Morons of the Month - November 2013

In this monthly feature of late, we have pretty much included every single politician that ruins this country on a daily basis.  Whether they be a Democrat or a Republican, they are all guilty as charged.

So, you're probably thinking that, in this November 2013, the obvious nominees for Morons would be all the assholes associated with the failed health care initiative.  

Too easy.   And, frankly, I'd like to take a rest from all that drivel.  Suffice it to say, they're all scum.  From the very top office of the land to the lowest alderman of Bumfuk, Iowa, may they all rot in a toasty Hell.

I'm not going there this month.  Let's salute the Morons that we can all agree on.

The telemarketers.

Ah, I have your attention now.

You're sitting down to a nice dinner.

Ring ring.

You're reading your favorite magazine or plan to binge watch the last five episodes of "The Big Bang Theory."

Ring ring.

You think about not answering it.   But you wonder if just maybe it's a friend of yours.  

Ring ring.

You reach for the phone.  And....

It's a recorded announcement.  

"Do you know how much bacteria is living in your heating ducts right now?"

Or...

"We're in your area right now with a special offer on storm windows."

Or...

"This is Bill Clinton asking you to vote for Joe Schmo on Election Day."

Grrrr.

Some years back, there was a big push in this nation with a "Do Not Call" list put together by the Federal Government.  Everybody registered.  I even enrolled my parents and they've been dead for almost twenty years.  

Okay, that didn't work.   There are so many exceptions to the rule that the legislation was virtually dead-on-arrival.  And, if the government can't put together a decent "Do Not Call" roster, how will they manage your health care when you're 65?

But, I digress...

Long story short.  The phone is still ringing and there's a computer on the other end.  Or somebody from some third world armpit.  And, even if it's a live voice that sounds American-born, you're still annoyed.

"Hi, would your household like to take part in a survey about what's wrong in your community?"

No.

"Are you happy with your current car insurance?"

Yes.

"Are you planning to vote on Tuesday?"

Yes and no.

Suddenly, your past sneaks up on you.   Because you bought a ticket to a local theater production two years ago, you are now fair game and a likely audience target for future stagings.

"We wanted to let you know that we'll be doing 'Cat on a Hot Tin Roof' with Bernie Kopell and Ruth Buzzi..."

Kill me now.
 
Of course, beyond all the nuisance robo calls, there is also a sinister force lurking on the other end of that conversation, too.  Scam artists.  You realize just how stupid some of the folks in this country are.  Because, as obviously crooked as these thieves are, you know some people are falling hard for these ripoffs.

Over the past year, I've received several calls from one of them.  Maybe you have, too.  The person sounds far away and has one of those accents from a land where a daily monsoon is always expected.  

"Hello.   You are on Windows.  We can see from our headquarters that your computer is operating very slow."

Now, think about it.  The person with a soupcon of common sense knows this is a fraud.  As if somebody in a far-off land can really see how badly your computer is performing.   But, sadly, you know that there are lemmings who will fall for this.  And, hell, everybody thinks their computer is not working properly.  

When I got this call twice in one month, I did an internet search on this and found I was not alone.   Scumbags are doing this all the time, usually from India or China.  And they try to sell you a program that will rid your PC of this very unique virus.  Or worse they ask you to give them virtual control of your system.  They gain access to your life.  And you pay them $49.95 for the honor of doing so.

What a world we live in.

So, last week, I get another call from one of these shitbags.  But, this time, I'm feeling a little frisky.  I decide to play along.  On the other end of the phone dialogue is this Indian woman.

Her:   Hello, sir, good evening.  I am at the Windows company.  We can see that your computer is performing very slowly.  It is infected with a new virus that is plaguing many computers this week.

Me:  (STIFLING GIGGLES)  Oh, no.  I was wondering what was causing that.  I am very annoyed.

Her:  Do not worry, sir, because we can repair this for you.   Your computer will be running much faster, thank you very much.  Are you interested in how we can help you?

I deliberately don't respond.

Her:  Hello, sir?

Me:  Oh, I'm sorry.  I was so distracted.  I'm sitting at my computer right now and it's doing this very weird thing.  Is that the virus?

Her:  Yes, it is, sir.  

Me:  Can you fix this for me?

Her:  Yes, sir, we can.  We will offer you software that you can download and will take care of this virus.  

Me:  How much does it cost?

Her:  $149.95.  And it is guaranteed.

Me:  Well, that's a fair price for somebody to get their computer fixed.

Her:  Thank you very much.  Let's get started.   How will you be paying for this?

Me:  Bank Americard.  (STIFLING ANOTHER LAUGH)

Her:  Thank you very much.  May I have the number please, sir?

I rattle off about 15 digits so as not to match up with any card number that could possibly exist.

Her:  Thank you very much, sir.  And the billing address associated with the card, sir?

I was thinking of a variety of answers.  Here's the one I chose.

Me:  It's a long one, so I will go slow.  1-6-0-0...

Her:  Yes.  

Me:  Let me spell the rest for you.  P-E-N-N-S-Y-L-V-A-N-I-A  Avenue.

Her:  Yes.

Me:  W-A-S-H-I-N-G-T-O-N, D-C.

Her:  Yes.   And your last name first, sir.

Oh, why not.

Me:  O-B-A...

Click.

This time, the telemarketer hung up on me.
  Dinner last night:  Roast beef and salad in the NY domicile.