Moron of the Month - March 2010

Introducing a new monthly feature. On these cyberpages, I will spotlight that public individual who has done or said something so ridiculously stupid we can't even begin to ignore it. Frankly, these days, I'm afraid it will be pretty hard to pin down just one winner every thirty days. There's liable to be a line of nominees that stretch down and around the block.

But, for this inaugural honor, the first selection for Moron of the Month was quite easy. Ta da.......

....Tom Hanks. For whom life is a box of chocolates and whose head is a noggin full of marbles.

Personally, I've always thought Hanks was a bit overrated as an actor. In the 90s, he latched onto two consecutive roles that even an empty-headed actor like Vince Vaughn couldn't fuck up. Bingo, one Oscar, then two. All of Hollywood lays down at his swollen feet and the guy is installed on Mount Olympus for eternity. And somehow deemed an intellectual.

If Hanks is an intellectual, I'm Albert Einstein in front of a blackboard with my latest nuclear theory. P.S., I'm not. Unfortunately, Hanks has taken a little knowledge and spread it around so much you would think he's got a lot to spare. P.S., he doesn't.

Fortunately and/or unfortunately, Steven Spielberg cast this lummox in the D-Day inspired drama, "Saving Private Ryan." A very good film, but frequently considered the best World War II movie ever produced. P.S., it's not. But, one nasty side effect of Hanks being in that film is that it somehow promoted him to be the world's greatest and single authority on that war. He's now run over everybody with that alleged accolade like he's Rommel driving a Panzer tank. Hanks becomes all things WWII. He produces the mini-series "Band of Brothers." He shows up on the shores of Normandy on a regular basis as if the original invasion was his idea. Meanwhile, he's about as much of an expert on the war as Bob Costas is an authority on baseball or Billy Crystal is an authority on the New York Yankees. P.S., none of them are.

Hanks' affectation for World War II is mildly laughable, especially since I myself devour any and all written or filmed material on the war to end all wars. I'd welcome the opportunity to go one-on-one with Forrest Schlump in a trivia quiz. But, not content to simply be Mr. Smarty Pants, the bloated Hanks takes it one level too far.

His new HBO WWII mini-series, "The Pacific," starts this weekend and, as executive producer, he's making the usual rounds to promote it. And making a complete ass out of himself.

It seems that Tom's big talking points are all about how our battle with the Japanese during those fateful years was based on racism. "They were different from us and we hated them for that."

Huh?

Not content to let stupid enough alone, Hanks prattles on and equates our contempt for the Japanese to our country's actions in the Middle East. "Isn't that an interesting coincidence?"

HUH??????

What an idiot!!!! I sit agape at his moronic comments and wonder if he had the holes in his head professionally installed.

In his neverending desires to advance the liberal viewpoints of today, Hanks essentially revises history. And, in the process, he reveals that he knows absolutely nothing about the war that he frankly has used as a convenient career enhancement. And, one more time, some dope in Hollywood climbs up on a soap box to take potshots at the last eight years of a Presidential administration. Mark my words and read my lips, I was no great fan of George W. Bush. And you can blame a lot on him. You cannot pin the entire history of the world on the guy. At some point, some asshole is going to claim that Bush was the centurian who speared Jesus Christ in the side on Good Friday. Come on, folks. Enough!

Did America hate the Japanese during those years? Bonsai, you betcha. Were there racist elements to this? Bonsai, you betcha. I am guessing you can still drive up and down the California coast and find some traces of barbed wire fences used for the internment camps. But, they did attack us at Pearl Harbor while two of their own emissaries sat talking peace with President Roosevelt in the Oval Office. They killed thousands of our innocent soldiers. Meanwhile, what about our disdain for the Germans and the Italians? That was alive and unfortunately well. Was that racism as well? Did we want to kill everybody that was blond-haired and blue-eyed or dark-haired and olive-skinned because they, too, were a little different?

The world was at war, Mr. Hanks. If you went to the library and looked at some microfilms, you'd notice that it was in all the big newspapers. Sometimes even in big print headlines. A major international conflict you have never ever experienced in your own lifetime where your biggest battle was probably over a parking space at Whole Foods in Santa Monica. There was a lot going on in this country that you, Mr. Hanks, couldn't even begin to imagine. And don't forget what was happening in Eastern Europe to tens of thousands and millions of Jews. A development that was well known to but overlooked by President Roosevelt until it was too late. So, face the facts, Fathead, the hatred was deep and widespread. America did not own the patent rights to it.

Hanks is frequently and mistakenly compared to the great Jimmy Stewart and his daughters should sue everytime this is mentioned in the press. Because, back when, Hollywood backed this country in war hook, line, and sinker. Without even blinking an eye. Or mentioning it constantly in press releases. How many air missions did somebody like Stewart fly in the name of his country? And how often did he talk about it afterwards? The answer to the first question is "many." The answer to the second question is "hardly ever." Hollywood, like the rest of the country, was unified and steadfast in one cause. Even Bugs Bunny took on the Japs in the cartoons. We were all together in this ordeal. Perhaps for the last time in our history.

Hanks, and other industry blowhards like Barbra Streisand and Denzel Washington, fancy themselves as experts on the world condition simply because they read the table of contents in the Los Angeles Times every morning. Indeed, nobody should listen to them because, in reality, their comments have little substance. Their modus operandi in life should be singular and simple. Shut your fucking big mouth and make your movies or sing your songs. Period. Exclamation point.

Truth be told, I had been interested in watching "The Pacific." But, now after Hanks' asinine statements, my time could be better spent. Perhaps using an aircan to clean out the soot from my computer keyboard. Or re-arranging the clothes hangers in my closet. More likely, I might open up one of my books on World War II and revisit the conflict one more time. Maybe the renowned "At Dawn We Slept," the widely respected account of the war in the Pacific. And when I'm done with it for the third time, maybe I'll messenger it over to Tom Hanks' mansion in Brentwood. Where he can read it for the very first time. And maybe even learn something.

This is why Tom Hanks is my very first Moron of the Month.

Dinner last night: Chicken tenders and risotto.