Holy Wednesday, Batman!!

Only jokers in this deck, my friends.

---So, I'm guessing that Cesar Romero has finally been replaced as the quintessential Joker. Now all he'll be remembered for is being a bi-sexual mambo dancer with a healthy bar tab at Ciro's.

---That's quite a career role for Heath Ledger. And, at least, we know that his agent can't screw up the negotiations for the sequel.

---If you were really perplexed over the weekend trying to decide whether to see "The Dark Night" or "Mamma Mia," there is a two bedroom condo in West Hollywood with your name on it.

---But, if you were one of those goofballs on line for the midnight show of the Caped Crusader last Thursday night, there is a one bedroom cell in Bellevue with your name on it.

---I will dodge this flick for a few weeks until all the morons who are texting to friends throughout the movie have seen it.

---Usually now, in any crowded movie theater, you can read a book in the light shining from all the phones and pagers people are accessing.

---And, yes, that was me checking on the Dodger score via my Black Berry in the middle of a Hollywood Bowl concert the other night.

---Julie Andrews delivered one half of a spectacular evening at the Bowl. In the first act, she and a couple of other singers delivered a wonderful medley of Rodgers and Hammerstein tunes.

---The second act, however, consisted of Julie reading some children's short story she and her daughter cooked up while having their nails done. That jingling sound was 10,000 Bowl attendees all fumbling for their car keys at the same time.

---This story was some dreck about some nerdy troubador who goes on a journey and spends quality time with a bird, a fish, and some Black dude masquerading as a fawn.

---ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

---A spoonful of arsenic wouldn't make this go down.

---I don't know about you, but I'm really comfortable knowing that Barack Obama has enrolled in Foreign Policy 101.

---Who even knew that there was a Ritz-Carlton in Afghanistan?

---I guess Obama has finally figured out that foreign affairs is a lot more involved than what he used to see on Gomer Pyle reruns.

---Michelle stayed home, however, so she wouldn't miss that big housedress sale at Target.

---Correction: she stayed home so her personal assistant wouldn't miss that big housedress sale at Target.

---Michelle Obama shops at Target about as much as I do.

---Rhetorical question: if McCain becomes President, who is going to replace him on the chocolate chip assembly line down at the Keebler Cookie factory?

---His campaign finances aren't the only things coming up short.

---Ladies and gentlemen, these are the two idiots running for the Presidency of our nation.

---If you're one of those who absolutely adored John Edwards and are delighted that he's on the short list to be Obama's VP, please know that he has been appearing at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. Look at service entrances and hidden stairways because that's the best place to find him as he ducks in and out from overnight trysts with his mistress, who also happens to be the mother of his love child.

---Yeah, and before you counter that this news has to be bogus because it comes from the National Enquirer, let me relay to you what a famous TV producer once told me about the Enquirer.

---They are right 95% of the time. The only way he really knew what was going on with his cast was by reading the tabloids on line at Ralph's.

---You really can't blame Edwards, can you? It's got to be hard standing beside your wife while she undergoes chemo.

---No wonder this asshole is always fussing with his hair.

---Now, let's hope the same reporters are tracking Obama and McCain to see who they're fooling with.

---You just know that Barack is stepping out on that horsefaced nag of a wife.

---As for Shorty McCain, he already did his diddling years ago. If he's going to opt for anything even younger, he'll be dating little Abigail Breslin.

---From the dial-flipping department: last week I ran into the Miss Universe Pageant and I was astounded that they are still doing this mess.

---Jerry Springer was the host and I hung in there for a while, hoping that Miss Brazil and Miss Kenya would start hitting each other over the head with folding chairs.

---I was waiting to see if there was Miss Al Qaeda. Although you probably wouldn't be able to see much through her ski mask.

---There's lot of internet and on-line buzz over Oprah's lummox, Stedman, catching her with another man.

---Huh???? Who are they kidding? The last time Oprah sat on some guy's lap, it was Santa.

---It's time to fess up, lady, and admit that you have an extra-long extension cord in your bedroom.

---You know that Stedman went to see "Mamma Mia" last weekend.

---Everybody please turn down your air conditioners. Al Gore is trying to work.

---With LA traffic at a standstill, gas prices through the roof, gang violence rampant, and homes being foreclosed, the LA City Council instantly made our lives better. They passed a city ordinance banning plastic bags.

---Now why didn't I think of that?

---Those plastic bags are useless anyway. They are impossible to carry if they contain anything heavier than a package of English Muffins.

---So, the South Central gangstas will have to find some other way to carry home their rounds of ammunition.

---The news that the Ebertless and Roeper film review show will continue with two new younger hosts is quite unsettling. Especially since one of the new guys is the 25 year-old son of the vastly overrated film critic idiot Jeffrey Lyons.

---If he learned anything from his dad, we're all screwed.

---They might as well use younger reviewers since all the new movies these days are targeted to the 17 year-old anyway.

---Thinking about Jeffrey Lyons, I just remembered another great use for a plastic bag. And a rubber band around the neck.

---Way to Reduce Security Lines at an Airport: If you hold up the line with some stupidity, the airline makes you wear a funny hat during your entire flight. On the hat is emblazoned the words "I Am a Moron."

---And we can adapt it for supermarket checkout lines when some pinhead drags down your day because she can't find her checkbook.

---And on movie concession lines where, after staring at the board for five minutes, some jerk still can't figure out what they want.

---It's a movie candy counter. Popcorn, soda, and candy! You'll need to get that medium rare porterhouse steak elsewhere.

Dinner last night: Salami sandwich and side salad.