Monday Morning Video Laugh - September 30, 2013

A priceless bit from "The Golden Girls."

Dinner last night:  French dip roast beef sandwich.

The Sunday Memory Drawer - Out and About with the Celebs in Hollywood

This is a photo from my very favorite "I Love Lucy" episode where Lucy stalks William Holden in the old Brown Derby.   It's her very first Hollywood escapade.  

I got to thinking about this crazy city I live in the other day when I wrote about being stalked myself in the super market because two deli workers thought I was Meat Loaf.  It's just one more validation of celebrity power and how centralized it is out here in Tinseltown.

 One of the truly cool things about living in Los Angeles is the ability to see celebrities out and about, living their lives just like you and I do. Of course, if you go to an industry function or a studio lot, it's a slamdunk that you will see a star or two. That's cheating. The real fun is when you're in the supermarket next to them as they're running their debit card through to buy a head of lettuce and some beer.

I had a really stellar celebrity encounter day several years ago when I actually tallied three sightings on one single Saturday. While picking up my dry cleaning, I saw Sydney Pollack parking his car on Westwood Boulevard. Walking into the New Balance sneaker store, the door was held open for me by Steven Bochco. And, capping it all off, Henry Winkler was sitting in the row ahead of us at the Arclight for a showing of "Michael Clayton," co-starring...Sydney Pollack. 

So let's recap it. Who else have I seen here in my sixteen plus years here?

Jon Voight multiple times.  In a movie theater.  On a plane.  At baggage claim.

Mary Tyler Moore.  Once again at LAX baggage claim.

Dick Van Dyke in the lobby at the Egyptian Theater.

Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen on a flight from NY to LA.

Robert Guillaume at a coffee shop down the block from my old office. We spent five minutes discussing just how unnatural the ingredients are in a bottle of Diet Snapple.

Jack Riley from the Bob Newhart Show at the Arclight for a showing of "3:10 to Yuma."

Bob Newhart himself several times pushing a shopping cart at Ralph's supermarket. My writing partner saw him multiple times picking up a prescription at Walgren's.

Carol Burnett hiding behind sunglasses and a column at The Cheesecake Factory.

Barbara Bain from "Mission Impossible" buying movie tickets at the Arclight.

Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy buying movie tickets at a kiosk in the Grove theater complex.

Jane Alexander crossing a street in Westwood.

Brenda Strong, the narrator from "Desperate Housewives" picking out a birthday card at Aahs in Westwood.

Dean "Superman" Cain trying to corral his young son at Aahs in Santa Monica.

Kristian Alfonso from "Days of Our Lives" eating lunch with her children next to me at The Cheesecake Factory.

John Lithgow parking his car underneath my living room window.

Teri Hatcher three times. Yelling at her daughter in Tower Records. Sitting with absolutely no make-up on at the Marmalade Cafe. Standing in front of me on the popcorn line at the Arclight.

Nicolette Sheridan and I making eye contact while stopped at a traffic light on Wilshire.

Marcia Cross shopping at Bloomingdale's.  Notice how I pretty much ran the table on the woman from "Desperate Housewives."

Neil Patrick Harris and his boyfriend going through security in front of me at LAX.  They were going to meet the birth mother of their kids.  How do I know that?  I heard their whole conversation.

Michele Lee at the Hollywood Bowl.  Her companion wanted to give me a dollar because I mentioned "How to Succeed."

Ellen DeGeneres at the car wash. Pre-talk show and dog drama, she was driving a Toyota Corolla.

Grant Tinker at the same car wash and at a French restaurant in Brentwood.

Greg Kinnear at the car wash.

Della Reese at the car wash as she was getting her church van lathered up.

Pre-Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger fishing for coins at a parking meter near the Ivy in Beverly Hills.

Post-Governor Arnold on a date at Fig in Santa Monica, which happens to be in a hotel.   They barely ate their appetizers.  After rubbing each other's shoulders, they went upstairs.

Christina Ricci waiting at the car valet with me at Jar.

Rip Taylor at the Laemmle theater in Beverly Hills, one row behind me.

Lesley Ann Warren sitting next to my writing partner and me at the Pasadena Civic Auditorium. She moved at intermission when he wouldn't stop staring at her.

Joanne Worley on the ticket will call line at the Ahmanson.

David Spade in the men's room at the Grove Theater.

