Where Did This Come From?

Holding true to my promise that I will review every movie that I go out to see, here's "The Love Punch."

I will pause now for those of you to say "what????"  

Trust me, I had no clue this film existed a week ago.  I was flipping through the LA Times movie pages and saw an ad for it.

Again, I was taken aback.  What the hell is this?

Okay, since it stars Pierce Brosnan, I mentioned it to movie buddy Djinn from the Bronx, who has seen Brosnan in everything he's ever done.   That includes about two dozen films that went straight to video.  Some didn't even stop at your DVR.   They went right to the dumpster.   

Well, Pierce-phile Djinn never heard of it either, so apparently her name fell off Brosnan's global e-mail address directory.  But it opened up the cans of worms.

"Let's go see it."

Desperate for a movie night that didn't feature either X-Men, giant lizards, and/or Adam Sandler, I agreed.   It was the equivalent of a cinematic grab bag gift at an office Christmas party.   I had no idea what I was getting.   I couldn't find more than one review or any other mention of this film in the newspapers.  How does a movie get released so silently?

Well, it comes in quietly when it's that bad.  And, surprise, surprise, it's the office grab bag gift that shows you the giver had no idea what to get you.  Instead of puzzling over how the movie got released, I should have been concentrating how it got made in the first place.

I mean, you would think that with star power like Brosnan and the always reliable Emma Thompson, you'd get a few nice moments.   And I suppose I did.   But the stars' efforts couldn't mask that the written-and-directed-by-some-nobody-named-Joel-Hopkins film is a mess from the very first frame.   With a good script, Pierce and Emma might have worked.   They showed some chemistry.  But, not with this one.  "The Love Punch" should have been called "The Sucker Punch" because it was us in the audience doubled up in pain.

At the beginning of this dreary hokum, Brosnan and Thompson are divorced with two kids in college.   She's had enough of his philandering.  But, when a Bernie Madoff-type takes over his London-based company and hightails it to France with everybody's 401K, the estranged couple join together to get back their retirement funds.   And they decide to do so by stealing the tycoon's girlfriend's very expensive diamond.  

Following me so far?  

While the set-up is interesting, the execution is ridiculous.   Pierce and Emma go off to Paris and then Cannes.  Hi-jinx ensue.  Or so they think.  The characters constantly remind us that they are old by talking about wrinkles and prostate glands.  Meanwhile, they are scuba diving in the ocean and then scaling a cliff to get into the tycoon's fortress.  

Stopped following me, right?

None of anything in "The Love Punch" makes sense.  Brosnan and Thompson wind up in one ridiculous situation after another and the peril is always heightened by her being allergic to flowers and him being allergic to cats.  If the dialogue was remotely clever, they could have gotten away with the dopey plot.  But, when it finally ends, you realize that the only heist that was successful in "The Love Punch" was the one engineered by the box office.

Chalk this one up as another Pierce Brosnan movie that should have gone straight to video.   But, miraculously and curiously, didn't.

LEN'S RATING:  One-half star.

Dinner last night:  Bacon wrapped Dodger Dog at the game.