Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

So, after my latest colonoscopy, my doctor told me that things were so clean I wouldn't have to come back for five years.  When I relayed that news to a good friend, he congratulated me.

"Congratulations.  That means you probably won't die of colon cancer."

Since the rest of my body seems to be in perfect order right now, I'm thinking about just what is my most prominent physical ailment at the moment.

Okay, there are those annoyingly arthritic knees, longing for some metal reinforcement.

But, beyond that, all is A-Okay.

Uh oh, just wait a doggone minute.

It started innocently during my June haircut appointment with my terrific stylist Lisa.

"Gee, I never saw this before."

Lisa held up a mirror so I could see the back of my head.  

Audible scream!  I see skin there!

It wasn't a lot but it was enough for me who, up until this very moment, had a full head of hair.  Did a clump drop out in the car on the way over?  Somebody check in the men's room.  If there's a piece there, some Elmer's Glue will fix me right up.

Lisa wasn't really worried.  She immediately fixed me up with some Nioxin shampoo and conditioner.  She and her husband have been using it for years and neither one of them look like Larry Fine of the Three Stooges.

"Use it every day."

And I did.  Goodbye, Crew Shampoo.  A bientot, Paul Mitchell.  Later for you, Redken.  I have a new best friend in the shower.

I even go to the trouble of buying this swill on the East Coast so my New York shower is fully equipped.  But, it was while I was there in July that I noticed something else.

It reacted very oddly to the humid air.  Now I'm no stranger to this.  For some bizarre reason, New York water and weather has always played tricks with my hair.  Suddenly, it becomes wavier.  Harder to comb.  And just all around unmanageable.  

But, on this trip, my coif starts acting really weird.  The natural side part is now inexplicably in the middle.  No matter how much product or other crap I dump on, the hair has gone into full attack mode.  And I'm apparently the enemy.

I was due for another hair appointment when I got back.  I mentioned it to Lisa and she immediately started to examine.

"Hmmm, it's getting a little thinner in the front."

I hope you're talking about my body and not my hair.

After passing out into a coma for about five minutes, I stared at myself in the mirror.  After all these years, you follicles are deserting me now??

I mean, I treated you right.  I didn't overly process or medicate you.  Sure, maybe the sides and the edges in the back get some coloring.  But, you really got a square deal resting on my dome the past couple of decades.  Come on, is it so fucking bad there?

Lisa asked me if I noticed any extra hairs in the shower.  I hadn't.  But, with these current floaters in my eye, I think I see hair all the time.  Again, she told me to stay with the Nioxin and also recommended a few other products.

"You're not planning on having any kids, are you?"

Oh, those products do that, huh?  

Of course, since Lisa brought it up, I go into a loose hair frenzy.  If I see one in the sink or on the bathroom floor, I scream.  Every time I run a brush through my hair, I examine it afterwards as if I'm a member of LA's newest CSI task force.  Once every other day, I find a single small hair in the sink.  I die a little inside.  Thank God I don't have a dog.  I would have shot him by now.

A friend tells me that stress can do this suddenly.  After 9/11, she lost a lot of hair all at once.  I assure her that I'm not stressed.  Well, I am now.  Because my hair is falling out.  It's a vicious cycle.  

Now I think about some good friends of mine.  Two of them lost most of their hair in their 30s.  They've all gone to living wonderful lives.  One of them loves to joke about his baldness.  Whenever he fills out an application that asks about hair color, he writes "glossy."

I'm not ready for that yet.  Lisa tells me that, if we're aggressive about it, this development will slow to a crawl.  I shouldn't practice that "Shall We Dance" number from the "King and I" just yet.  

But it's on my mind.  What's not physically on my mind, that is.  I try to put it all aside and flip through the TV channels aimlessly.

Wait, what's this?  An infomercial from Hair Club.

Suddenly, I'm not so fast to change that channel.

Dinner last night:  Chinese chicken salad.