My Oscar Pix for 2009

No, this isn't an old blog post. These really are the Oscars for 2009. The awards this Sunday night are from the movies from last year. I actually get angry when I hear them talking about the ceremony as "Oscar 2010." Get it right. End of tantrum. Meanwhile, I'll confuse you even further by posting a photo from the Oscars circa 1960.

Here we go, folks. You know that I'm in an annual pool with my NY friends, Lorraine and Dennis. We start the process by predicting the nominees in all the major categories. Heading into the awards, I have already amassed 32 points. Lorraine has 30. Dennis has 29.5. Yes, a half point. No, that's not a vote for Mickey Rooney. Dennis correctly picked Stanley Tucci's nomination, but for the wrong film.

Now, we prognosticate on the winners. Here are my picks. The only thing that I am really sure about is that, by Monday morning, I will probably hate Alec Baldwin even more than I do right now.

We don't mess around here at Len Speaks. I'm heading right to the Big Kahuna of Awards.

Best Picture: Big friggin' deal. They nominated ten movies this year. There are really only two in the running. Avatar and The Hurt Locker. I am sincerely hoping that people finally get over the video game magic exhibited by James Cameron's over-imagination. There was absolutely no story there. None, zilch, nada. I am betting now that Hollywood once again will continue its cycle of awarding a movie about war and its aftermath. Indeed, another battle-related Best Picture is long overdue. Think about it. 1929: All Quiet on the Western Front. 1942: Mrs. Miniver. 1946: The Best Years of our Lives. 1953: From Here to Eternity. 1957: Bridge on the River Kwai. 1970: Patton. 1978: The Deer Hunter. 1986: Platoon. You see what I mean? It's time. The winner will be THE HURT LOCKER.

Best Actor: As much as I would like to see George Clooney get it for his wonderfully shaded performance in Up in the Air, there is no way that Hollywood misses this opportunity to give a career Oscar to JEFF BRIDGES.

Best Actress: Despite what you hear, I understand this is probably the only acting award that is not a lock. The buzz is that there is a late surge for Meryl Streep's turn as Julia Child in Julie & Julia. That would be my own personal pick. But, still, there seems to be this inexplicable desire to honor Sandra Bullock who, for the first time in her career, starred in a movie that did not co-star either Ryan Reynolds, Matthew McConaughey, or some other vapid himbo wandering around the studio commissary. It's almost as if they feel sorry for her. Alas, alack, the winner will be SANDRA BULLOCK.

Best Supporting Actor: Villainous roles tend to win Oscars for supporting actors. Villainous Nazi roles are a slamdunk. So,, it's the most "no contest" of all "no contest" categories. Frankly, I thought CHRISTOPH WALTZ was way over the top in the grossly overrated "Inglourious Basterds." I felt like I was watching Charles Nelson Reilly in "The Diary of Anne Frank." But, he is a lock and I'm only hoping that, during his acceptance speech, he will explain to us all what happened to the other two letters in his first name.

Best Supporting Actress: Repeating the previous announcement. Villainous roles tend to win Oscars for supporting actors. Next to villainous Nazis, angry Black women are a slamdunk. It's really hard to believe that Sunday's winner, MO'NIQUE, used to be on a crappy UPN sitcom. She gets the award for throwing a TV set at Precious. That also might earn her a prime slot on the next wrestling card from the WWF. Perhaps, during her acceptance speech, she will explain to us what's behind that apostrophe in her first name. Expect her to thank everybody from Barack Obama to Harriet Tubman. Meanwhile, when Hattie McDaniel won the same award in 1940, she very eloquently and simply said thank you and exited through the Cocoanut Grove kitchen.

Best Director: This never ever deviates from the winner of the Director's Guild Award. KATHRYN BIGELOW won that for The Hurt Locker. If you're still stuck on who gets this Oscar, please call the dot connecting department ASAP.

Best Original Screenplay: Okay, now the categories get a little tougher to call. Quentin Tarantino is perceived as an expert wordsmith so his horribly protracted scenes of dialogue in Inglourious Basterds could fool the Academy for their alleged cleverness. But the shithead didn't win the Writer's Guild trophy, so I'm guessing there is a groundswell for MARK BOAL and his script for THE HURT LOCKER.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Finally, my favorite film of 2009 gets a bone. Or so I hope. JASON REITMAN and SHELDON TURNER for UP IN THE AIR.

