Baseball, Apple Pie, and Wednesday

And the Fourth of July...how much better can it get?

---I look at this promotional photo of Vivian Vance and William Frawley and I wonder if they really did try to blow each other up.

---Every time I miss NY a little bit, I need to remember two words.

---Summer humidity.

---On those days, Manhattan is nothing more than Indonesia with skycrapers.

---If I had some pork dumplings in my back pack, they would have been steamed by the end of last Friday.

---I. however, was fried.

---I went to a high school graduation in Rockland County. On a humid football field, where the mosquitoes were graduating top of the class.

---I swear I could hear those bugs laughing as they stabbed me.

---I had one t-shirt that needed to surgically removed. I was using sweat glands that hadn't worked in years.

---Can we reverse the school year so kids graduate in January?

---So I can sweat like a bandit indoors.

---When you're in NY for a Met-Yankee subway series, it's really a lot of fun to quickly flip between the radio stations that cover the game.

---That way, the Mets' play-by-play guy, Howie Rose, can tell you what really happened. Especially if you were just listening to the Yankees' bloated announcer John Sterling.

---On the Yankee station, a ball landed in the upper deck. On the Met broadcast, the ball landed two levels below.

---It's like they staged Rashomon in the Shea Stadium press box.

---Sterling missed so many plays that I was convinced he was trying to call the game with a laundry bag over his head in a Turkish prison.

---And what the hell is going on with Sterling's sidekick, Susyn Waldman?

---She's either drinking, just got new dentures, or recently had a stroke. Every word is slurred.

---For five minutes, I thought the Yankees had added Liza Minnelli to their broadcast crew.

---Memo to all Yankee fans: Liza is the original singer of "New York, New York" not that goofball Sinatra who sang it during those years when he never got one single lyric correct.

---"I've got you under my glass."

---"That's why the lady is a shoe."

---"My kind of town...Broccoli is."

---My favorite Sinatra buffoonery story, however, spins around daughter Nancy. When the old bastard finally died, they couldn't reach her.

---Because she had taken her phone off the hook to watch the final episode of Seinfeld.

---I will take Dean Martin over that Hoboken shithead every day and in every way.

---I had a Business Class upgrade on the way back to LA, but it came with a price. I was sitting next to some old man who obviously couldn't process the warm nuts he was snacking on.

---Even my Bose headphones couldn't block out the sucking noises that were coming from Seat 11J.

---Separated at birth? Mets Manager Jerry Manuel and Morgan Freeman.

---The Yankees' Alex Rodriguez and Madonna are supposedly an item. Who's fooling who?

---A-Rod was probably still in Little League when she was "Desperately Seeking Susan."

---Mrs. A-Rod needs to start lunching regularly with Mrs. Clinton and Mrs. Spitzer.

---If you're not yet on the list of people being considered for the Vice Presidential slot on either ticket, you should wonder why. Everybody else is.

---The roster of also-rans and never-weres that populate this group of losers is astounding. All grappling for the most useless job in the country.

---You essentially need to do nothing but be on call to attend the state funeral when the King of Bumfukborg croaks.

---You have to be crazy to want to be Vice President. And then, when you really are, they bounce you. Remember Thomas Eagleton?

---I wonder if Obama will be getting college credit if he gets in, since he's got about as much experience as the summer college intern down the hall.

---Starbucks is closing 600 stores. And that means there are only 29 million left.

---I guess consumers are choosing gas over that Cafe Americano.

---Although with a double shot, I'm thinking my car might actually run on that swill.

Dinner last night: Homemade Chili Con Carne.