Truth be told, this jerk should have been the Moron of the Month in April, when the incident originally happened. But it took until August for the courts to throw his ass in jail, so we might as well honor him now.
The shithead's name is Matthew Clemmens, but, to me, he is representative of a whole group of morons that can be classified under an umbrella title.
The Philadelphia Phillies fan.
Look at what he's wearing in his delightful mug shot. That's the Majestic logo on what appears to be some form of Phillie wardrobe. It's terrific that this absolutely vile baseball franchise is being represented in its rightful place. In some Pennsyvlania prison.
What Matthew Clemmens did was get into a skirmish at a Phillie game back in April. To put the exclamation point on the fracas, this neanderthal put his finger down his throat and tapped a lavaflow of vomit that landed on an 11-year-old girl. What are the odds that some of the assholes who saw this happen in person applauded him like he was one of those plate spinners on the Ed Sullivan Show?
The louts that inhabit Citizens Bank Ballpark are all the same and have been for years. Am I painting with the broadest of brush strokes? You bet your Benjamin Moore color wheel. But, frankly, I've never heard or see the kind of exemplary behavior that refutes this claim. Let's face it, the Philadelphia Phillie fan is such a despicable slob that they probably look at Flintstone cartoons and consider them futuristic. Anybody who even chuckles at the antics of the Phillie Phanatic is immediately incarcerated in my society.
I've never been to their newest asylum, but I previously made some visits to the Phillies' former home known as the Vet. This cookie-cutter stadium of the 70s resembled a toilet bowl and the connection to the fans there couldn't have been more apropos. All I can remember from my games there was bad language and plenty of it. There was bad grammar, to boot. If you're going to use profanity, at least you should get the verb tenses correctly. When they finally imploded this dump, my biggest regret is that they didn't do smack in the middle of Fan Appreciation Day.
I've heard from a good friend who took his two children to one of the World Series games there last year. Okay, during the Fall Classic, you're going to see a mix of fans from both teams. So, my friends and his kids thought they were safe rooting for the visiting New York Yankees. Not so much. The experience was gutteral and the children spent the entire car ride asking for specific definitions to very choice words.
Two years ago, I was entering Dodger Stadium for the 2008 NLCS playoffs against the same Phillies. In the parking lot, I spotted a couple of chimps wearing red and swinging from the Chavez Ravine palm trees. Piecing together the few coherent words, their team was going to do to the Dodgers what an overworked prostitute has done to her several times a night. In a rare moment of unclarity, I decided to engage one of them in a conversation. I reminded them of one of the more infamous Phillie fan legends.
"Your fans booed Santa Claus!"
Bonzo responded without skipping a beat.
"Yeah, but only once."
It was the Philadelphia Phillie fanbase that prompted a momentous decision in my life. When I publicly announced prior to last year's World Series that I, for the first time ever, was rooting for the New York Yankees.
That's how much I hate these cretins.
Dinner last night: German salami sandwich.
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