Queen Latifah coming out of the ladies' room at the Grove Theater.

Harrison Ford on the escalator at Dodger Stadium.

Ray Romano on the club level on Dodger Stadium.

Bradley Whitford multiple times at Dodger Stadium. He used to have season tickets two sections away from mine.

Tommy Lasorda at the Dodger Stadium club.  He ate some cheese and crackers from our table.

Gwyneth Paltrow at the Dodger game.  Her kids are hyper-active.

Rob Reiner all the time at Dodger games and on a flight from NY to LA.  

Larry King many times at Dodger Stadium.   Who cares?

Tom Lasorda at the urinal next to me in the fifth floor bathroom at work. "Hiya, pal!"

Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees at the Dodger Stadium club restaurant.

Brad Garrett at the Hollywood Bowl.

Sean Hayes at the Hollywood Bowl.

Penny Marshall at the Hollywood Bowl.

The late Tony Franciosa several Christmas Eves at church.  I gave him wine at holy communion.  He died three weeks later.

Harvey Korman at church on Christmas Eve. I lit his candle.  Also died later the next year.  

Lukas Haas at church on Christmas Eve.  Luckily, the jinx stopped.  He's still alive.

Keifer Sutherland coming out of a medical building in West Hollywood.

Carl Reiner and I picking up old paper towels from the floor of the men's room at the TV Academy.

The aforementioned Bob Newhart and Don Rickles with their wives in the next booth at Madeo.

Tony Bennett at the same Madeo.

Bruce Vilanch at the Pantages Theater.

Joan Rivers in the lobby of an office building.

Brian Benben trying to be unnoticed at the Aero Theater.  He was.  Nobody knew who he was.

France Nuyen watching herself in "South Pacific" at the Egyptian.

Leonard Maltin watching a pair of screwball comedies at the Egyptian.

Ron Howard with his kids buying popcorn at the Egyptian for a showing of "Guns of Navarone." He is the only one I wanted to talk to.

Ed Begley Jr. waiting for an electric powered bus on Beverly Boulevard in West Hollywood.

Giovanni Ribisi wandering around Hollywood Boulevard.

Carson Kressley from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" sitting next to me on a flight to NY. He had excessive body odor.

Molly Shannon sitting across from me on a NY bound flight.

Timothy Busfield on one of the first NY flights after 9/11. He and I chatted.

The late Harry Morgan of M*A*S*H* eating soup at Jerry's Famous Deli.  Both Harry and the restaurant are gone.

Dinner last night:  Bacon burger at GO Burger.

Musical Comedy Number of the Month - September 2013

Woo-hoo.  A five Saturday month!  And you know what that means.  A clip from a classic musical comedy.

They recently filmed a concert performance of my favorite Stephen Sondheim musical "Company."  It is brilliant with one show stopping number after another.  Including this legendary turn by Patti LuPone.

Dinner last night:  Dodger dog at the game.

If I Tweeted - September 2013

I don't.  But, if I did, here's what my tweets would have looked like this month.

#LenSpeaks  Labor Day and Jerry Lewis is nowhere to be found.

#LenSpeaks  Does anybody want to know the real story on what Jerry is no longer hosting a Muscular Dystrophy telethon?

#LenSpeaks  I'm blaming it on Charo.  Or Norm Crosby.

#LenSpeaks  The fall TV season is here and I don't know of a single new show I want to watch.

#LenSpeaks  Well, okay, maybe the Michael J. Fox Show.   But that's also the kind of interest that makes me want to stare at an auto accident.

#LenSpeaks  If Orange is the New Black, how will Crayola handle this in their crayon boxes?

#LenSpeaks  So the next President we are going to elect will have to be orange?

#LenSpeaks  They keep talking that the government may have to shut down.  Gee, doesn't that happen every weekend?  And on ten to twelve holidays a year.

#LenSpeaks  I love to listen to Obama dumb down economics as if his entire voting bloc is on the Romper Room.

#LenSpeaks  It's also oodles of fun when his teleprompter jams and he suddenly sounds like Foster Brooks.

#LenSpeaks  Wig count on the First Lady please.  I'm up to fourteen.

#LenSpeaks  When Alec Baldwin has his own show on MS-LSD, will he try to punch their cameraman, too?

