Monday Morning Video Laugh - March 7, 2016

As we celebrate the upcoming ninth anniversary of this blog, we call back the classic video laughs from the first years of this nonsense.  Remember this?

Dinner last night:  Roast chicken and vegetables.

The Sunday Memory Drawer - Moving Experiences

Above you see a photo of my home away from home.  My apartment on the Yonkers-Hastings border in New York.   The picture is several years old, but, except for a flat screen television now in place, the place looks pretty much the same.   Several years ago, I had the kitchen and bathroom renovated for potential sale.

Yeah, I still own it.  

I do love this little oasis when I travel.  And, frankly the thought of moving out of there is repellent to me.  I remember how torturous it was to buy the apartment and move in.  But I am getting ahead of the curve here.

Moving is on my mind as I am currently performing the process yet again in Los Angeles.  This will be my fourth move as a resident of California.   Admittedly, this will be easier since I am literally relocating from the first floor to a slightly smaller but better maintained apartment on the second floor. Throw in the fact that the kitchen is bigger and the rent to the condo owner is 800 dollars less and you immediately sign that lease.   

Truth be told, I wasn't planning to move.   But, in the darkest recesses of last November, I was visited by my current condo owner while I was still on crutches recuperating from the fractured kneecap.

"It's been years since I raised your rent.  So I'm increasing you by seven hundred dollars."

Kicking the tenant while he is down.   

That news made me start to think about moving in the late spring.  But that time table got advanced when I found out an apartment upstairs was available. Plus the condo owner's mother-in-law is Shirley Jones, so this attachment to Hollywood made the prospective move so ideal.  Plus the actual process would be easy.  Simply taking two weeks to pick up a lamp, take it upstairs, and then back downstairs for another lamp.   Sort of like the "I Love Lucy" episode where the Ricardos moved in the same building.

So, as moves go, this should be pretty simple.   Not so when I bought the aforementioned digs on the Yonkers-Hastings border.  Indeed, I wasn't planning to move then either.

I had lived in a very spacious townhouse further down on North Broadway in Yonkers.   I loved the place but, as friends moved from the complex, the replacement tenants left a little to be desired.   I wound up sharing my entrance and front porch with a family of hillbillies from Alabama.  Oh, they were nice enough.  But...

I will never forget the day as long as I live.   I was coming home from work after a long day in Manhattan.  I trudged up the stairs to the front porch that my neighbors and I shared.  And then I looked down.

There were little pieces of fur stretched out all over their side of the porch.  My neighbor was presiding over the stash.   Um, what is this?

"My hubby went squirrel hunting."

And apparently skinned them.  Right there on North Broadway in Yonkers.   I quietly excused myself from the conversation, went into my house, and threw up in my kitchen sink.

But, wait, there's more.   An hour later, there was a smell emanating from the back porch.   If my neighbors were barbecuing, this wasn't ground chuck they were preparing.   I looked out the window and then wished I hadn't.

Two kitchen sink pukes in one night.

Get. Me.  The.  Fuck.  Out.  Of.  Here.

It didn't take me long to find my new co-op apartment.  In the lovely Riveredge building nestled in the nature preserve up the road.   The purchase was easy and I loved what the owners had done to the apartment.

And, after the closing and I finally made my first solo visit there, I hated what they had done to the apartment.

With their furniture in place, you couldn't see the holes in the wall and the stains on the carpet.   And a slightly pink wall.   What the hell was I thinking?  I had a panic attack worthy of what people in 2016 have when they start to realize that Donald Trump just might become President.  

I listed in my mind all the things that needed to be done in this apartment.  It was extreme buyer's remorse.  The projects alone could have their own series on today's HGTV network.   As I hyperventilated, my mother had a solution.

"The girls across the hall from me do a lot of home repair."  

The girls across the hall from Mom were Marge and Missy and they were clearly a couple.  But they also were super handy and I wasn't.  We started to agree on things like new carpet, paint colors, fixtures, etc..   They would do all the work on Saturdays.  I would simply clear out for the day and let them work.

