Your Weekend Movie Guide - July 2009

As the vintage and glorious theater marquee to the left proclaims, there are "2 Frank Sinatra Hits." Neither one of them are Mia Farrow's face. But, I digress...

These are movie theaters when movie theaters were really movie theaters. Not the prefabricated multiplexes that fill a space between JC Penney's and the Olive Garden.

If there's a movie in your weekend future, I will find it for you. Or maybe not. As is my monthly usual, I'll rifle through the LA Times and give you my punch-in-the-stomach reaction to what is littering our movie houses this weekend.

Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs: I saw the first one and figured I was done. And, from what I have heard, they were. But, now two sequels later... Hollywood executives are a lot like toddlers being toilet trained. They sit forever and never know when they're done.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Millions are flocking without me. Which edition is this? I read the first book and saw the first movie. I figured I was done. But, JK Rowling is a lot like a toddler being toilet trained. Oh, never mind...

Public Enemies: Johnny Depp as John Dillinger. Warner Brothers did these gangster movies a lot better in the 30s with James Cagney and Edward G. Robinson. And, in those days, they managed to tell a decent story in about 75 minutes.

The Hangover: You might want to read Len Speaks from Tuesday, July 14, 2009.

The Taking of Pelham 123: Somehow, despite the fact that I love the original and knew that this remake couldn't come close, I went to see this. And, drum roll please, this remake couldn't come close. Should be renamed 'The Taking of 12 Dollars from My Wallet."

Up: The best movie I've seen this year. Clever and thoughtful. Adjectives frequently used to describe me as well.

Bruno: Borat comes out of the closet. Apparently it is incredibly racist and inappropriate. I wonder what time the bargain matinee is.

I Love You, Beth Cooper: I Hate You, Hollywood Executives Who Keep Shoving These Insipid Romantic Comedies Down My Throat.

Moon: Something about an astronaut. Or simply that big ass sticking out of the car window in the next lane.

Drag Me To Hell: Previously titled "The Nancy Pelosi Story."

My Sister's Keeper: Watch as some kid slowly dies of cancer. Watch as Cameron Diaz tries to prove she can really act. Watch as I drive quickly past any theater playing this dreck.

The Proposal: I will gladly make this one to Sandra Bullock. Go away, please.

Transformers Revenge of the Fallen: And they can't get up.

The Age of Stupid: Another documentary about global warming. And I bet you thought there was an Obama joke coming.

(500) Days of Summer: (Another) romantic comedy. Girl meets boy, boy loses girl, boy buys a gerbil.

The Queen and I: Will she shave her head just like Yul Brynner? That would be worth the price of admission. Oh, wait, it's about a bunch of Muslims. Hardly worth the price of admission.

Tony Manero: Some guy in Chile becomes obsessed with Travolta's character in Saturday Night Fever. I tell you those Scientologists will do anything to suck you in.

Homecoming: A quarterback juggles two girls. Meanwhile, watch how close he gets to that center when he wants the football.

Death in Love: Two brothers deal with their Holocaust survivor mom. If they put this on a double bill with The Queen and I, I could avoid two movies at the same time.

Easy Virtue: Absolutely nobody I knew in college.

Away We Go: And I bet you thought there was a Jackie Gleason joke coming.

The Hurt Locker: What some of the Black kids in high school pushed me into.

Whatever Works: Larry David stars in a Woody Allen movie. It might be against the fire laws to put that many neurotic people in one film.

Dinner last night: Leftover turkey sausage.