Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Saul and Heshe Nosh on the Oscars

Time for the Oscar post-mortem with our two Hollywood veterans, Saul and Hesse.    They chewed the fat on everything but the lean pastrami yesterday at Nate N' Al's in Beverly Hills.   Let's eavesdrop and hear what they had to say.


"Like I say to my proctologist every October, is it over yet?"

"I guess it could have been worse.  We could have been there."

"I don't go to such swanky places any more.  Last time I went to the Oscars, I pulled up with the missus in a 1967 Ford Fairlane."

"I remember.  Dean Martin keyed your car."

"Dumb dago bastard."


"Ellen was good as the host.  She reminded me a bit of Johnny.   And Bob-ila."

"Yeah, but, come on, sweetie.  Would it kill you to wear a dress once in a while?"

"What can I say?  She likes the ladies.  But it's not like Rock Hudson would go out to the Oscars in a dress."

"I know he did.  Thelma Ritter had pictures."

"Did you hear they set the record for tweeting?"

"I don't know from that.  I'm still on Windows 3.0."

"Did you see the picture they took?  All the big stars in one spot.  That's called a selfie."

"I thought a selfie is what I do when the wife is out of town.   Or mad because I came to bed with too much gas."


"Vey iz mir." 

"Did you see any of the movies they were talking about?"

"12 Years a Slave?   Try working for Harry Cohn at Columbia.  You'd be happy with the whipping."

"It won the Best Picture."

"Feh.  Big deal.  So did The Greatest Show on Earth.  And that had Betty Hutton."

"She had a nice set of pins."

"You could see them because she never wore pants.  Note to Ellen."

"Did you see Gravity?"

"I'm living it with these arthritic knees.  One bad step and it's hello, sidewalk."

"I saw it in 3-D."

"Somebody's apartment?"

"No.  With those meshuggah glasses.  What a headache.  All that mishagoss flying around."

"If I want to see things being thrown at me, I'll wait till the wife comes home and she sees me doing my selfie."

"What about American Hustle?  Did you see?"

"It was like a Dance Fever rerun.  With Merv's boyfriend, Denney Terrio."

"All those bad clothes.  Paul Lynde's dressing room at the Hollywood Squares."

"Oh, boy.  Did you see Kim Novak?  What happened and did you remember to get the other guy's car insurance?"

"Does she have any friends to tell not to leave the house?  Or put a paper bag over her head?"

"This is Los Angeles.  You have to pay for paper bags now.   And you can't get plastic."

"Look in Kim's cheeks.  Plenty of plastic in there."

"And Goldie Hawn!  Gott im Himmel."

"Darling, do you have a fatal sickness?  Is there a Lancôme cream for that?"

"She really looks no different than Kurt Russell.  Goldie bubbila, does your plastic surgeon have his malpractice insurance up-to-date?"

"Who did her make-up?  The Westmores?  Lon Chaney, please go to the nearest white courtesy phone."

"Did you see Liza there?"

"Must have been an open bar." 

"She ran up and hugged that schvatza who won Best Supporting Actress."

"Crazy Liza must have thought it was her housekeeper."


"Oy vey."

"Oh, and the schmendrik McConaughey won an Oscar."

"We must be that much closer to the end of the world."

"I listened to his speech.  I thought Gomer Pyle won an Academy Award."

"Give him credit.  He, at least, wore a shirt."

"Poor Sidney Poitier.   He'll be pushing up the lilies of the field soon."

"Yeah, guess who's coming to Forest Lawn?"

"What was on John Travolta's head?"

"Carl Reiner's old wig from the Dick Van Dyke Show."

"Meanwhile, he can't pronounce a simple name.  But I bet he knows how to spell Scientology." 

"What a schmuck.   And you know he's been caught wearing a dress."

"Cindy Williams has pictures."

"Good news.  I didn't see your picture when they called out all the people who croaked last year."

"I didn't see yours, either.  Mazel tov."

"Let's celebrate.   Waitress, another bagel, please.   And don't be so stingy on the nova."

Dinner last night:  Fried chicken breast, baked potato, and vegetables.

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