that Audrey Hepburn and Natalie Wood were born.
1932: POLITICIAN TED KENNEDY WAS BORN.
Can you imagine the labor pains when little Rose had to push this fat load out?
1942: DURING WORLD WAR II, PRESIDENT FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT ORDERS GENERAL DOUGLAS MACARTHUR OUT OF THE PHILIPPINES AS JAPAN'S VICTORY BECOMES INEVITABLE.
That's an awful quick hook, if you ask me.
1958: EGYPT AND SYRIA JOIN TO FORM THE UNITED ARAB REPUBLIC.
The last moment of unity ever in the Mideast.
1965: JUSTICE OF THE US SUPREME COURT FELIX FRANKFURTER DIES.
Hot dog!
1974: SAMUEL BYCK TRIES AND FAILS TO ASSASSINATE US PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON.
Talk about blowing your chance at immortality.
1976: SUPREME FLORENCE BALLARD DIES.
She was stopped...in the name of love.
1980: IN LAKE PLACID, NEW YORK, THE UNITED STATES HOCKEY TEAM DFEATS THE SOVIET UNION HOCKEY TEAM, 4-3.
Do you believe in miracles?? Nah!
1983: THE NOTORIOUS BROADWAY FLOP "MOOSE MURDERS' OPENS AND CLOSES ON THE SAME NIGHT.
That's what I get for buying tickets for February 23.
1984: DAVID VETTER, THE BOY IN THE BUBBLE, DIES.
Symbolically, he died during the closing credits of the Lawrence Welk Show.
1985: VIOLINIST EFREM ZIMBALIST DIES.
77 Sunset....no, wait, this is the father. Never mind.
1987: ARTIST ANDY WARHOL DIES.
In his memory, I ate a can of Campbell's Tomato Soup.
1995: ACTOR ED FLANDERS DIES.
He killed himself. Sad. A terrific performance on one of my favorite TV shows of all time, St. Elsewhere.
1997: IN SCOTLAND, SCIENTISTS ANNOUNCE THAT AN ADULT SHEEP NAMED DOLLY HAS BEEN SUCCESSFULLY CLONED.
So, well, hello... Any need to finish this obvious joke?
2002: CARTOONIST CHUCK JONES DIES.
That really is all, folks.
Dinner last night: Smoked beef sausage, rice, and pickled beets.
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