But they were not alone.  They brought about five girlfriends every week to help out.   For a month of Saturdays in 1993, I dutifully left the apartment at 9AM while a 2016 sitcom on the Logo Network took over the place.  And, in short order, my place was livable and the anxiety ceased.   

Of course, I eventually had to have the place redone again and this time I used a contractor named Lou (and who doesn't know a contractor named Lou?).  But I will never forget how a gut and knee-jerk reaction to move turned out so amazingly well.

And I haven't been able to look at a squirrel in the same way since.

Dinner last night:  Penne and meatballs.

Classic TV Commercial of the Month - March 2016

The pre-Keurig days.

Dinner last night:  Chicken salad sandwich.

Beware The Mugs of March - Extra Funny Face Edition

 Cheeta would kill for those teeth.

 And the law won.

 I wonder if they go round and round.

 He am what he am.

 The sister of two mugs up.

 Male?  Female?  Coin flip?

 The mother of those two sisters above.

 What could she have possibly done??

 Please adjust your horizontal control.

 Alfreda E. Newman.

 Comb....

OMG!  They've arrested Barry Manilow.

Dinner last night:  Prime rib steak at the Culver Hotel.

Help! I've Been Concussed

A few years ago, I reviewed here a fascinating documentary called "The United States of Football."   It was all about the discovery that NFL players have been suffering from brain trauma after sustaining concussions during games.   Of course, a major part of the tale involved the boobs running the league who continue to ignore the issue.   Actually, this is one of the reasons why I personally have lost interest in pro football.   You have the same people who will hit a hand sanitizer five or six times a day but still will forget what repeated skull contact can do to a human being.  

But I digress...

Now the movie "Concussion" sets out to tell a similar story as the documentary did, but in dramatic terms as it focused on the Pittsburgh forensic investigator from Africa who stumbled upon the brain damage of several Steeler players.   Indeed, real life here once again trumps pretend life as the documentary is banged head and shoulder over the new film by director Peter Landesman.  

The main issue with "Concussion" is the same problem that exists with any movie that starts Will Smith.   It's Will Smith.   As an actor, Smith is better off being a fry cook at In N'Out Burger.   Every performance is punctuated by the same recurring theme..."I am acting and you need to give me an Oscar."  Every movie portrayal he does always seems to be caught mid-enema.   There is no nuance or shading to any of his roles.  The same can be said for "Concussion" where he plays the Nairobi doctor with an accent that reminds me of the old 7-Up TV commercial guy who used to say "there are cola nuts."  

As a result, "Concussion" suffers because of Smith's innate inability to act with any kind of organic delivery.  If your lead is weak, the whole film sinks to the bottom and, when you've fallen, you really can't get up.  That's a sad state of affairs because "Concussion" offers a story that is worth hearing again, even if the aforementioned documentary told it better.  Let's face it, the issue about brain damage and the NFL has not gone away.  Heck, didn't they come out and say that the late Frank Gifford might have suffered the same way from repeated blows to the head?  One might argue that such trauma might have also ensued from Kathie Lee wielding a rolling pin to the noggin, but that's a small quibble. The fact is that "Concussion" might have been more compelling with a different lead actor.

Especially in light of the supporting cast, which is stellar albeit unrecognizable. Try to find Albert Brooks in a skull cap.   I dare you.   And I didn't even know what part David "St. Elsewhere" Morse was playing until I read the closing credits.  The good news is that decent acting can envelop you so that you don't know who's playing who.

And then there's Will Smith.   Trust me.  There's no mistaking when he's in a film.   And, usually, as in the case of "Concussion," it's that movie's fatal flaw. And this makes all the controversy about Oscars and diversity a complete joke. Mr. Smith is so perturbed about his non-nomination that he didn't go.   Fine, stay home, jerk.   For this lousy performance, you shouldn't even be allowed to stand on line at Pink's for a chili dog.

LEN'S RATING:  Two-and-a-half stars.

Dinner last night:  Beef vegetable soup.

