This is the glorious Pelham Picture House in Westchester, New York and is now perhaps one of the only single screen movie houses in the area glutted with antiseptic multiplexes. They are restoring it now to the splendor it once enjoyed when it first was built in the late 1930s. Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D: The 3D mention means either you have to wear some stupid glasses or perhaps it was filmed in somebody's third floor apartment. I hear that 85% of the movie was shot in front of a green screen. Give me the original, please, when they put little fins on some pet store lizards to make them look like ferocious dinosaurs. But the Brendan Fraser-Pat Boone trade-off is a wash: neither can act. Sex and the City: Still hovering around like hangover breath. I saw it last month and it was way too long. Essentially five mediocre episodes of the show strung together. And Sarah Jessica Parker would have had better lighting if she had been arrested and interrogated for the murder of Jon Benet Ramsey, whose killer is apparently still on the loose. Hellboy II: The Golden Army: Only after I see Hellboy I. Which will be sometime around the twentieth of never. Meet Dave: Who knew that Eddie Murphy's best career move in the past ten years would be getting busted for hitting on a hooker? Elsa and Fred: Some foreign film about two old geezers getting it on. Probably as sexy as one of those Porcelana ads on the nightly news. The bargain matinees will be packed. Harold: A new kid in town gets picked on by the school bully and learns survival skills from a janitor. Excuse me? Is that not the exact plot of "The Karate Kid?" How much more blatant can a plagarist be? By the way, I think Ralph Macchio bagged my groceries at Ralph's last week. National Lampoon's Homo Erectus: The satirical magazine is back and it hasn't been cutting edge since Gerry Ford fell down the stairs of Air Force One. This is either their take on cavemen or an architect living in West Hollywood. Tell No One: I've heard good things about this mystery and allegedly has scenes of "disturbing violence." But, frankly, is there any type of violence that is not disturbing? And who are those people making blanket judgments for all of us? Holding Trevor: Somebody looking for Mr. Right. There are no women in the cast. Do the math. Diminished Capacity: Alan Alda as somebody dealing with dementia. No, it's not a documentary. Kung Fu Panda: Hold the MSG...and my ticket. The Love Guru: Will go over twenty dollars gross sometime this weekend. An idea that was a scream when if it was developed in 1972. Wanted: Angelina Jolie as a trained assassin. The victims? Anybody in a theater showing it. Her lips are in 3-D and you don't even need those freakin' glasses. You Don't Mess with the Zohan: I'll take your advice and avoid him like the plague. Mamma Mia!: The ABBA stage production was exhilerating. Does it translate to the big screen? From the advance buzz, nope. And I'm hearing that Pierce Brosnan's singing will result in the type of emergency evacuations that have not been seen since Hurricane Katrina. Plus the theater audience will look like a rest station for the Gay Pride Parade. It hasn't opened yet, but you can't tell from the papers: ads are EVERYWHERE. The Incredible Hulk: Lots of green, but none apparently at the box office. The Happening: Director M. Night Shyamalan remains the filmmaker version of a one hit wonder. I remember when he directed that famous line "I see dead people." I, however, see a dead career. Time to pack it in and enter that CVS Pharmacy training program. Mongol: You want to scare me away completely? Make any movie from an ancient period of world history, which reminds me that I got a C in this course during the 10th grade. The Wackness: Perhaps I watched too much Sopranos. Unless it's spelled "whack," I'm not interested.
Hopefully, a film in some terrific venue is on your visual dance card for the weekend. Once again, let me help you. I will sift through the movie pages of the LA Times and give you my gut reaction to what is now there waiting for your $11.50.
Hancock: Like clockwork, they open up a Will Smith movie around the Fourth of July. And each movie gets increasingly worse because this guy absolutely cannot act. And, now that he and his equally loony wife have given over to the Gospel According to St. Cruise, you need to think long and hard about whose pocket your Sno Cap money is going into it. I saw the trailer and the special effects are probably the worst I have seen ever.
Kit Kittredge: An American Girl: "No Way, An American Boy." The only people in the audience will be 11 year-old girls and 47 year-old child molesters.
Wall-E: Despite an incredibly dull trailer, this movie apparently has loads of charm. I will see it at the El Capitan as soon as the yellow school buses stop showing up outside. People I know who have seen it love the damn thing. Plus any movie that salutes the vastly underrated movie version of "Hello Dolly" is okay in my book.
Get Smart: No effin way. I would be staining the glorious memory of Don Adams. Audiences who have seen the film love it. People who fondly remember the TV show won't even see it. When do we get a vacation from Steve Carell please? Spoiler alert: the show comes up very, very shortly on My Top 25 Favorite TV Show list.
1 comment:
Great take on Shyamalan. I'd rather see him at CVS than at the Arclight. How many more chances will Hollywood give this egomaniac hack? One good movie that was good for one viewing then the secret's out. Bruce Willis is dead!
FYI>Mamma Mia is on my Won't See list. Other former Bronxites may disagree.
The Summer of Low Expectations rolls on...
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