355: ROMAN EMPEROR CONSTANTIUS II PROMOTES HIS COUSIN JULIAN TO THE RANK OF CAESAR.
And his sister Romaine Lettuce to the rank of salad.
1528: SHIPWRECKED SPANISH CONQUISTADOR ALVAR NUNEZ CABEZA DE VACA BECOMES THE FIRST KNOWN EUROPEAN TO SET FOOT IN TEXAS.
We'd also tell you about the first known Mexican to set foot in Texas but we lost count.
1789: POPE PIUS VI APPOINTS FATHER JOHN CARROLL AS THE FIRST CATHOLIC BISHOP IN THE US.
Meanwhile, comedian Joey Bishop was Jewish. That's what I call irony.
1844: THE FIRST CONSTITUTION OF THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC IS ADOPTED.
I think there were about two dozen revisions.
1854: COMPOSER JOHN PHILIP SOUSA IS BORN.
March!
1861: JEFFERSON DAVIS IS ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE CONFEDERATE STATES OF AMERICA.
Movin' on up to the South Side.
1869: RUTGERS COLLEGE DEFEATS PRINCETON UNIVERSITY, 6-4, IN THE FIRST OFFICIAL INTERCOLLEGIATE FOOTBALL GAME.
Sounds like a snoozefest? Only four points?? Two safeties??? Really????
1913: MOHANDAS GANDHI IS ARRESTED WHILE LEADING A MARCH OF INDIAN MINERS IN SOUTH AFRICA.
You have the right to make one call. And change your bedsheet once.
1914: ACTOR JONATHAN HARRIS IS BORN.
Dr. Smith from "Lost in Space." Meanwhile, he died on November 3, 2002. Three days short of his birthday. What a gyp!
1916: COMPOSER RAY CONNIFF IS BORN.
And now we'll have something to listen to in the elevator.
1918: THE SECOND POLISH REPUBLIC IS PROCLAIMED IN POLAND.
The fourth Polish Republic was proclaimed two years earlier. Is that the joke you were expecting from me?
1931: DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS IS BORN.
Married to Diane Sawyer. Yeah, they don't sleep in the same bed.
1934: MEMPHIS, TENNESSEE BECOMES THE FIRST MAJOR CITY TO JOIN THE TENNESSEE VALLEY AUTHORITY.
Even though they tried to get into the Ohio Valley Authority.
1935: PARKER BROTHERS ACQUIRES THE PATENT RIGHT FOR MONOPOLY.
Three hotels on Baltic Avenue, please.
1942: DURING WORLD WAR II, THE GUADALCANAL CAMPAIGN BEGINS.
Quick, somebody start keeping a diary!
1944: PLUTONIUM IS FIRST PRODUCED AT THE HANFORD ATOMIC FACILITY AND WILL BE LATER DROPPED ON NAGASAKI, JAPAN.
Weather forecast: 100% change of mushroom clouds.
1946: ACTRESS SALLY FIELD IS BORN.
Wait till you see my Gidget.
1947: MEET THE PRESS MAKES ITS TELEVISION DEBUT.
By 2019, it has tripled its viewers to three.
1955: JOURNALIST MARIA SHRIVER IS BORN.
Whatever you do, don't trust her to hire your housekeeper.
1962: THE UNITED NATIONS GENERAL ASSEMBLY PASSES A RESOLUTION CONDEMNING SOUTH AFRICA'S RACIST APARTHEID POLICIES.
I'm dying to know who voted against it.
1965: CUBA AND THE US FORMALLY AGREE TO BEGIN AN AIRLIFT FOR CUBANS WHO WANT TO GO TO THE UNITED STATES.
Well, that will make for a lot of hungry sharks swimming off the coast of Florida.
1986: A BRITISH HELICOPTER CRASHES, KILLING 45 PEOPLE. IT IS THE DEADLIEST CIVILIAN HELICOPTER CRASH ON RECORD.
My question is how did they cram all those people into one chopper.
1991: ACTRESS GENE TIERNEY DIES.
She starred in "Leave Her to Heaven" and "Heaven Can Wait." So be it.
1995: ART MODELL ANNOUNCES THAT HE SIGNED A DEAL THAT WOULD RELOCATE THE CLEVELAND BROWNS TO BALTIMORE TO BECOME THE BALTIMORE RAVENS.
This is about the time I started to lose track of which pro football franchises were where.
1995: ACTRESS ANETA CORSAUT DIES.
Miss Crump from "The Andy Griffith Show."
1998: WRESTLER SKY LOW LOW DIES.
Hint to his wrestling name: he was a midget.
2007: MANAGER GEORGE OSMOND DIES.
A Mormon heads to his own personal cloud.
2012: BARACK OBAMA IS RE-ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE US.
When people get past the marketing angle of this candidate, historians will conclude that his presidency was a very mediocre one.
Dinner last night: Leftover SPO.
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