This Date in History - March 2

Happy birthday to Laraine Newman.   For about two years, she lived in the house down the block from my last apartment.  How's that for trivia?

986:  LOUIS V BECOMES KING OF THE FRANKS.

His last name was Hormel.

1121:  DIRK VI BECOMES THE COUNT OF HOLLAND.

His wife went down for the count.   Ouch.

1127:  ASSASSINATION OF CHARLES THE GOOD, COUNT OF FLANDERS.

His wife went down for the good of the nation.   Second ouch.

1458:  GEORGE OF PODEBRADY IS CHOSEN AS THE KING OF BOHEMIA.

The queen came from Janbrady.

1484:  THE COLLEGE OF ARMS IS FORMALLY INCORPORATED BY KING RICHARD III OF ENGLAND.

It included two lefties in the bullpen.

1498:  VASCO DA GAMA'S FLEET VISITS THE ISLAND OF MOZAMBIQUE.

For a very special episode of the Love Boat.

1791:  LONG DISTANCE COMMUNICATION SPEEDS UP WITH THE UNVEILING OF A SEMAPHORE MACHINE IN PARIS.

Hey!  Watch your semaphores!

1797:  THE BANK OF ENGLAND ISSUES THE FIRST ONE-POUND AND TWO-POUND BANKNOTES.

Not the place where you want to lose pounds.

1807:  THE US CONGRESS PASSES THE ACT PROHIBITING IMPORTATION OF SLAVES.

Yeah, that worked well.

1836:  THE TEXAS REVOLUTION - DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE OF THE REPUBLIC OF TEXAS FROM MEXICO.

Signed by Donald Trump.

1855:  ALEXANDER II BECOMES TSAR OF RUSSIA.

I thought it was spelled Czar.  Please discuss.

1877:  JUST TWO DAYS BEFORE INAUGURATION, THE US CONGRESS DECLARES RUTHERFORD B. HAYES THE WINNER OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION EVEN THOUGH SAMUEL J. TILDEN WON THE POPULAR VOTE.

I think I might have liked President Tilden.

1901:  UNITED STATES STEEL CORPORATION IS FOUNDED., MAKING IT THE FIRST CORPORATION IN THE WORLD WITH A MARKET CAPITAL OVER $1 BILLION. 

Get me two shares.

1903:  IN NEW YORK CITY, THE MARTHA WASHINGTON HOTEL OPENS, BECOMING THE FIRST HOTEL EXCLUSIVELY FOR WOMEN.

That's discrimination.

1917:  ACTOR DESI ARNAZ IS BORN.

An overlooked genius.

1919:  ACTRESS JENNIFER JONES IS BORN.

She married David Selznick.  No dummy she.

1933:  THE FILM KING KONG OPENS AT RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL.

And on the stage: the Rockettes and their salute to gorillas.

1937:  THE STEEL WORKERS ORGANIZING COMMITTEE SIGNS A COLLECTIVE BARGAINING AGREEMENT WITH US STEEL, LEADING TO THE THE UNIONIZATION OF THE STEEL INDUSTRY.

Sell my two shares.

1946:  HO CHI MINH IS ELECTED PRESIDENT OF NORTH VIETNAM.

Woo ho!

1949:  THE FIRST AUTOMATIC STREET LIGHT IS INSTALLED IN NEW MILFORD, CONNECTICUT.  

And who was the first person to throw a rock at it?

1952:  ACTRESS LARAINE NEWMAN IS BORN.

Jane, you ignorant slut.

1962:  MUSICIAN JON BON JOVI IS BORN.

He got old in a hurry.

1962:  WILT CHAMBERLAIN SETS THE SINGLE-GAME SCORING RECORD IN THE NBA BY SCORING 100 POINTS.

No fair!  He's tall.

1981:  ACTRESS BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD IS BORN.

Ron's daughter.   The middle names of all their kids is based on the city they were conceived in.  Good thing they never made a child in Massapequa, Long Island.

