"Tonight for Sure."
"Scanty Panties."
And, for those horny UCLA students, "The Ruined Bruin."
This reminds me of a marquee I once saw in Manhattan outside one of those smutty skin flick houses.
"If You See Kay."
That's always been my favorite.
And, as horrible as those porno movies likely are, they might still be a better choice than what mainstream Hollywood is unleashing on us this weekend. You know the monthly drill. I'll comb through the Los Angeles Times movie pages and let you know how much dandruff falls out. My gut reaction to the crap in our multiplexes.
The Dictator: Sacha Baron Cohen's take on a terrorist. He scored once with "Borat." He will never do it again. The schmuck at your dinner party who laughs loudest at his own jokes.
Dark Shadows: Reviewed here earlier this week. Put a stake in its heart, please.
Marvel's The Avengers: The comic book company is part of the title. That's the way you know this has absolutely nothing to do with the old TV show starring Patrick Macnee and Diana Rigg. More super hero mayhem strictly for those dropped on their heads at a very early age.
The Five-Year Engagement: Is Jason Segal doing home renovations? Because he must need the dough since he is in every single movie that Hollywood has produced in the last eight months.
THe Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: British retirees travel to India to take up residence in what they believe is a newly restored hotel. Less luxurious than its advertisements, the Marigold Hotel nevertheless slowly begins to charm in unexpected ways. Very British with stars Tom Wilkinson, Maggie Smith, and Judi Dench. It's a PBS pledge drive with Raisinets.
Girl in Progress: As single mom Grace juggles work, bills, and her affair with a married doctor, her daughter, Ansiedad, plots a shortcut to adulthood after finding inspiration in the coming-of-age stories she's reading for school. The cast includes Eva Mendes, Matthew Modine, and a lot of Hispanic names. Sounds like the Bobbsey Twins will be renamed the Ramirez Sisters.
The Hunger Games: I am one of five people in America not to see this. Can you name the four others?
The Pirates! Band of Misfits: The exclamation point is really part of the title. More cartoon dreck that gives B-list unemployable actors some voiceover work. Hugh Grant is one of the cast members so he might still be paying off some bail bonds.
Think Like a Man: A take-off on Steve Harvey's best selling book. And when did you ever think you would see those last five words connected in the same sentence?
Sound of My Voice: A journalist and his girlfriend get pulled in while they investigate a cult whose leader claims to be from the future. Sounds suspiciously like a documentary about Barack Obama.
Men in Black 3: Well, it doesn't open until next weekend, but I'm doing my public service here and giving you an early warning to stay the hell away from this.
Where Do We Go Now?: A group of Lebanese women try to ease religious tensions between Christians and Muslims in their village. Hmm, I'm interested. No, wait. I read that wrong. Lebanese. Er, never mind.
What to Expect When You're Expecting: Tales about five expectant couples and it stars Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Lopez, Elizabeth Banks, Matthew Morrison, Dennis Quaid, and Chris Rock. This reads like an episode synopsis of "The Love Boat" except the cruise ship gift shop is all out of condoms.
Tonight You're Mine: Two feuding rock stars get handcuffed together for 24 hours at a music festival where they are both due to perform. Er, that was an "I Love Lucy" episode that originally aired on October 6, 1952.
Mirror Mirror: Julia Roberts as an evil queen steals control of a kingdom and an exiled princess enlists the help of seven resourceful rebels to win back her birthright. If you don;t realize this is a knock-off of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs," you are truly too stupid to continue as one of my regular readers.
Going Down in LA-LA Land: A handsome Hollywood hopeful gets caught up in the sordid world of prostitution and gay porn after arriving in L.A. with stars in his eyes. Back in 1964, this might have been on the same bill with "The Ruined Bruin."
Hysteria: A lighthearted romantic comedy based on the surprising truth of how Dr. Mortimer Granville came up with the world's first electro-mechanical vibrator. Hey, now! Some audiences might find this quite satisfying.
Battleship: Peter Berg ('Hancock') produces and directs 'Battleship,' an epic action-adventure that unfolds across the seas, in the skies and over land as our planet fights for survival against a superior force. Blah, blah, blah. Doesn't this sound like every summer movie from the past decade?
The Samaritan: Some dreary crap starring Samuel L. Jackson who is perhaps one of the most overrated actors working today. Yeah, he's bad. Yeah, he's bad. Puh-leze.
Lovely Molly: Newlywed Molly moves into her deceased father's house in the countryside, where painful memories soon begin to haunt her. Sounds like "Topper" but with a regular dosage of Zoloft.
Mansome: Documentarian Morgan Spurlock, who previously made himself sick on an all-McDonald's diet, now takes on male grooming and the subsequent obsession. None of this really applies to me. Oh, who am I kidding? Yes, it does. Hopefully, there's a whole segment on dealing with nose hairs that develop into pimples.
A Bag of Hammers: Jason Ritter, who's actually a much better actor than his dad was, stars in a tale about two misfit best friends incapable of growing up, whose direction is tested by an abandoned child, worn beyond his years; together they invent the family they've always needed. A Disney Channel version of "Three's Company."
Virginia: Jennifer Connelly and Ed Harris star. A sheriff sees his state senate bid slide out onto the ice when his daughter begins to date the son of a charming but psychologically disturbed woman with whom the sheriff has engaged in a two-decade-long affair. Clearly, this isn't going to feature Andy Griffith and Don Knotts, because Mayberry was so much more sedate. BUt I did always have my suspicions about Juanita down at the diner.
The Yankles: A story about Charlie Jones, a washed up, ex major league ballplayer, and how he gets a second chance at life and love by managing a Jewish, orthodox yeshiva baseball team. If you think this sounds weird, you ain't heard nothing yet. The cast list includes...Donny Most. I repeat. Donny Most.
Bill W: A documentary about Bill Wilson, the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. "Hello, my name is Len and I have no interest in this movie."
Indie Games - The Movie: All about independent video game designers. If you wanted to come up with a documentary that would completely bore me, this might be it.
Natural Selection: Having discovered that her dying husband has an illegitimate child living in Florida, a devout Christian housewife leaves her sheltered world on a mission to reunite father and son. If you wanted to come up with a drama that would completely bore me, this might be it.
Dinner last night: Hamburger.
1 comment:
"Scanty Panties" wasn't on a double bill with "Mary Poppins"?
Despite my loathing of "Three's Company", I must defend John Ritter as an actor. His talent was overshadowed by that shitcom and the other junk he did. Check out his performance in "Bad Santa". He's quite good.
Sometimes a career is ruined by success.
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