Your Weekend Movie Guide for September 2020

Somewhere there is a movie playing in a theater.   Just not here in Los Angeles.  Or New York.

So, in COVID Land, I run through another month without a Weekend Movie Guide.   Thank God for copying and pasting.   Let's travel back ten years to what was playing in the theaters then.   Replete with an opening history lesson.

Ah, the old days. Hell, I don't even remember this. Here is a shot of Radio City Music Hall with the Sixth Avenue Elevated subway station in the foreground. Huh? This was torn down long before I even entered the famed showplace of the nation.

Times may have changed, but we still want to check out a movie on a weekend. Except nowadays there is rarely anything to see. As evidenced below. You folks know my monthly drill. I'll cull through the Los Angeles Times and tell you what's out there in cinemaland. I'll also give you my knee-jerk reaction to all the crap oozing into our multiplexes. The operative word there is, of course, "crap."

Jack Goes Boating: And Jill? Where is she? Philip Seymour Hoffman as a limo driver on a blind date. Or is that a blind limo driver? Which would mean that I might want to call another car service. This is a lot of verbiage to explain that I simply have no interest in this movie. Alpha and Omega in 3D: I guess everything can be in 3D these days. It certainly would have improved how I viewed algebra and geometry.

Machete: This doesn't make my cut.

Easy A: Some dreary and mindless chick flick. For the dreary and mindless chick in your life.

Going the Distance: Okay, okay, full disclosure. I saw it. I like Drew Barrymore. Sue me. As for the flick, it was a little disconcerting. Drew looks horrible in this movie. Did she suddenly hit the age wall? Wow! The girl got old in a big city hurry.

The Town: I'm conflicted. This film about a bank heist got very good reviews. But it's directed by Ben Affleck, who is a complete mystery of a talent. What to do, what to do, what to do?

You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger: Woody Allen's annual movie and, as has been his recent history, it's shot in England. Woody, it's okay to take a year off. As a matter of fact, if you want to retire, that's okay, too. Don't you want to stay home and play with your kids, I mean, your wife?

Takers: Another bank heist yarn. Rapper Chris Brown is in it, so count on some domestic violence as well.

Catfish: Filmmakers Ariel Schulman and Henry Joost document a story involving Ariel's brother, Nev, a 24-year-old New York-based photographer, and Abby, an 8-year-old girl from rural Michigan who contacts Nev via Facebook, asking for permission to make a painting from one of his photographs. It was a matter of time before we'd see movies about Facebook. Coming soon: Farmville - the Movie

Never Let Me Go: As children, Ruth, Kathy and Tommy, spend their childhood at a seemingly idyllic English boarding school. As they grow into young adults, they find that they have to come to terms with the strength of the love they feel for each other, while preparing themselves for the haunting reality that awaits them. Even folks with sleep apnea will be able to get through this without their naps uninterrupted.

The American: George Clooney as an assassin. He'll shoot anybody that remembers he once was a regular on "The Facts of Life."

Legends of the Guardians - The Owls of Ga'hoole: If you can correctly remember this title when you get to the box office, they should let you in for free.

Wall Street - Money Never Sleeps: Oliver Stone giving us an update on a movie that sucked the first time. Michael Douglas' Oscar for the original was one of the most misguided Best Actor awards ever. And that was when he was healthy. Can you imagine what the Academy will give him now that he's sick?

You Again: The trailers play up the fact that Betty White has a supporting role, which means the rest of the movie stinks. Betty, please, I beg you. It's okay to stay home once in a while. Macrame. Knitting. Farmville on Facebook. You don't have to work all the time.

Buried: Ryan Reynolds trapped in a casket. Won't we all be?

Resident Evil - Afterlife: There were three other Resident Evil movies before this one? You're kidding, right?

Eat Pray Love: Still Won't See.

The Last Exorcism: Let's hope so.

Devil: M. Night Shyamalan's latest attempt to rescue his directing career. A group of people stuck in an elevator realize that Satan is among them. I'm thinking it's time for M. Night to pack it and get the night manager's job down at Rite Aid.

The Other Guys: The still-perplexing-to-me Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg in a buddy comedy and they are definitely no friends of mine.

Waiting for Superman:  A documentary about the country's public school systems.  Also being classified under "horror" and "science fiction."

The Virginity Hit:  I have no clue what this "comedy" is about, except the title has been adorning bus shelters all over NY and LA.  I see Will Ferrell listed as a producer.  Well, that's as good as a bad restaurant report from the Board of Health for me.

Dinner last night:  Bacon cheeseburger at Bob's Big Boy.