#LenSpeaks  I contend that there are some idiots who would watch a talk show with Adolf Hitler if it was on MSNBC.  

#LenSpeaks  Wait.  They already do.  It's Chris Matthews.  

#LenSpeaks  The Los Angeles Dodgers have scheduled a LGBT night and I'm dying to see what they do on Kisscam.  

#LenSpeaks  What happens if they put up a transgendering person on Kisscam?  Will they try to kiss themselves?

#LenSpeaks  The NFL season has started.   Which, for me, means a lot more Turner Classic Movies on a Sunday afternoon.

#LenSpeaks  I see a Jet game on and I wonder who the fuck Geno Smith is.

#LenSpeaks  The New York Giants lost 38-0 so anybody who took them with 39 points is a big winner.

#LenSpeaks  Great quote from Vin Scully.  "Hanley Ramirez could wake up on Christmas morning and get a hit."

#LenSpeaks  The new LA mayor wants to name a street after Vin Scully.  And when are they going to name a gutter after the last mayor?

#LenSpeaks  Flipping the dials and I see the Miss America pageant.  Smack in the middle of September where I remember it.

#LenSpeaks  And it's back in Atlantic City.   Which must mean the Mafia runs the judging panel.

#LenSpeaks  Oh, but, maybe not.  Because the winner is from New York.  Or New Delhi.  I can't tell.

#LenSpeaks   Now that's a career upgrade.  From the CVS stockroom to a runaway in Atlantic City.

#LenSpeaks  If you still think Obamacare will work, I invite you to talk to a doctor or two.  

#LenSpeaks  And take a good look at your physicians because you may never see them again. 

#LenSpeaks  The Dodgers clinched the division title in Arizona and took a dip in their outfield pool.  The Diamondbacks complained.

#LenSpeaks  Arizona said the Dodgers have no class.  And, of course, their hero Luis Gonzalez?   Talk about your cancer in the clubhouse.

#LenSpeaks  And even John McCain had an opinion.   And the headline there is that he actually came up with a single thought all by himself.

#LenSpeaks  Of course, now they're saying one of the Dodgers peed in the pool.  Hey, doesn't everybody just once?  Hello, high school gym class?

#LenSpeaks  Actually, it would have been more fun if one of the Dodgers had peed on John McCain.

#LenSpeaks  Words to live by: if you're no longer one of the cool kids in somebody's school, just transfer. 

 Dinner last night:  Beef stir fry with rice.             

                

Stargazing in the Super Market....At Me!

Okay, it's incredibly ordinary to run into celebrities while on your regular Saturday errands in Los Angeles.  Basically because they are also out on their regular Saturday errands.

I shop at the big Ralph's supermarket in Westwood near UCLA and I've seen folks in there pushing their wagons.  Jon Voight.  Bob Newhart frequently.  Marcia Cross from "Desperate Housewives."  They're all picking up their peaches and Cocoa Puffs there.

About two years ago, I was on the checkout line and the girl behind the register was staring at me as I sorted through some coupons.

"I enjoy your work on television."

Huh?

I thought for a moment.  Who does she think I am?  I don't think I look like anybody famous.  Do I bust her balloon and ask?   Or, as I ultimately would respond...

Thank you.

If she thinks I'm somebody, who the hell am I to destroy her dream?

Well, last week, I am also schlepping the wagon around Ralph's and I feel like I'm being followed by two of the older workers that I recognize from the deli department.  I'd look at them.  They'd look away uncomfortably.  This went on for a few minutes and I begin to wonder if one of the items in my cart was really that silly.

Around by the cheeses, one of them finally sucked it up and approached me.

"I'm the one who's supposed to ask.  Can I have your autograph?"

HUH?

"Well, my friend really wants it.  But I love your music."

HUH???  MUSIC???

"You're Meat Loaf, right?"

My jaw dropped.  All I can remember is that scruffy, fat guy singing "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."  She started to sing a little of it.

No, wait, I'm not him.

"But you look just like him.  I saw him in concert last year."

I wanted to hide amongst the Muenster and Gouda.

When she was sure I wasn't Meat Loaf, we chatted amicably.  Apparently, I have been the topic of conversation every Saturday when I stop by for a half pound of Maple Honey Ham from Boar's Head.  But, all I can see is the dude from the 80s.

I went home and pulled down a current picture of Meat Loaf.  You be the judge?

