A Wednesday to Dismember

And you can start by taking apart this overgrown sofa with arms and legs.

---As you may have read, I am all about having the Phillies pulverized in the World Series. Pounded so much that they will lay nicely across one of those gooey cheesesteak sandwiches.

---This mascot regularly blows up opposing team artifacts on the field. Quite the role model for children.

---The Phanatic is bloated, ugly, and stupid. A perfect match for the city.

---Let's face it, Philadelphia hasn't had an original moment since Eartha Kitt was Mike Douglas' co-host for the week.

---Okay, I'm done.

---Well, not quite.

---How laughable is it that the St. Louis Cardinals hired Mark McGwire as their new hitting coach?

---He'll be the only coach in major league baseball with a prescription pad.

---And a Gold Card at GNC.

---"Gee, Mr. McGwire, how do I straighten out my swing?"

---"This should help. Just make sure you take it on a full stomach."

---This big lummox was a fraud. And a ten year gap shouldn't make people forget that.

---And, so, tell me now why Pete Rose can't find work?

---I was all set to settle in for a Yankee seventh inning stretch. When that goofy Irish bartender would sing "God Bless America." And I had enough time to pee, wash my hands, make a sandwich, throw some laundry in the dryer, and read two chapters of "Crime and Punishment."

---Alas, I am told this clown has been there the whole year. After getting caught for some gross anti-semitic remarks.

---He could still sing.

---"Das Lied Der Deutsche."

---Heck, the Steinbrenners would like it.

---By the way, Papa George will be making his appearance at the World Series. And what's the over/under on which jacket lapel is the first to get the drool?

---Okay, I'm done.

---Well, not quite.

---Last Saturday night, I drove past the Hollywood Bowl where Grandpa Barry Manilow was giving a concert. And I got to watch some of his fans marching up the hill.

---Sixty-five-year-old women dressed like they were 25. And it reminded me of a very basic supermarket policy.

---Ten pounds of potatoes do not fit into a five pound bag.

---The spikey heels on some of these fressers reminded me of the nursery rhyme.

---Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...

---Ladies, please introduce your wardrobe to your real age.

---Burning question of the day: When does Obama send in the troops to invade Fox News?

---If POTUS is not careful, he's going to lose his chance for a Fox series.

---"So You Think You Can Govern."

---Speaking of which, it's another TV season and I still can't get into either "Mad Men" or "30 Rock."

---But I do recommend the new Patricia Heaton sitcom "The Middle." The kids steal the show, especially the little urchin who plays Brick. Wonderfully done so far.

I'm actually being nice. I guess I am done now. Quite.

Dinner last night: Cervelat sandwich and side salad.