Your Weekend Movie Guide for March 2010

This is the Town Theater in New Rochelle, New York. At the time, there were three movie theaters on the same block. Currently, there are no more movie theaters on the same block. Note that the marquee is heralding the next James Bond film. That's fitting since this is the place where I saw most of the Sean Connery and Roger Moore films feature 007.

Unfortunately, James Bond can't save us from the dreck now out in theaters. You know our usual drill. I leaf through the LA Times and give you my gut-wrench, knee-jerk reactions to the garbage playing in dumpy multiplexes that couldn't hold a candle to theaters like the one shown above.

The Runaways: Rock music, Kristen Stewart, and Dakota Fanning. Count me as one of those mentioned in the title of the movie.

The Bounty Hunter: It appears to be another one of those dreary romantic comedies, this one with Jennifer Aniston and the woeful Gerard Butler. My question: how do you make a two hour film out of somebody looking for paper towels?

Chloe: A mysterious young girl affects the life of a college professor and his wife. Julianne Moore, Amanda Seyfried, and Liam Neeson star. This might be tough to watch as Neeson's wife, Natasha Richardson, died in the middle of filming. And that little factoid makes it hard to me to have anything snarky to say about the movie. Even I can have a soft spot.

Shutter Island: But my soft spots don't last for long. This inexplicable Martin Scorsese mess is still cluttering our theaters. After 99% of my friends told me to avoid it, I did just that. Proof positive that even geniuses can miss the bowl on any given morning.

Remember Me: Forget you.

Brooklyn's Finest: I must admit that I saw this picture. One of those gritty New York City street dramas that assumes all Blacks are criminals and all NY cops are crooked. I would disagree with that notion to a degree. I do know some honest policemen.

Hot Tub Time Machine: Even the title sounds stupid. A couple of idiots use a Jacuzzi to go back to 1986. I hope this doesn't try to dabble in a rewrite of history. I'd hate to think that Bill Buckner actually did field that Mookie Wilson ground ball.

How To Train Your Dragon: With lots and lots and lots and lots of newspaper spread out all over the countryside?

The Green Zone: Matt Damon in a thriller about the war in Iraq. I love the fact that these do-gooder actors are so devoted to our involvement in the Mideast, when they barely venture out of their gated communities in the Hollywood Hills. And, once again, if George Bush hadn't invaded the place, some of these movies don't even get made. I'm just saying.

Alice In Wonderland 3D: Can Tim Burton make Johnny Depp look even weirder? Apparently yes. Now I'm waiting for Burton to remake "King of Kings," turning the twelve disciples into flesh-eating zombies.

She's Out of My League: What's worse than a romantic comedy? A romantic comedy targeted to the 18 t0 24 year-old audience.

See What I'm Saying---The Deaf Entertainers Documentary: Read my fingers.

The Hurt Locker: Trying to wring some more box office money out of its Best Picture Oscar. A decent film, but I can give you a list of classic war movies that were much better.

Crazy Heart: Trying to wring some more box office money out of Jeff Bridges' Best Actor Oscar. A worthy performance, even if Bridges' acceptance speech is now in its third week.

The Blind Side: Trying to wring some more box office money out of Sandra Bullock's Best Actress Oscar. Hello, losers out there, you can save your dough and rent it. Or book yourself on an American Airlines flight from NY to LA.

City Island: A dysfunctional family in the Bronx. Like this is a new idea? Meanwhile, I have many fond memories of City Island. The Black Whale Ice Cream parlor. Some beach club which my relatives belonged to. Cool summer night breezes. None of that probably made the movie's final cut. Meanwhile, this is one more film that features Alan Arkin and I am wondering when he will take a few weeks off to clean his house. The guy is the white Morgan Freeman. He turns down no role.

Waking Sleeping Beauty: A documentary on how Disney re-energized its animation division in the 80s. This is definitely on my list.

The Eclipse: A widower is plagued by apparitions and seeks the help of an author of super-natural fiction. Wouldn't it just be easier to go out for Bingo a few nights a week?

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Barack Obama, the Younger Years?

Greenberg: Diary of a Jewish Wimpy Kid?

The Ghost Writer: I saw this Hitchcock-like thriller a few weeks ago and it is decent. But, something nagged me throughout. The setting was the New England shore, but I just knew it couldn't have been. Why? The film is directed by Roman Polanski, who hasn't seen the New England shore since Cheers was anchoring Thursday nights on NBC.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: I absolutely despise any kind of body ink, so the likelihood of seeing a movie about it is, well, unlikely.

Repo Men: Some sci-fi crap about organ replacement. And I don't think they're talking about the one that Nancy Bea Hefley plays at Dodger Stadium.

The Art of the Steal: A documentary on an art heist. Just in case you Rickey Henderson fans were getting ready to run out to your local multiplex.

Cop Out: The always unfunny Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan in a dreary buddy/cop comedy. Directed by Kevin Smith, who should know that, like his ass on Southwest Airlines, there is no seat for me anywhere this movie is playing.

Our Family Wedding: A comedy with America "Ugly Betty" Ferrara. Because everybody's family wedding is so goddamn funny? The ones I went to weren't. And, save for one cousin, they all wound up in divorce. Which, on second thought, is goddamn funny.

Dinner last night: Proscuitto and provolone sandwich from Food.