 

I'm the one on the bottom.  Just in case you really can't tell the difference.

Dinner last night:  Bratwurst burger.

This Date in History - September 25

Happy birthday, Mark Hamill.  May the Force be with you.

275:  IN ROME, AFTER THE ASSASSINATION OF AURELIAN, THE SENATE PROCLAIMS MARCUS CLAUDIUS TACITUS EMPEROR.

After reading about these ruler changes in Rome week in and week out, I'm beginning to think they have the right idea.

1513:  SPANISH EXPLORER VASCO DE BALBOA REACHES WHAT WOULD BECOME KNOWN AS THE PACIFIC OCEAN.

Hence the beach and the boulevard.

1690:  PUBLICK OCCURRENCES, THE FIRST NEWSPAPER TO APPEAR IN THE AMERICAS, IS PUBLISHED FOR THE FIRST AND ONLY TIME.

Maybe it would have lasted longer if somebody had bothered to run the title through spell check.

1775:  ETHAN ALLEN SURRENDERS TO BRITISH FORCES AFTER ATTEMPTING TO CAPTURE MONTREAL.

And re-design their living rooms.

1789:  THE US CONGRESS PASSES TWELVE AMENDMENTS TO THE UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION.

Back in the days where the Constitution was changed according to the country's bylaws.  It's not like that anymore.

1846:  US FORCES LED BY ZACHARY TAYLOR CAPTURE THE MEXICAN CITY OF MONTERREY.

Visiting soldiers, please don't drink the water.

1849:  COMPOSER JOHANN STRAUSS DIES.

Leaving Mr. Levi to sew up those pants all by himself.

1890:  THE US CONGRESS ESTABLISHES SEQUOIA NATIONAL PARK.

Solely for those folks who like trees.

1911:  GROUND IS BROKEN FOR FENWAY PARK IN BOSTON.

And, for years, the Boston Red Sox were also broken.

1912:  COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY GRADUATE SCHOOL OF JOURNALISM IS FOUNDED IN NEW YORK CITY.

Back when we actually had journalists.

1915:  DURING WORLD WAR I, THE SECOND BATTLE OF CHAMPAGNE BEGINS.

Or as Curly would say, "champagknee."

1917:  BASEBALL STAR PHIL RIZZUTO IS BORN.

Holy cow!

1917:  BASEBALL STAR JOHNNY SAIN IS BORN.

Move over, Scooter.

1929:  JIMMY DOOLITTLE PERFORMS THE FIRST BLIND FLIGHT FROM MITCHEL FIELD PROVING THAT FULL INSTRUMENT FLYING FROM TAKEOFF TO LANDING IS POSSIBLE.

Tell that to John Kennedy Jr..

1929:  BROADCASTER BARBARA WALTERS IS BORN.

Now 84.  And she looks every day of it.

1944:  ACTOR MICHAEL DOUGLAS IS BORN.

I'm Spartacus Junior.

1951:  ACTOR MARK HAMILL IS BORN.

Now that I've mentioned Star Wars in this blog, I'll get lots of Google hits.

1957:  CENTRAL HIGH SCHOOL IN LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS IS INTEGRATED BY THE USE OF US ARMY TROOPS.

Well, that's one way.

1960:  AUTHOR EMILY POST DIES.

The coffin goes on the right, next to the spoon.

1969:  THE CHARTER ESTABLISHING THE ORGANIZATION OF ISLAMIC COOPERATION IS SIGNED.

Now that's funny!!

1974:  THE FIRST ULNAR COLLATERAL LIGAMENT REPLACEMENT SURGERY IS PERFORMED ON BASEBALL PLAYER TOMMY JOHN.  THIS BECOMES WHAT IS NOW KNOWN AS TOMMY JOHN SURGERY.

Gee, how did they think of that??

1977:  ABOUT 4,200 PEOPLE TAKE PART IN THE FIRST RUNNING OF THE CHICAGO MARATHON.

If you're on the south side of Chicago, you're not running.  You're probably being chased.

1981:  BELIZE JOINS THE UNITED NATIONS.

Because what would a Wednesday be without one of these admissions??

1984:  ACTOR WALTER PIDGEON DIES.

Flown the coop.

1987:  ACTRESS MARY ASTOR DIES.

