538: VITIGES, KING OF THE OSTROGOTHS, ENDS HIS SIEGE OF ROME AND RETREATS TO RAVENNA, LEAVING THE CITY IN THE HANDS OF THE VICTORIOUS BYZANTINE GENERAL BELISARIUS.
Yes, I typed that long sentence. All by myself.
1622: IGNATIUS OF LOYOLA AND FRANCIS XAVIER, FOUNDERS OF THE JESUITS, ARE CANONIZED AS SAINTS BY THE CATHOLIC SCHOOL.
Which means they're all destined to be high school names.
1811: DURING THE PENINSULAR WAR, FRENCH MARSHAL MICHEL NEY DELAYS THE PURSUING ANGLO-PORTUGUESE FORCES AT REDINHA.
He said "ney, ney."
1864: DURING THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR, THE RED RIVER CAMPAIGN BEGINS AS A US NAVY FLEET ENTERS THE RED RIVER.
Didn't that also wind up as a John Wayne movie?
1868: HENRY O'FARRELL ATTEMPTS TO ASSASSINATE PRINCE ALFRED, DUKE OF EDINBURGH.
Word of advice: if you're going to assassinate a leader, you better get it right the first time.
1881: ANDREW WATSON MAKES HIS SCOTLAND DEBUT AS THE WORLD'S FIRST BLACK INTERNATIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER.
There would be a few more.
1894: COCA COLA IS BOTTLED AND SOLD FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MISSISSIPPI.
When does the diet version come out?
1912: THE GIRL SCOUTS OF AMERICA ARE FOUNDED.
Two boxes of Samoas, please.
1918: MOSCOW BECOMES THE CAPITAL OF RUSSIA AGAIN AFTER ST. PETERSBURG HAD HELD THIS STATUS FOR 215 YEARS.
I guess the people of Tampa got pissed.
1921: SINGER GORDON MCRAE IS BORN.
Also a well-known drunk.
1923: ASTRONAUT WALLY SCHIRRA IS BORN.
Que schirra schirra.
1928: IN CALIFORNIA, THE ST. FRANCIS DAM FALLS. THE RESULTING FLOODS KILL OVER 600 PEOPLE.
So, where's the nursery rhyme song? St. Francis Dam falling down, falling down.
1933: ACTRESS BARBARA FELDON IS BORN.
If there is any poetic justice, she should live to be 99.
1933: PRESIDENT FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT ADDRESSES THE NATION FOR THE FIRST TIME. THIS IS THE FIRST FIRESIDE CHAT.
Stoke those logs, Eleanor.
1946: SINGER LIZA MINNELLI IS BORN.
Or I could have written it as "JUDY GARLAND GOES INTO LABOR."
1947: THE TRUMAN DOCTRINE IS PROCLAIMED TO HELP STEM THE SPREAD OF COMMUNISM.
Yeah, that worked well.
1947: POLITICIAN MITT ROMNEY IS BORN.
Why wasn't it "Glove Romney?"
1950: ACTOR JON PROVOST IS BORN.
Lassie!!!!
1967: SUHARTO TAKES OVER FROM SUKARNO TO BECOME ACTING PRESIDENT OF INDONESIA.
Don'tcareno.
1973: BASEBALL PLAYER FRANKIE FRISCH DIES.
The Fordham Flash!
1978: ACTOR JOHN CAZALE DIES.
Big mistake, Fredo.
1993: SEVERAL BOMBS EXPLODE IN MUMBAI, INDIA, KILLING ABOUT 300.
Ooops, there goes the call center.
1993: NORTH KOREA SAYS THAT IT PLANS TO WITHDRAW FROM THE NUCLEAR NONPROLIFERATION TREATY.
Thousands of dogs will tell you. Don't trust them.
1993: THE BLIZZARD OF 1993 PUMMELS THE EAST COAST OF THE US.
I remember it well.
1993: JANET RENO WAS SWORN IN AS THE US' FIRST FEMALE ATTORNEY GENERAL.
Where does Reno go when she wants to get divorced?
2001: TV PERSONALITY MORTON DOWNEY JR. DIES.
And cigarette sales fall through the floor.
2009: FINANCIER BERNIE MADOFF PLEADS GUILTY IN NY TO SCAMMING 18 BILLION DOLLARS.
So that's how much he "made off" with?
2011: A NUCLEAR POWER PLANT IN JAPAN MELTS AND EXPLODES.
Thanks again, Japan.
Dinner last night: Leftover chicken and rice.
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