Your Weekend Movie Guide for February 2012

Ticket stubs from back in the day when going to the movies was a big deal.  Even if it was a bloated mess called "Cleopatra" starring a bloated mess called Elizabeth Taylor.  Note the road show ticket prices.  $4.50!!  In 1963, that was big money.

Of course, in 2012, we are saddled with the usual shit at the multiplexes for tickets that cost almost fifteen bucks.  Oh, the humanity.  Well, you folks know the monthly drill.  I'll flip through the Los Angeles Times movie pages and let you in on what to see and, more likely, what to avoid.

The Descendants:  I wrote twice that this George Clooney flick is way overrated.  Watch as I announce that for the third time.   It is way overrated.

The Artist:   I wrote twice that this silent flick is way overrated.  Watch as I announce that for the third time.   It is way overrated.

The Vow:  I'll make one myself.  Never to see this weepy chick flick.

Albert Nobbs:  Glenn Close crossdressing is redundant.  By the way, the star already has a guy's name.

The Woman in Black:  Daniel Radcliffe in some horror dribble which probably has nothing to do with that woman who shows up at Rudolph Valentino's crypt once a year.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy:  I'm personally waiting for Cey Russell Lopes Garvey----a movie about the Dodger infield in 1978.

The Iron Lady:  Unlike other Oscar worthy movies, I thought this biopic was way underrated.  See it for another bravura performance by Ms. Streep.

Safe House:  A young CIA agent is tasked with looking after a fugitive in a safe house. But when the safe house is attacked, he finds himself on the run with his charge.  With Denzel Washington, Ryan Reynolds, and nobody that even remotely looks like me in the theater.

In Darkness:  A dramatization of one man's rescue of Jewish refugees in the Nazi-occupied Polish city of Lvov.  It's nominated for Best Foreign Film Oscar, but, then again, isn't every movie with a logline like this???

The Grey: In Alaska, an oil drilling team struggle to survive after a plane crash strands them in the wild. Hunting the humans are a pack of wolves who see them as intruders.  I'd go if I could root for the animals.

Journey 2 - The Mysterious Island in 3D:    This mess stars The Rock, which means it's the first 3-D movie with acting that doesn't get past the first dimension.

Man on A Ledge:   As a police psychologist works to talk down an ex-con who is threatening to jump from a Manhattan hotel rooftop, the biggest diamond heist ever committed is in motion.  I'd go only if they let me yell out "jump."

Ghost Rider - Spirit of Vengeance:  The supernatural antihero teams up with a rebel monk to save a young boy.  Is this a franchise?  Have there been other Ghost Rider movies?  Wake me up, please.

The Secret World of Arrietty:  The Clock family are four-inch-tall people who live anonymously in another family's residence, borrowing simple items to make their home. Life changes for the Clocks when their daughter, Arrietty, is discovered.   Japanese animation with a French slant.  I can't think of anything worse except maybe having a root canal done by the Pep Boys.

Bullhead:  A young cattle farmer is approached by a veterinarian to make a deal with a notorious beef trader.  Litigation from Omaha Steaks pending.

Thin Ice:  An insurance agent looking for a way out of frigid Wisconsin is blackmailed by an unstable locksmith in the theft of a rare violin that belongs to a retired farmer.   It stars Greg Kinnear and Alan Arkin and also presents another good reason to avoid ever visiting Wisconsin.

Undefeated:  A documentary on an underdog football team in Memphis who look to reverse their fortunes with coach Bill Courtney.   Skip and simply rent the first seasons of "Friday Night Lights."

How Much Does Your Building Weigh, Mr. Foster:  The film traces the rise of one of the world's premier architects, Norman Foster, and his unending quest to improve the quality of life through design.  This actually sounds worse than having dental work at your car mechanic.

One for the Money:  Unemployed and newly-divorced Stephanie Plum lands a job at her cousin's bail-bond business, where her first assignment puts her on the trail of a wanted local cop from her romantic past.   It stars Katherine Heigl.  It must suck.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close:  A surprise Oscar nominee for Best Picture.  People actually hissed when they announced that.  As for me, the movie is much better than I expected.  Certainly more interesting than The Artist.  And it also features sound.

Big Miracle:  In small town Alaska, a news reporter recruits his ex-girlfriend - a Greenpeace volunteer - on a campaign to save a family of gray whales trapped by rapidly forming ice in the Arctic Circle.   Purely for nature fanatics or people who love to see Drew Barrymore in skin tight scuba gear.  Wait, that's me.

This Means War:  Two top CIA operatives wage an epic battle against one another after they discover they are dating the same woman.   A cross between "24" and  "Sex and the City."  Purely for people who love to see Reese Winterspoon in skimpy clothing.  Wait, that's me.

Contraband:  To protect his brother-in-law from a drug lord, a former smuggler heads to Panama to score millions of dollars in counterfeit bills.   Mark Wahlberg stars, so expect at least fifteen minutes of shirtless footage.

Chronicle:  Three high school friends gain superpowers after making an incredible discovery. Soon, though, they find their lives spinning out of control and their bond tested as they embrace their darker sides.   I can't wait to see them take the SATs.

Dinner last night:  Taylor ham sandwich.