The Maltese Falcon!!!!

1988:  BUSINESSMAN BILLY CARTER DIES.

Drunker brother to the President.  An embarrassment of an embarassment.

1991:  GERMAN SS CAPTAIN KLAUS BARBIE DIES.

Oh, my God.  Please notify Captain Ken and Lieutenant Skipper.

1992:  NASA LAUNCHES THE MARS OBSERVER IN THE FIRST MISSION TO THAT PLANET.

Technical advisor: Ray Walston.

2003:  AUTHOR GEORGE PLIMPTON DIES.

Paper Corpse.

2005:  ACTOR DON ADAMS DIES.

Would you believe....?

2012:  SINGER ANDY WILLIAMS DIES.

Please cancel Christmas.

Dinner last night:  Beef in wine and mushroom sauce, potatoes, and broccoli.

Saul and Heshe Live Blog The Emmys.....Well, Sort Of

Our old and grizzled Hollywood veterans, Saul and Heshe, are at it again.  Well, neither of them did live blogs on the Emmys.  They barely know how to do e-mail.  But, they certainly could kvetch about the awards show on Monday over pastrami sandwiches at Nate N' Al's Deli in Beverly Hills.   Let's listen in.

"Oy."

"Oy."

"You made me watch.  Now my sleep patterns are all off.  I'll probably be dozing right through Vanna White."

"It was like one big shiva.  Every five minutes, we were reminded who just died."

"My eye doctor, by the way, last week.  Heart attack.  That he didn't see coming."

"Good line.  Bob Hope, Korea, 1952."

"I mean, people die out here all the time.   We need to be hit by a two-by-four?"

"All those special tributes.   When I go, they'll flash my name and probably misspell it."

"Robin Williams honoring Johnny Winters, may God bless him.  Except, Morkila, what's with the hair?"

"Any graveside prayers for the possum that died on his head?"

"Oy, gevalt.  That is not a professional job.  Spend the bucks.  Go to Bosley."

"He had more hair Sunday night than Pam Dawber did thirty years ago."

"Nice girl.  I would twerk her."

"That's not what twerking is."

"Twerking. tweeting.  What I know is schtupping."

"Then they gave a tribute to that schmuck from Glee who they found buns up in a Montreal hotel."

"Oy."

"Oy."

"Died alone.  If you're young and you're gonna die in a hotel room, make sure there's a hooker with you at least."

"Or, at the very least, Connie Stevens.  What a set of pins on her, by the way."

"That stupid kid was a junkie.  The only ones who care are teenage girls and three Korean dope pushers on the corner of Western and Olympic."

"And, vey iz mir, Doogie Howser.  Like Joltin' Joe DiMaggio, the streak is over."

"Ooh, did he stink on ice?"

"Even the great Sandy Koufax got knocked out in the fourth inning every once in a while."  

"He had no writers.  I think his adopted kids did the script."

"Make the show funny, at least.  Hire some pros.  Like maybe Larry Gelbart."

"Dead."

"Mel Shavelson?"

"Dead."

"Neil Simon?"

"Old.  Gonna be dead."

"So, hello, meanwhile, I don't laugh once all of Sunday night.  Except when the missus comes in and shows me her Neiman Marcus bill."

"You gotta cut that off."

"Might as well.  She cut me off."

"Do you watch any of those shows they kept mentioning?"

"House of Cards, what the hell is that?"

"You watch it on Netflix."

"Netwho?"

"Your computer."

"Oy.  You're lucky I can get onto that World Wide Web mishagoss."

"I like it better the old way.  Three networks.  And if you saw the Peacock, the show was in color."

"Those were the days.  Every Sunday night, Bonanza.  Every other month, a Bob Hope show with special guest Joey Heatherton.  Her account at Nieman Marcus I would allow."

"What is Game of Thrones?"

"I dunno."

"Breaking Bad?"

"I dunno."

"What do you watch on television?"

"Bob Hope.  New DVD set of lost episodes.  That thing I know how to work."

"All you do is slip it in and you get instant entertainment."

"Just like Connie Stevens."

"Oy."

"Oy."

"Whose turn is it to pay?"

Dinner last night:  Steak and salad.

  

Monday Morning Video Laugh - September 23, 2013

A classic moment from "I Love Lucy" when the Ricardos and the Mertzes each opened their own lunch counter.

