If I Tweeted - March 2014

I don't, you know.  But, if I did, here's what I would have tweeted in this merry month of March.

#LenSpeaks  Torrential downpours the first weekend of March in LA.  The streets here drain like my sinuses used to in NY.

#LenSpeaks  LA on storm alert.  Hollywood has to walk a soggy red carpet at the Oscars.

#LenSpeaks  How does Botox hold up in the rain anyway?

#LenSpeaks  Ellen DeGeneres hosting the Oscars.  Does she even own a dress?

#LenSpeaks  A big celebrity selfie at the Oscars.  Me?  I remember the days when you had to go to Fotomat.

#LenSpeaks  The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming.  Not the movie.  For real.

#LenSpeaks  Doesn't Vladimir Putin look like the high school gym teacher everybody tells you not to take?

#LenSpeaks  Putin is Eddie Haskell and Obama is the Beaver.  Hey, squirt.

#LenSpeaks  How's that community activist President working out for you now???

#LenSpeaks  On the foreign landscape, Barack Obama has about as much relevance as a Diner's Club card.

#LenSpeaks  So nobody can find this Malaysian Airlines jet?  How do you lose something that big?

#LenSpeaks  It's sort of like somebody misplaced the state of Oklahoma.

#LenSpeaks  It's a jumbo jet you lost, not my suitcase.

#LenSpeaks  Rhetorical question: if the plane was hijacked some place else, do frequent flyers on board get credit for the extra miles?

#LenSpeaks  The plane disappeared after 30 minutes in the air.  That's one way to get out of having a meal service.

#LenSpeaks  Maybe it's me but I never want to get on a plane that is being piloted by somebody named either Shah or Farid.

#LenSpeaks  The Chinese are still wailing over the dead passengers.  Come on, they were an all-you-can-see buffet for piranha weeks ago.

#LenSpeaks  Good news.  My NCAA bracket do not match the President's.

#LenSpeaks  Obama supposedly watches ESPN for three hours a day.  No wonder nothing gets done in this country.

#LenSpeaks  But, at least, he's totally up on the latest news in ping pong.  Probably good for our relations with China.

#LenSpeaks   Obama went on Ellen's show to discuss health care.  She says it's a big success.  Five million people have signed up.

#LenSpeaks   Hey, stupid, that's less than 2 percent of the country.

#LenSpeaks    Meanwhile, Moo-shell Obama and the kids are living it up over in China.  On our dime.

#LenSpeaks  And so is Moo-shell's mother who's also living in the White House free of charge.

#LenSpeaks  Why are we carrying this fat slob on our backs?  And, while in China, she's barking orders at a fed-up hotel staff.

#LenSpeaks  Oh, yeah, those Obamas.  They're just common folk like you and me.

#LenSpeaks  You do know that, once they leave office, the First Lady will get her own talk show like Oprah?

#LenSpeaks  And his book will be made into a movie by Spielberg.

#LenSpeaks  Yeah, those Obamas.  They are so connected to the little guy.

#LenSpeaks  Okay, so now they say that plane crashed into the Indian Ocean.  Sharks in that area of the world, please contact your local Jenny Craig representative.

Dinner last night:  A great hangar steak at Xiomara.