Your Top 10 Finalists on American Idol - Season 9

While the folks at Fox would clearly offer up a rebuttal, American Idol needs to start advertising that it's in their "final seasons." While the patient in Season 9 seems to still be showing a little life, small tumors are popping up all around. Indeed, it might be time to stop the chemo.

Yes, I'm still watching, but I'm a little less engaged this season. There is an element of sameness to it all. The same audition songs. The same strumming of a guitar. The same devices used for elimination in the results show.

And it will get worse.

Simon Cowell's imminent departure from the show could be fatal. He's the only judge who seems to care and actually has something salient to say about all the song performances. Randy Jackson uses the word "dope" so much that I'm shocked the Narcotics division of the Los Angeles Police Department hasn't shown up at a taping. Ellen DeGeneres tries to make her critiques different, but comes off as totally creepy when she refers to a contestant as a ripened banana. Kara DioGuardi dares to be different with her performance reviews but always sounds like that teacher who, on Parent Night at school, uses ten syllable words to explain why your kid sucks at math.

When you add to this absurdity host Ryan Seacrest's new Bob's Big Boy haircut and his overly dramatic pleas of "standard text messaging rates apply," you'll soon realize that this show might be a goner as soon as Simon picks up his bags of dough and moves to his next home of cynicism. Who would have thought that we'd miss Paula Abdul? Well, okay, it's not that bad.

Of course, it doesn't help that this season's talent crop look like Florida oranges that had been out in freezing temperatures for too long. Every summer, millions of kids show up for Idol auditions. And this is the best they found? Right now, there are perhaps two solid contenders amongst the top ten finalists. The rest might as well line up at the Holiday Inn Express lounge for karoake night right now. Sadly, there are no Carrie Underwoods or Kelly Clarksons here. Heck, there's not even the next Taylor Hicks.

But, press on we do with Season Nine. Here's the top ten Idol finalists in the order that I think they will be eliminated. I might miss a slot here or there, but, ultimately, I think the last person standing will be the best of a sorry, sorry lot.

10. Andrew Garcia: This Mexican guy from Los Angeles had a standout moment during Hollywood Week by singing one of Paula Abdul's big hits. And, just like the former Idol judge, it's been all downhill ever since. His prospects have been careening out of control as if he was originally manufactured by Toyota. Somehow and someway, he inexplicably made it into the top 10. Apparently, a lot of gardeners have speed dial on their cell phones.

9. Lee DeWyze: The judges have fawned over this guy and I don't hear it. His voice is raspy and his delivery is the equivalent of two Ambien pills. Everything he sings sounds like one of those songs that Barney would sing to lull a two-year-old to sleep. He was a paint store clerk from Chicago. I think he will be back there in time to see Benjamin Moore's new line of spring pastels.

8. Katie Stevens: She's sixteen, she's beautiful, and she's lost. It's tough to choose songs that are age appropriate. Most high school juniors are not inclined to warble "Ten Cents a Dance." She's a cute kid in a Jon Benet Ramsey sort-of way. They have made great mention in her back story to include the fact that Katie's grandmother came down with Alzheimer's during the first auditions. At this point, she might even think Katie is really Gogi Grant.

7. Didi Benami: No relation to the kitchen cleanser. She's pretty but her voice screechs like a ten car pile-up on the 405 Freeway. She's got pretty far by swaying and slinking around the stage, which probably would get higher on the rung if the show was called "American Harlot."

6. Tim Urban: Every Idol season, there is one non-singer who hangs around longer than a sinus infection. This time around, it's good looking but talentless Tim, who seems to be channeling Peter Brady with every performance. He's getting pretty far on the votes of hormone-ravaged fifteen year-old girls and even more hormone-ravaged twenty-five-year old gay boys. Tim has been helped by photos of him in a bathing suit competition last summer. He doesn't know how they got out there. Maybe it's because you attached them to a global e-mail??

5. Aaron Kelly: He's sixteen, he's beautiful, and he's short. Seacrest must love having this dwarf around. Actually, I've so far enjoyed this kid's voice and he's done an appropriate job selecting songs. He's getting the thirteen-year-old and seventy-five-year-old voting blocks. Grandma probably just loves to hug him. Part of Aaron's back story is that he's adopted. This means that, as soon as he gets the inevitable record deal, the birth parents will pop out of nowhere with their palms outstretched.

4. Casey James: Every Idol season, there is one would-be rocker who grabs the heavy metal vote. He'll go as far as his electric guitar and washboard abs will take him. Casey is remembered for doffing his shirt during his first audition and causing judge Kara to lick her cougar-like chops as if she was at a Memorial Day barbecue. Any of the Idol producers up on California state labor laws? They probably are now with a yellow highlight all the way through the section on "sexual harassment."

3. Michael Lynche: As if we needed another Ruben Studdard, who I swear I have seen scalping tickets at the bottom of the hill to Dodger Stadium. Mike is big and burly and Black. But, his songs reflect his sweet side. The major focus of his back story was that his wife gave birth while he was in the middle of his Hollywood auditions. A baby arrival that got almost as much attention as the birth of Little Ricky. As if he's the only Black guy who ever got somebody pregnant? Well, he might be the only one who ever got somebody pregnant and was actually married to her at the time.

2. Crystal Bowersox: Sounds like one of those baseball teams from the mid 1890s. This year's resident hippie. Actually, she's more like one of those beatniks you'd find hanging around with Maynard G. Krebs on the old Dobie Gillis show. She's that weird, but with one of the two true talents this season. Her downfall will be that she has the personality of a staple gun. Would it kill her to be a little perkier? I'm thinking, yes. She's the early frontrunner to win, but, at the very end, I think she will be bested by...

1. Siobhan Magnus: She's goofy as all hell, but what girl have I liked that wasn't. Her voice is amazing and she so far has shown great originality, although she should seriously consider toning down the Ethel Merman moment she uses to punctuate the end of every song. Her back story is that she's a professional glass blower. And what more could a guy ask for? I think America will eventually fall in love with her over the flatlined personality traits exhibited by Joan Baez-wannabe Crystal. Siobhan will be the next and perhaps penultimate American Idol.

Dinner last night: Ravioli with broccoli.