1983:  COMPACT DISCS AND PLAYERS ARE RELEASED IN THE US FOR THE FIRST TIME.

Remember those???

1987:  ACTOR RANDOLPH SCOTT DIES.

Supposedly he and Cary Grant got it on.   Talk about being tall in the saddle.

1992:  ACTRESS SANDY DENNIS DIES.

Who's afraid now?

1996:  ACTOR LYLE TALBOT DIES.

He was the dad of the kid who played Gilbert on Leave It to Beaver.  I bet you did not know that.

1999:  SINGER DUSTY SPRINGFIELD DIES.

Ashes to ashes....

2004:  BASEBALL OWNER MARGE SCHOTT DIES.

Please put some soap in her mouth.

2007:  BASEBALL STAR CLEM LABINE DIES.

Does anybody still name their kid Clem??

Dinner last night:  Hamburger.

Saul and Heshe Chew Up the Oscars

It's been a while since we heard from our two Hollywood veterans, Saul and Heshe.  Well, they're back and we found them at the usual lunch time haunt, Nate N' Al's Deli in Beverly Hills.   Let's listen in on their conversation as they carve up the Oscar ceremony.   

"Oy."

"Oy."

"Oscar, schmoscar.   Enough already with all the meshugoss about color."

"The Academy Awards have been in color since 1965.   I know.  I had a Philco."

"No, no, no.   I'm talking about that meshuggeh diversity."

"Meshuggeh University?  Where is that college?"

"Hello, schmuck.  You got wax in your ears?  Dr. Mandelbaum on Wilshire.  He'll take care of that for you."

"Oh, you're talking about the s word."

"Yes.  Shvartz."

"That was the whole show.   There were more shvartz there than at Sammy's shiva."

"I went to that.  They had a nice crumb cake."

"No matter where you turned, there was shvartz.   Even the host that Chris Rock something."

"Oy.  No Johnny.  Bobila Hope, please come back."

"Both dead.  Like everybody else at Hillcrest Country Club.  Pushing up daisies alongside Jolson and Uncle Miltie."

"What are all the complaints about?   No parts for the shvartz?  They forget Jim Brown and Fred Williamson in all those Slaughter movies?"

"What about Pam Grier?  Whoo boy, I would put my pickle in her deli showcase."

"Plus there have been Oscar winners who were shvartz.   Denzel who is always shtupping white women on the set.   Sidney with that phony French last name."

"Hattie McDaniel!  When she won, they made her sit in the kitchen."

"You want jobs?  First show me you can deliver the mail."

"It took two weeks for my condolence card to get delivered three blocks away."

"Oy."

"Oy vy iz mir."

"Enough, enough, enough.  Like my shikseh sister-in-law always says, come on down off the cross.  We need the wood for the fireplace."

"Did you see any of the movies they were talking about?"

"I saw that one which won Best Picture.  Spotlight.   All those Catholic priests diddling with the altar boys."

"We don't have that problem in our temple.   No eleven-year-old would want to go near our rabbi."

"How about The Revenant?"

"The one where that Leo DiCaprio gets raped by a bear?   You never saw that on the Ed Sullivan Show."

"Then there was a picture where a guy becomes a woman."

"Fagila?"

"No, they cut him off.   Like the butcher down at the Farmers Market."

"Who goes to see movies like this?"

"The kids love them.   When they're not blowing up shit."

"It's not like when we were hot potatoes in this town?"

"Yeah, I remember the Ten Commandments.  Now that was a movie.   Parting the Red Sea.   Right down there on Melrose."

"There are no stars like that anymore."

"Debra Paget."

"Oh, yeah.   And Sheree North."

"Ah, yes.   And Betty Grable."

"Those were the days when you could go to the movies, sit in the back, and play with yourself."

"Plus there were plenty of stars who were shvartz."

"Willie Best.   Ran that elevator for Gale Storm on My Little Margie."

"Him, I would have given an Oscar to."

"See.   We are practicing diversity.   Pass the cream, will ya?"

Dinner last night:  Leftover chili.