Boo

Um, that would be "boo" as a verb, not as the traditional Halloween greeting.

It's a rare happening when I go out to see a mainstream movie during its opening weekend.  But, there was some early intrigue for me in this Tim Burton send-up of the old 60s TV soap opera, "Dark Shadows."  From the trailers and everything I had read in advance, the filmmaker had really camped it up. 

I'm starting to think and smile in advance.  Hmmm, they took the "Brady Bunch" approach, which was turned into a marvelously funny satire for the big screen.  That's a movie I simply can't turn off when I run into it while cable-channel-surfing.  And there could be oodles of possibilities with this "Dark Shadows," despite the fact that I never watched the original TV show. 

Not that I didn't try.  It was on late enough in the day that I was home from school already.  And my grandmother certainly did love her "stories."  I tuned in one day and invited Grandma to watch with me.  One more TV show for us to bond over.

After ten minutes of Jonathan Frid's vampire antics, my grandmother gave it her patented version of a bad review.  She waved both her arms at the TV screen in disgust.

"Stupid."

And that was it for me and "Dark Shadows."

Of course, this didn't stop me from sampling a hopefully comedic edition of the show on the big screen some forty or so years later.  My friends and I totally expected this to be a packed attraction on its opening weekend.  It had all the earmarks of being a blockbuster.

Yeah, well, the Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard was about half full for the Saturday 8PM show.  And I'm guessing that that there will be even less for next Saturday's 8PM show.  That is if the Chinese Theater doesn't dump on the engagement altogether.  This was a misfire all around.

To those of us suckers thinking that this would be as successful as the campy knock-off of "The Brady Bunch," well, I already called us suckers---blood or otherwise.  If that was the objective of Tim Burton and company, this was a miscalculation of epic proportions.  Let's face it, "The Brady Bunch" has lived and endured through almost three generations of TV viewers.  Regardless of your age, most people got the gags in that movie, whether you were a fan of the TV show or not.

"Dark Shadows?"  Has anybody given this a second thought since it originally left the airwaves in the late 60s?  Anybody other than some 40-year-old plus comic book store geek who's still living in Mom's basement?  Unless I missed about ten years worth of Entertainment Weeklys, I didn't hear the public hue and cry to see "Dark Shadows" turned into a major Hollywood production for your local multiplex.

Maybe Tim Burton was a big fan.  From what I am told by fans of the original TV show, Burton does use a lot of the characters and the story set-up from television.  But, suddenly, he thrusts the lead blood sucker Barnabas Collins into the year 1972 and major pop culture shock ensues.  A promising idea that wears thin about five minutes later.  It's sort of like ordering a pizza and then only getting to eat the crust.  If there's a Guinness World Record for "missed opportunities," this movie sets it hands-down.

Since this is a Tim Burton movie, it naturally stars Johnny Depp in globs of make-up.  Does anybody remember what this actor really looks like?  Depp is, of course, Barnabas and he gets to prance all around some fishing port in New England as he looks for the next neck he will have for dinner.  He's been cooped up in a coffin for about two hundred years so you can understand that he's a bit dehydrated.  But, he's back and looking to catch up with his family Collins, or, at least, the ones that are now descendents in the wild and wooly 1970s.   We know it's that decade because Burton employs some of the cheesiest pop tunes from that era as his soundtrack.  Indeed, that's the fun part of the film, although, admittedly, I could easily listen to the Carpenters sing "Top of the World" on ITunes.  I didn't necessarily have to pay sixteen bucks and waste two hours in the dark.

The latter day Collins family is dysfunctional as well with Michelle Pfeiffer leading the way as the "normal" matriarch to a bunch of loons that include a live-in psychiatrist, played by Helena Bonham Carter wearing one of Lucille Ball's old wigs, and a drunken handyman, essayed by Jackie Earle Haley.  He's made to look very creepy.  Frankly, you don't need that much make-up to get Haley to appear absolutely ghoulish.  The family goofballs try mightily to work up some comedic moments with their new/old vampire uncle, but it all comes off like a constipated three-year-old child.  You know the kid has to "make," but, two hours later, he or she is still sitting on the toilet. 

"Dark Shadows" is equally stopped up.  You wait and wait and wait for the cleverness but it is so slowly distributed that the long stretches in between the fun seem even more protracted.    While Barnabas is busy sucking somebody's blood, Tim Burton is busy sucking every last bit of energy from his audience.

There's some inane plot about the family's fishing business and their competition run by the evil Angelique, a witch who is still seeking revenge for some wrongs done to her by Barnabas centuries ago.  Talk about holding a grudge.  This battle, of course, takes us to the usual moronic ending of any Hollywood movie made in 2012.  A fight to the death that involves tons of crappy computer graphics and explosions.  Burton here is trying to appeal to the typical mainstream movie audience of our day---the 18-t0-24 year-old schmuck who goes to the multiplex and wants to see a lot of shit blown up.  The only trouble here is that this demographic doesn't know what the hell "Dark Shadows" is.   He's trying to appeal to a target audience that won't even be in the theater.

"Dark Shadows" could have been a lot of fun.  But, at the end of a long two hours, you wind up with nothing more than unfulfilled promise and a back that's sore from your endless fidgeting.  If you're a fan of the old TV show, you simply have to satisfy yourself by getting to see some of the former soap stars show up briefly in wordless cameo appearances as some party guests.  But, if you remember the TV show fondly, I'd suggest you live with your memories and some DVD box sets.  There's nothing in the film, satirical or otherwise, that makes it worth your time, money, or posture.

When the movie ended, I waved my two arms at the screen.

"Stupid."

Hello again, Grandma.

Dinner last night:  German salami sandwich and salad.