AD 30: THE POSSIBLE DATE OF THE CRUCIFIXION OF JESUS CHRIST.
You mean CNN can't tell us this definitively.
451: ATTILA THE HUN SACKS THE TOWN OF METZ.
Let's go, Metz.
1141: EMPRESS MATHILDA BECAME THE FIRST FEMALE RULER OF ENGLAND, ADOPTING THE TITLE "THE LADY OF THE ENGLISH."
Self involved.
1521: FERDINAND MAGELLAN ARRIVES AT CEBU.
Or so the GPS told him.
1541: FRANCIS XAVIER LEAVES LISBON ON A MISSION TO THE PORTUGUESE EAST INDIES.
I read that so fast that I thought the actress who played Aunt Bee on the "Andy Griffith Show" was involved.
1805: GERMAN COMPOSER LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN PREMIERED THE THIRD SYMPHONY IN VIENNA.
The first two were already marked down on Spotify.
1829: JOSEPH SMITH, FOUNDER OF THE LATTER DAY SAINT MOVEMENT, COMMENCES TRANSLATION OF "THE BOOK OF MORMON."
Just wait till you can see it on Broadway.
1891: CIRCUS MAN P.T. BARNUM IS BORN.
Well, that's the first ring.
1897: JOURNALIST WALTER WINCHELL IS BORN.
Journalist??????
1906: MOUNT VESUVIUS ERUPTS AND DEVASTATES NAPLES.
What's that hot liquid in the street?
1908: COMPOSER PERCY FAITH IS BORN.
A Summer Place.
1915: SINGER BILLIE HOLIDAY IS BORN.
Sing those blues, Lady.
1927: THE FIRST LONG DISTANCE PUBLIC TELEVISION BROADCAST FROM WASHINGTON DC TO NEW YORK CITY. IT DISPLAYS THE IMAGE OF HERBERT HOOVER.
Well, that's what Fox showed.
1928: ACTOR JAMES GARNER IS BORN.
Maverick!
1933: PROHIBITION IS REPEALED IN THE US FOR BEER.
So they unbundled whiskey and vodka?
1938: CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR JERRY BROWN IS BORN.
A two-time failure as Governor, but he did fuck Linda Ronstadt, so bonus points.
1939: FILMMAKER FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA IS BORN.
We forgive you for "The Godfather III."
1939: TV HOST DAVID FROST IS BORN.
The only man in the world to interview both Richard Nixon and Totie Fields.
1940: BOOKER T. WASHINGTON BECOMES THE FIRST AFRICAN AMERICAN TO BE DEPICTED ON ON A US STAMP.
Back in the day when the Post Office was actually efficient.
1948: THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION IS ESTABLISHED BY THE UNITED NATIONS.
Back in the day when the World Health Organization was actually efficient.
1949: THE RODGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN MUSICAL "SOUTH PACIFIC" OPENS ON BROADWAY.
Bali H'ai!
1950: ACTOR WALTER HUSTON DIES.
Badges? We don't need no stinking badges.
1954: ACTOR JACKIE CHAN IS BORN.
Hi Ya!
1954: US PRESIDENT DWIGHT EISENHOWER GIVES HIS "DOMINO THEORY" SPEECH.
Frankly, there is better pizza to be discussed elsewhere.
1955: WINSTON CHURCHILL RESIGNS AS BRITISH PRIME MINISTER AMID INDICATIONS OF FAILING HEALTH.
Yet, he hung around for another ten years.
1969: THE INTERNET'S SYMBOLIC BIRTH DATE.
April 8...server down.
1971: PRESIDENT RICHARD NIXON ANNOUNCES THE DECISION TO QUICKEN THE PACE OF VIETNAMIZATION.
Whatever the hell that is.
1978: DEVELOPMENT OF THE NEUTRON BOMB IS CANCELLED BY PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER.
A nice man, but oh, what, a failure.
1994: AUBURN CALLOWAY ATTEMPTS TO DESTROY FED EX FLIGHT 705 IN ORDER TO ALLOW HIS FAMILY TO BENEFIT FROM HIS LIFE INSURANCE POLICY.
People got their packages long after 10AM.
2001: ACTRESS BEATRICE STRAIGHT DIES.
Won an Oscar for only six minutes on screen in "Network."
2003: US TROOPS CAPTURE BAGHDAD. SADDAM HUSSEIN'S REGIME FALLS TWO DAYS LATER.
B'uh, bye.
2012: NEWSCASTER MIKE WALLACE DIES.
Tick, tick, tick....tock.
2015: HUMORIST STAN FREBERG DIES.
This guy's voice was on every cartoon ever made.
Dinner last night: Leftover flank steak and mushrooms.
No comments:
Post a Comment