Saul and Heshe Live Blog The Emmys.....Well, Sort Of

Our old and grizzled Hollywood veterans, Saul and Heshe, are at it again.  Well, neither of them did live blogs on the Emmys.  They barely know how to do e-mail.  But, they certainly could kvetch about the awards show on Monday over pastrami sandwiches at Nate N' Al's Deli in Beverly Hills.   Let's listen in.

"Oy."

"Oy."

"You made me watch.  Now my sleep patterns are all off.  I'll probably be dozing right through Vanna White."

"It was like one big shiva.  Every five minutes, we were reminded who just died."

"My eye doctor, by the way, last week.  Heart attack.  That he didn't see coming."

"Good line.  Bob Hope, Korea, 1952."

"I mean, people die out here all the time.   We need to be hit by a two-by-four?"

"All those special tributes.   When I go, they'll flash my name and probably misspell it."

"Robin Williams honoring Johnny Winters, may God bless him.  Except, Morkila, what's with the hair?"

"Any graveside prayers for the possum that died on his head?"

"Oy, gevalt.  That is not a professional job.  Spend the bucks.  Go to Bosley."

"He had more hair Sunday night than Pam Dawber did thirty years ago."

"Nice girl.  I would twerk her."

"That's not what twerking is."

"Twerking. tweeting.  What I know is schtupping."

"Then they gave a tribute to that schmuck from Glee who they found buns up in a Montreal hotel."

"Oy."

"Oy."

"Died alone.  If you're young and you're gonna die in a hotel room, make sure there's a hooker with you at least."

"Or, at the very least, Connie Stevens.  What a set of pins on her, by the way."

"That stupid kid was a junkie.  The only ones who care are teenage girls and three Korean dope pushers on the corner of Western and Olympic."

"And, vey iz mir, Doogie Howser.  Like Joltin' Joe DiMaggio, the streak is over."

"Ooh, did he stink on ice?"

"Even the great Sandy Koufax got knocked out in the fourth inning every once in a while."  

"He had no writers.  I think his adopted kids did the script."

"Make the show funny, at least.  Hire some pros.  Like maybe Larry Gelbart."

"Dead."

"Mel Shavelson?"

"Dead."

"Neil Simon?"

"Old.  Gonna be dead."

"So, hello, meanwhile, I don't laugh once all of Sunday night.  Except when the missus comes in and shows me her Neiman Marcus bill."

"You gotta cut that off."

"Might as well.  She cut me off."

"Do you watch any of those shows they kept mentioning?"

"House of Cards, what the hell is that?"

"You watch it on Netflix."

"Netwho?"

"Your computer."

"Oy.  You're lucky I can get onto that World Wide Web mishagoss."

"I like it better the old way.  Three networks.  And if you saw the Peacock, the show was in color."

"Those were the days.  Every Sunday night, Bonanza.  Every other month, a Bob Hope show with special guest Joey Heatherton.  Her account at Nieman Marcus I would allow."

"What is Game of Thrones?"

"I dunno."

"Breaking Bad?"

"I dunno."

"What do you watch on television?"

"Bob Hope.  New DVD set of lost episodes.  That thing I know how to work."

"All you do is slip it in and you get instant entertainment."

"Just like Connie Stevens."

"Oy."

"Oy."

"Whose turn is it to pay?"

Dinner last night:  Steak and salad.