Your Holiday Shopping Guide for 2013

If you are one of the idiots who went out Christmas shopping at 3AM today, please never cross my path.  There is no need for that nonsense.   Let me...and Skymall...shop for you with these nifty gift ideas.

Make your front yard festive for the holidays with this inflatable tree.  You don't have to water it.  You don't have to worry about Fluffy eating the tinsel and crapping silver strands for weeks.  You don't have to clean up pine needles until July.  Simply select your favorite relative with the most hot air and let them blow.  

Because your dog deserves a mattress as firm as yours.   Sealy now making posture-pedic comfort for Skippy.   Meanwhile, have you seen a dog with a bad back?

Want some body ink without the needles?   These T-shirts are clear with some tatts already painted on.  I can't think of a bigger waste of money this holiday season.

When you stop worrying about the pooch's posture, focus on yours with this harness.  Endorsed personally by Joan Crawford.  Used it on our her own children for years.

Drink champagne out of the shoe of your football widow before she hits you over the head with the bottle.

This is a tracking device for your luggage.  And that's terrific if your suitcase actually winds up in the same airport as you.

A single device that will store every one of your passwords.  Of course, if one thief finds the whole thing, you are definitely screwed.

A safe for your valuables hidden in a Pringles can.  Of course, if crooks access Skymall, they will be on the lookout for your potato chip stash.

It's a living room end table.   And a bathroom for Frisky.   Okay, you're sitting and watching your favorite TV show while the cat is taking a crap inches away.  This piece of junk better come with a big can of Glade.

As if we don't have enough lawyers in this country.   Available in adult and children's versions, the latter called the "John F. Kennedy Jr." edition.

Let your kid dress up like a doctor.   And, if you like your child, you can keep your child.

Take this junk and watch the fat melt away.  Endorsed by Oprah's quack, Dr. Oz, which tells me this crap doesn't work.

Dinner last night:  The traditional Thanksgiving dinner.