Dinner last night:  Pork chops, red cabbage, and green beans.

The Sunday Memory Drawer - When The Stars Came To Mount Vernon, New York

I've used this photo before.  It's downtown Mount Vernon, New York.  My hometown.  And, on a previous Sunday, I did a whole rundown of everything you can see in this snapshot.

So, I was watching some preview scenes from a new CBS show called "Hostages."  I think it premieres tomorrow night.  Well, one moment caught my eye and I had to rewind.  This very location above is used.  You can plainly see the building at the top right where my dentist and orthodontist was.  It's still there.  And, apparently being used to represent a Washington DC suburb which is where "Hostages" is set.  

For a series to be partially shot in Mount Vernon is a big deal.  Because, back when I was a kid, my hometown seemed to be planets away from the Hollywood we saw on the big screen or in our living rooms.  It seemed all like a fantasy and those movie and TV stars were bigger than life itself.

So when they actually showed up in town, our worlds stopped to watch.

Oh, sure, we had some celebrities in and around the neighborhood.  Art Carney lived there.  According to my grandmother, she used to see him play cards on the second floor of her friend's house.  Allegedly, actors Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee were somewhere in town.  I used to know who Denzel Washington was, but that was long before he was Denzel Washington.  And when local athlete Ken Singleton actually got called up from the minor leagues to play for the New York Mets, it was likely V-E Day in Mount Vernon all over again.

Then there was wrestler Crazy Lou Albano.  

Hell, we knew who he was because he lived among us.  I would watch him with my grandmother every Saturday night on Heavyweight Wrestling.  Acting like some jerk and wielding a chair over somebody's head.  Well, in his non-grappling hours, Albano drove a cab in Mount Vernon for Reliable Taxi.  You knew it was his car because the words "Captain Lou Albano" were stenciled on the hood.  Meanwhile, he parked it around the corner from my house whenever he was "visiting" Costello's Bar and Grill on First Street.

One day, I was sent to the grocery store for my mother and I happened to see Albano getting into his cab.   I cried out a cheery hello.

"Fuck you, brat!"

Okay, I was perhaps eight or nine at the time.  And totally undeserving of that language, which I still didn't understand in its most clinical terms.  The next time I saw him wrestling on TV, I rooted a little harder for him to get the shit kicked out of him.

Within spitting distance of our house, they were opening up a new National Bank of Westchester branch.  And, as construction was finalized, we saw big signs for the grand opening that would feature some real star power coming to visit.

Famed TV host from our favorite kiddie show on WOR Channel 9.  Claude Kirschner and his pal Clowny!  

I couldn't believe that I was going to be that close to royalty.  On the day of the bank event, I was first on line to say hi to the ringmaster of Terrytoon Circus.  

Except I was incredibly disappointed.   Kirschner was seated at a table, scribbling his name on some glossy 8 x 10s.  But where was Clowny, I asked.

"He's at home.  He was busy."

Tell that to a seven-year-old.  

I persisted, not comprehending why Clowny wouldn't be popping out of Claude's pocket.   I needed more information.

"Next."

Huh?

Terrytoon Circus was a little less enjoyable after that major downer.

Well, it wasn't exactly within the Mount Vernon city lines, but I was over the moon when I heard that Officer Joe Bolton was going to be around.

Indeed, Officer Joe Bolton is probably the first person I remember from television. 

Every afternoon on WPIX, Channel 11 in New York, he'd swing that billy club and host a half-hour of Three Stooges shorts.

I would plan my very busy five-year-old day around this event. There were no parental worries about me watching or idolizing Moe, Larry, and Curly. I've never poked anybody in the eye or banged somebody over the head with a metal pipe. I have wanted to, but never really moved to that level. Nevertheless, Officer Joe and the Stooges were the highlight of my day.

I probably thought Bolton was a real policeman until I realized that he would turn up on the station at all other hours of the day. He did station breaks, filled in on the nightly news, and probably spooned out chili con carne in the WPIX cafeteria. But, for the time while I thought he was a cop, I guess my parents thought it was okay for me to idolize a person of such authority. This notion prevailed, despite the fact that he was the bridge between some of the most insane acts of comedy violence ever filmed.

