Saul and Heshe Talk the Oscars

Our old friends, Saul and Heshe, are two gristled Hollywood veterans. Yesterday, they had their post-Oscar lunch at Nate N' Al's in Beverly Hills and talked about what they had seen the night before. Chewing the fat as long as it's not on the pastrami.

"Oooh, boy, is the show over yet?"

"Oy, hello, hotel operator. Wake-up call and the morning temperature, please. Can Hollywood give this shit out in less than four hours?"

"By the time it was over, the red carpet had faded to pink."

"What was with that opening number? Does Doogie Howser now show up at every single awards ceremony?"

"People love him. I think he made an appearance at my last prostate exam. By the way, PSA under 4, thank you very much."

"Steve Martin was funny. Alec Baldwin? Needs to start eating more radishes and leafy greens. Smaller portions when you want a nosh."

"Yeah, more salad bar and less kvetching at the daughter. But I still miss Johnny Carson. Where was Bob Hope?"

"They're dead. Don't you read Variety?"

"I know, I know. I read Army Archerd."

"Yeah, well, he's dead, too. You need to start reading more on that world wide web."

"They were making out like Martin and Baldwin are this big comedy team. Hello? What did they make? One movie together?"

"It's not like they're Bud and Lou running around in Hold That Ghost with Joanie Davis."

"Did you see that girl from the Precious movie?"

"Vey iz mir. She's got a face only a social worker could love."

"I'm glad she didn't win. Would have taken another hour to get her out of the chair."

"No fooling. One Adam-12, Jaws of Life, please report to the front row at the Kodak."

"Did you see that crappy set? What was with all the lamp shades? They were on sale?"

"They shouldn't hang that stuff up in a room full of Jews, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge."

"And tell me what's so funny about that alter kocker Ben Stiller with the meshuggah blue make-up. He takes a bit and runs it into the ground."

"You would think he would know better about time. Didn't he even watch his parents on Ed Sullivan?"

"He's no Stiller and Meara? Hell, he's not even Wayne and Schuster."

"Jeff Bridges yakking and yakking and yakking. His father knew how to keep his mouth shut."

"Well, he was underwater all the time."

"They could have had Roger Ebert accept all the awards. Except he can't type that fast."

"All those dancers. Did you see? They were the same bums that hang outside on Hollywood Boulevard. And it's not like they got the good ones. What? Spiderman is so busy?"

"Yeah, but the dancing was still better than all those years with that big mouthed schvatzah Debbie Allen. Thank God she was home. Probably throwing chicken bones at the television screen."

"Jeez, did you get a load of Barbra Streisand? She looks like an old Jew woman."

"Hello, she is an old Jew woman. Two cards short of a canasta meld."

"And, Barbra bubbalah, a new dress once in a while? Update the wardrobe."

"Meanwhile, it's the same hair style she's wore since Garry Moore was smoking on television. Gorgeous, it's not like you're still running around Central Park singing Second Hand Rose. Fantastic Sams, please."

"Oy gevalt."

"Do you ever go see those things they nominate for shorts?"

"When they start to give out the awards for the shorts, that's when I go to the bathroom so I don't have an accident in my shorts."

"Damn small bladder. My urologist, feh."

"That Sandra Bullock is a nice girl. Reminds me of Gale Storm from My Little Margie. If I were thirty years younger and didn't have all this acid reflux..."

"You still wouldn't be able to nail her. Lauren Bacall is more your speed."

"Back in the day, she was everybody's speed. Bitch."

"Oooh, boy, oh, boy. What a bitch."

"And where was Farrah Fawcett when they showed the "here's who's dead now" thing? What? You all got short memories?"

"She didn't give you enough free samples of that Wella Balsam shampoo? But they had time to show that skinny little schvatzah Michael Jackson?"

"Also dead, according to the Hollywood Reporter."

"What the hell movie was he in? I didn't see him in Mad, Mad, Mad Mad, Mad, Mad World with Sid Caesar and Uncle Miltie. Oy vey."

"Well, at least, they didn't show our names. Still kicking. We're good to go for another year."

"Yeah, I'm alive. Knock wood. I don't hear my name on the Oscars? I go upstairs, take one of those pop-up pills, and k-boing! Then I try to get a little something off the missus."

Dinner last night: Hamburger and macaroni & cheese.