Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Wednesday, Will You Enter and Sign In Please?


But if you're wearing a blindfold, you won't be able to read this.

---Why is it that whenever we get a much needed third party candidate, the person is a lunatic?

---First Ross Perot, now Ralph Nader. How many times does he have to lose before he stops trying this?

---In a division full of New York Yankees, Nader is the Kansas City Royals.

---Why doesn't he just buy into a Ford dealership and call it a life?

---Well, at least, the Ohio and Texas primaries showed that Obooboo has some vulnerabilities. Once the press started asking him questions a little harder than "what are the two ingredients of chicken noodle soup?"

---Michelle Obooboo opened up her big piehole last week and told a bunch of housewives that she has complete sympathy for the economic problems they must deal with every day.

---Because Mrs. Osama adds, she has the same challenges keeping up with her student loans, plus dance and singing lessons for her kids.

---Well, there's a choice that must resonate with a Midwestern mother and a household income of $50,000.

---Do I buy milk or ballet lessons? Milk, ballet lessons. It's a tough one.

---If you choose the latter, keep in mind that little starving girls with scrawny legs don't look so hot in tutus.

---Mrs. Obama Bin Laden, meanwhile, just left a job that paid her upwards of $300,000 a year.

---Does Oprah sell muzzles in that goofy store of hers? I'll take two, please.

---And now we hear that Michelle's dirtbag husband has some ties with a nefarious (and potentially imprisoned) Chicago businessman, who also contributed beaucoup bucks to the campaign.

---A Chicago businessman who happens to be Syrian.

---Hmmm. Didn't I read something like that in "Len Speaks" two weeks ago?

---And I remind you all that I am not prejudiced. Some of my favorite clothing is black.

---Sure sign of Spring: Girl Scouts setting up snack trays in front of supermarkets selling cookies. I got nabbed for three boxes last Saturday.

---Don't look at the nutrition facts on the package. Those numbers rival the national debt.

---And that's with very small serving sizes. I've seen communion wafers that are bigger than those cookies.

---Only somebody with the metabolism of a ten year-old should crack one of those boxes.

---How many boxes of cookies do parents wind up buying from their kids?

---Er, from the size of the two moms I saw last week in the Ralph's parking lot last week, a lot.

---The luckiest Girl Scout in America is the one who lives in Rosie O'Donnell's neighborhood.

---As American Idol whittles down to their Top 12 finalists this week, all the dirt about the current contestants is starting to come out.

---The girl who got bounced last week was apparently OCD. She wouldn't let different foods touch on her plate. One guy, trying to look like a rocker, was wearing a wig.

---Now, we have our first Idol contestant who spent three years as a gay stripper.

---I wonder if that's how Tony Bennett started. Giving naked lap dances to Harry Truman.

---If Idol needs stuff to pad those results shows, I suggest some simple math problems for Paula Abdul.

---"Paula, if one side of the stage has three contestants and the other side of the stage has four contestants, how many are there in total?"

---"Paula will give us the answer after the break."

---I happen to watch one of the nightly news broadcasts the other night. Is every commercial devoted to a drug for some medical condition?

---The list of side effects is usually longer than the drug itself.

---I get it now. You take a drug for one thing and then you keep going to the doctor for other drugs to alleviate all the problems you get from the side effects.

---A vicious cycle that results in you setting up a cot at Walgren's.

---So if you get an erection that lasts longer than 4 hours, you're supposed to call a doctor?

---Hopefully, a pretty one.

---Welcome back, baseball. Spring training has started and, given all the injuries in Met camp, it's obvious that their offseason training was supervised by Ruben Studdard.

---The Met pitching staff is one lefthander away from being the Desi Arnaz Orchestra.

---The Dodgers have to spend a couple of spring days playing exhibition games in Asia. As if there are any people left there to attend the games.

---Wait till Torre discovers you can't get a good cannoli in Beijing.

---I thought I would include below Jeff Kent's comment on the team's prospects this season.

---

---If that comment is familiar, you probably saw something of equal substance in Obama's campaign platform.

---On March 29, I will get to attend the Dodgers exhibition game vs. the Red Sox at the Coliseum. With close to 100,000 tickets slow, it will be the largest crowd ever to attend a baseball game in America.

---I will be leaving for the game tonight.

Dinner last night: Turkey reuben sandwich at the Cheesecake Factory.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Will someone please investigate where Obama's money is comng from? Is Oprah making illegal contributions by funneling dough through her staff and friends? Something stinks in Chicago and it ain't the River.