One day between bangs and clangs, Joe announced that he would be appearing that night at a Catholic school feast on Bronxwood Avenue in the, of course, Bronx. It was a Friday and my father was available for chauffeuring. I began the usual begging and received the typical paternal responses.

"It's too far."

"It's too hot."

"It will be too crowded."

Nevertheless, as per usual, Dad caved. And while it wasn't that far or that hot, it was certainly crowded. I wound up standing next to my hero, who gifted me with an autograph and a glossy photo. I was hobnobbing with the stars.

The epilogue to this story is, however, more noteworthy. Years and years and years later, I was enjoying a trip down memory lane with my good friend, the Bibster. This very Catholic school feast came up in conjunction with meeting Officer Joe. After a few oral coincidences, we discovered that we probably had stood alongside each other for the Officer Joe meet and greet, as his dad obviously relented to the notions of too much distance, too much heat, and too many people. Fifteen or so years later, we would reconnect as friends, sharing an early memory we never knew we had.

A small world indeed.

Back in Mount Vernon, my father had a single celebrity name that he could drop.  He claimed to know former Brooklyn Dodger pitcher Ralph Branca.  You know him?  The guy who served up the cookie to the Giants' Bobby Thomson in 1951.

Branca lived in Mount Vernon and my father allegedly saw him from time to time.  Why allegedly?   Because, from my own vantage point, I never saw the two of them together.

We'd be out driving around town doing some errands and suddenly my dad would honk the horn of his Buick and wave.  I'd ask who that was.

"Ralph Branca."

I knew he was once a baseball player so I'd get excited.  I'd quickly turn around to rubber neck on what I missed.

And I never saw Ralph Branca.

This scene happened so frequently that I was surprised the pitcher wasn't coming to our house for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  But, a bit of skepticism also crept in.  Was my father making this all up?  Because I never did see the guy.

When I was in high school and trying to get a summer job with the Mount Vernon Recreation Department, the commissioner of that division was Ralph's brother John.  To get into this prized and cushy summer job, you really had to know somebody.  My father stepped up to the plate.

"I'll make a call to John's brother."

Okay, I did get the job so somebody connected with somebody else.  But still I never ever saw Ralph Branca.

But there were some bigger names that I did see up close and in person.  Back when I was a kid, it was not uncommon for a new movie's stars to hit the road and promote their film by making personal appearances.  Take a gander at this photo.

Granted it's the RKO Fordham in the Bronx, but I remember this promotional tour with Troy Donahue and Connie Stevens.  Hell, I don't even recall the name of the movie.  But sometime on the same day that they visited the RKO Fordham, they were on stage at the RKO Proctor's in Mount Vernon.

I know.  I was there.

You'd see the listings in the newspaper with the times that these stars would be showing up in your town.

Yonkers:   6:30PM
Mount Vernon:  7:45PM
New Rochelle:  8:45PM

Given travel time, you can see that their appearances in front of your eyes would be brief.  You'd be watching the movie and then suddenly the screen went black.  Houselights would illuminate the stage and then out came Hollywood!  It was all so incomprehensible for this kid who wasn't even double digits in age.  They'd talk and answer questions for about ten minutes and then scurry off to the next theater.

This is how I got to see Jerry Lewis.

This is how I got to see Bette Davis.

And this is how I got to meet Lucille Ball.

She and Bob Hope were promoting some movie together.  In between stops at RKO in Yonkers and RKO in New Rochelle, they would be gracing us all at the RKO Proctors Theater in Mount Vernon.

This was way bigger than Claude Kirschner and the absent Clowny!

The event had an added bonus.  You could get in free with two box tops from Pepsodent Toothpaste.  My mom countered.

"We use Crest."

Not for the next month or so, Mother.

On this momentous day, the movie house was packed to the rafters.  The film was unspooling and suddenly stopped.  The lights went up and the stars magically appeared before us.  I suddenly, for the very first time in my life, was in touch with Hollywood.

They took questions from the audience and maybe my outstretched arm was higher than anybody else's.  Or maybe I was just an adorable little kid.  Lucy picked me.

"Lucy, how old are you?"

Eh, maybe not so adorable.  Lucy did a take and then answered me.

"Okay, next question."

Big laugh from all around.

And off they went.

Leaving me in that audience with a huge grin.  

Yep, Hollywood, so far away, had gone to visit me once again.

Dinner last night:  Pepperoni pizza at Stella Barra.