27 BC: GAIUS JULIUS CAESAR OCTAVIANUS IS GRANTED THE TITLE OF AUGUSTUS BY THE ROMAN SENATE.
That's an awful lot to put on one business card.
378: GENERAL FIRE IS BORN CONQUERS TIKAL, ENLARGING THE DOMAIN OF KING SPEARTHROWER OWL.
Okay, that looks like bad grammar, but it's not. The guy's name is Fire Is Born.
929: EMIR ABD-AR-RAHMAN III ESTABLISHED THE CALIPHATE OF CORDOBA.
Cordoba...I love their plush leather interiors.
1362: A STORM TIDE IN THE NORTH SEA DESTROYS THE GERMAN CITY OF RUNGHOLD ON THE ISLAND OF STRAND.
Which left them all......okay, everybody, together......strand-ed.
1412: THE MEDICI FAMILY IS APPOINTED OFFICIAL BANKER OF THE PAPACY.
And later renamed themselves "First National Vatican."
1492: THE FIRST GRAMMAR OF THE SPANISH LANGUAGE IS PRESENTED TO QUEEN ISABELLA I.
Her response: "you ain't kiddin'"
1572: THOMAS HOWARD, FOURTH DUKE OF NORFOLK, IS TRIED FOR TREASON FOR HIS PART IN THE PLOT TO RESTORE CATHOLICISM IN ENGLAND.
Did he really want to bring back "meatless Fridays?"
1581: THE ENGLISH PARLIAMENT OUTLAWS ROMAN CATHOLICISM.
I guess they didn't.
1786: VIRGINIA ENACTED THE STATUTE FOR RELIGIOUS FREEDOM AUTHORED BY THOMAS JEFFERSON.
Sadly, I think this needs to be re-enacted in 2019.
1883: THE UNITED STATES CIVIL SERVICE BEGINS.
And you still can't fire them.
1908: BROADWAY STAR ETHEL MERMAN IS BORN.
No surprise. She was the loudest baby in the maternity ward.
1910: BASEBALL PLAYER DIZZY DEAN IS BORN.
Short for Dizzathon.
1909: ERNEST SHACKLETON'S EXPEDITION FINDS THE MAGNETIC SOUTH POLE.
What's the attraction?
1919: THE UNITED STATES RATIFIES THE EIGHTEENTH AMENDMENT, AUTHORING PROHIBITION IN AMERICA.
Talk about your black days in history.
1920: THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS HOLDS ITS FIRST COUNCIL MEETING IN PARIS, FRANCE.
And good news....no designated hitter.
1942: CRASH OF TWA FLIGHT 3, KILLING ALL 22 ABOARD.
Including....
1942: ACTRESS CAROLE LOMBARD IS KILLED.
Sorry, Clark.
1945: ADOLF HITLER MOVES INTO HIS UNDERGROUND BUNKER, THE SO-CALLED FUHRERBUNKER.
Clever name, Nazis.
1950: CHOREOGRAPHER DEBBIE ALLEN IS BORN.
Thereby ruining about a dozen or so future Oscar telecasts.
1956: PRESIDENT GAMAL ABDEL NASSER OF EGYPT VOWS TO RECONQUER PALESTINE.
Sixty three years later, this nonsense is still going on.
1972: ACTOR ROSS BAGDASARIAN JR. DIES.
Alvin? Alvin? ALVIN!!!!!!
1973: ANNA CHRISTIAN WATERS DISAPPEARS FROM HER BACKYARD. SHE IS NEVER FOUND.
Yet, it was Etan Patz who everybody thinks was the first one on a milk carton.
1979: THE SHAH OF IRAN FLEES IRAN AND RELOCATES TO EGYPT.
Location, location, location.
1979: ACTOR TED CASSIDY DIES.
You rang?
1980: BASEBALL STAR ALBERT PUJOLS IS BORN.
There will be no birthday cards with the postmark "St. Louis."
1991: THE COALITION FORCES GO TO WAR WITH IRAQ, BEGINNING THE GULF WAR.
The Gulf War....sponsored by Exxon.
1997: ENNIS, SON OF BILL COSBY, IS KILLED.
About two miles from where I am typing this.
2003: THE SPACE SHUTTLE COLUMBIA TAKES OFF FOR ITS FINAL VOYAGE. IT DISINTEGRATES 16 DAYS LATER UPON RE-ENTRY.
Cheap foreign parts.
2009: PAINTER ANDREW WYETH DIES.
Wyeth? He stopped breathing.
2014: ACTOR DAVE MADDEN DIES.
A partridge in a casket.
2017: ASTRONAUT GENE CERNAN DIES.
Outer space and beyond.
Dinner last night: Leftover beef stew.
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