Best Animated Feature: Of the nominees, I saw the creepy 3-D laden Coraline and the post-movie headache is still pestering me. The only other nominee I saw was Up and it was my second favorite film of 2009. The first 15 minutes provided one of the best sequences ever captured on any film. My thumb and pick is way UP.

Best Art Direction: Here's where some of the guessing starts. This year, the category should be retitled Best Use of a Green Screen. Since this is one of the areas that reviewers gushed over when it opened, my guess is that AVATAR goes home with this piece of gold.

Best Cinematography: Usually this Oscar goes hand-in-hand with the Director's Oscar. So, if you have been paying attention.......THE HURT LOCKER.

Best Costume Design: Len's Oscar rule-of-thumb for this award? Always go with the movie that features some facet of British royalty. I saw none of the nominees, but I am thinking that THE YOUNG VICTORIA qualifies.

Best Documentary Feature: I saw only one of the nominees. Food, Inc., which was all about how horrible food processing is in this country. Not a good idea when you've ordered a hot dog to eat during the film. But, I digress. This year, there doesn't seem to be any documentary devoted to the Holocaust, which is always a lock. But, global non-warming is in. THE COVE is about the killing of dolphins. That's close enough for me. Of course, several years from now, we will find out that this documentary is a fraud just like Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. The dolphins are not being killed. They are really committing suicide.

Best Documentary Short: My fellow Oscar poolers, Lorraine and Dennis, make a point of going to see the short films in the hopes that the intel will give them a leg up. I say it makes no difference. Once again, look for the one with the Jews and the Holocaust. Hmm, this year? None. There is one devoted to the closing of a GM plant. Now, that's timely and may get some votes. But, most of the Academy members drive luxury foreign cars, so I doubt they care. Okay, MUSIC BY PRUDENCE is about a disabled singer in Zimbabwe. Handicapped and Black??? Wow, talk about stacking the deck. There's your winner. I think.

Best Film Editing: Of all the nominees, the editing played the biggest part in creating all the tension that was the hallmark of THE HURT LOCKER.

Best Foreign Language Film: Well, I saw the White Ribbon and wrote about it here several weeks ago. There is also buzz for France's The Prophet and Israel's Ajami. Only because it was the one I actually attended, I will pick THE WHITE RIBBON. And I am hoping that, in the acceptance speech, the producer explains to me the ending of the movie.

Best Make-up: Hopefully, they will give it to STAR TREK and my Oscar pool selections live long and prosper.

Best Original Score: Avatar is nominated? There was music in that? That's how unimpressed I was with the whole film. I do remember some of the stuff from UP. Disney animation always seems to do in this category.

Best Original Song: I know Randy Newman did those two nominated tunes from The Princess and the Frog, but that wasn't enough reason for me to go see that ghetto-ized Disney cartoon. The only song I remember is the one nominated from CRAZY HEART. "THE WEARY KIND." I couldn't hum it now if I tried, but what the hell, I'll pick it here. Frankly, ever since "Moon River," this category has gone completely downhill.

Best Animated Short: Again, I think Lorraine and Dennis go see this shit. They are the only two in the country who do. I always pick this one by the most interesting title. The winner will be A MATTER OF LOAF AND DEATH, whatever the hell that is.

Best Live-Action Short: No clue, no clue, no clue. I say the winner will be THE NEW TENANTS. Why? No clue, no clue, no clue.

Best Sound Editing: AVATAR. Just so we can keep James Cameron's big bazoo shut.

Best Sound Mixing: AVATAR. Just so we can keep James Cameron's big bazoo shut even longer.

Best Visual Effects: Yeah, okay, AVATAR. Cameron, I've given you four Oscars. Are you friggin' satisfied?

Good luck to all of you in the pools you swim in. There will be an Oscar follow-up on Tuesday as we check in with our old friends, Saul and Hesse, at Nate N Al's in Beverly Hills.

Dinner last night: Roast beef sandwich from Clementine's.