Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Saul and Heshe Chew Up the Oscars

It's been a while since we heard from our two Hollywood veterans, Saul and Heshe.  Well, they're back and we found them at the usual lunch time haunt, Nate N' Al's Deli in Beverly Hills.   Let's listen in on their conversation as they carve up the Oscar ceremony.   



"Oscar, schmoscar.   Enough already with all the meshugoss about color."

"The Academy Awards have been in color since 1965.   I know.  I had a Philco."

"No, no, no.   I'm talking about that meshuggeh diversity."

"Meshuggeh University?  Where is that college?"

"Hello, schmuck.  You got wax in your ears?  Dr. Mandelbaum on Wilshire.  He'll take care of that for you."

"Oh, you're talking about the s word."

"Yes.  Shvartz."

"That was the whole show.   There were more shvartz there than at Sammy's shiva."

"I went to that.  They had a nice crumb cake."

"No matter where you turned, there was shvartz.   Even the host that Chris Rock something."

"Oy.  No Johnny.  Bobila Hope, please come back."

"Both dead.  Like everybody else at Hillcrest Country Club.  Pushing up daisies alongside Jolson and Uncle Miltie."

"What are all the complaints about?   No parts for the shvartz?  They forget Jim Brown and Fred Williamson in all those Slaughter movies?"

"What about Pam Grier?  Whoo boy, I would put my pickle in her deli showcase."

"Plus there have been Oscar winners who were shvartz.   Denzel who is always shtupping white women on the set.   Sidney with that phony French last name."

"Hattie McDaniel!  When she won, they made her sit in the kitchen."

"You want jobs?  First show me you can deliver the mail."

"It took two weeks for my condolence card to get delivered three blocks away."


"Oy vy iz mir."

"Enough, enough, enough.  Like my shikseh sister-in-law always says, come on down off the cross.  We need the wood for the fireplace."

"Did you see any of the movies they were talking about?"

"I saw that one which won Best Picture.  Spotlight.   All those Catholic priests diddling with the altar boys."

"We don't have that problem in our temple.   No eleven-year-old would want to go near our rabbi."

"How about The Revenant?"

"The one where that Leo DiCaprio gets raped by a bear?   You never saw that on the Ed Sullivan Show."

"Then there was a picture where a guy becomes a woman."


"No, they cut him off.   Like the butcher down at the Farmers Market."

"Who goes to see movies like this?"

"The kids love them.   When they're not blowing up shit."

"It's not like when we were hot potatoes in this town?"

"Yeah, I remember the Ten Commandments.  Now that was a movie.   Parting the Red Sea.   Right down there on Melrose."

"There are no stars like that anymore."

"Debra Paget."

"Oh, yeah.   And Sheree North."

"Ah, yes.   And Betty Grable."

"Those were the days when you could go to the movies, sit in the back, and play with yourself."

"Plus there were plenty of stars who were shvartz."

"Willie Best.   Ran that elevator for Gale Storm on My Little Margie."

"Him, I would have given an Oscar to."

"See.   We are practicing diversity.   Pass the cream, will ya?"

Dinner last night:  Leftover chili.


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