Thursday, June 26, 2008

Top 10 Automatic E-mail Replies

The business world, with technology now designed to make our careers easier, is now virtually hamstrung by e-mails. You see it every day. Sixteen different exchanges to answer one single question. And then everybody has to add their two cents.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

"You're welcome."

Eventually you get a courtesy from about 16 other people who were only slightly connected to the original question. There was a day here in my LA place of business when the e-mail server went down for an entire morning. No one knew how to proceed. The world, or at least ours, was stopped in its orbit.

Then, you get the automatic replies. There are those with signatures that will include the disclaimer. "Please excuse any typos as I frequently type on a Blackberry." How about using a spellcheck so we don't have to figure out what you are trying to say when you ask me to "prease hondle"?

And then there are the out-of-office replies. Some are short and sweet. Others go into more detail than the Books of Acts in the New Testament. Frankly, if you're not there, I don't care. Have yourself a good time doing whatever you love to do in your leisure time. I don't need to know more than that.

The following came to me in an e-mail but it perfectly illuminates the whole phenomenon. Enjoy. And, yes, the screen shot here is my office computer.

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm in surgery having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

7. Thank you for your message. You are now in queue. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two week for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as "Lucille" instead of "Steve."


Dinner last night: Salad bar from Gelson's.

Tomorrow: From NYC one more effin time.

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