Your March Weekend Movie Guide

Will there be a movie ticket in your hand this weekend? Let me be your guide through the crap that is filling the neighborhood multiplexes. Or, perhaps you can see something on a single screen palace like the Bruin pictured above. It's one of my favorite movie theaters in LA, and it almost makes junk easier to swallow.

You know the routine. I'll sift through the LA Times entertainment section and provide my gut reaction to the movie ads. Good luck to all of us.

The Other Boleyn Girl: There was an original Boleyn girl? This was in the newspapers? That's what I get for paying too much attention to the Presidential debates. I don't know any of these girls and don't want to.

The Counterfeiters: Saw it. This year's winner of the Best Foreign Film Oscar. It's what would have happened if they gave Schindler a printing press. How many Holocaust-themed movies are one too many? Discuss.

Vantage Point: The trailer for this movie has been in theaters since 2003. I've seen it more times than the "Vitameatavegamin" episode of "I Love Lucy." And since it's only 90 minutes long, I've probably seen all the good parts already.

Semi-Pro: The movie Will Ferrell made when he had some free time last Thursday. I am so tired of this guy, and, frankly, I was done with his limited acting range when he was still on SNL.

Married Life: A new "sly comedy" with Chris Cooper, Patricia Clarkson, Rachel McAdams, and Pierce Brosnan. The latter pretty much ensures that this movie will be playing exclusively on American Airlines Flight 34 by next Friday.

The Spiderwick Chronicles: Some CGI and cartoon junk for kids from Nickelodeon. The press notes say it is an adventure in "an alternative world filled with faeries and other creatures." Filmed totally in West Hollywood.

The Band's Visit: A band comprised of members of the Egyptian police force head to Israel to play at the inaugural ceremony of an Arab arts center, only to find themselves lost in the wrong town. Fayed Philip Sousa. I am sick and tired of feel-good stories about people living in the Middle East.

Chicago 10: This is a half-cartoon, half-live action movie about the trial of the activists behind the Chicago 1968 Democratic Convention rioters. The quintessential LOONEY Tunes. I am sick and tired of feel-good stories about ingrates living in the United States.

10,000 BC: I am sick and tired of feel-good stories about prehistoric men being eated by lions. Paging Fred and Wilma, please.

Juno: You still haven't seen it? You better have a damn good excuse. And have it notarized please.

In Bruges: Colin Farrell. Brendan Gleeson. Ralph Fiennes. Lots of accents. Bye.

Diary of the Dead: The campaign blogs of Mike Huckabee and John Edwards.

Be Kind Rewind: Another Jack Black comedy which is ultimately another Hollywood tragedy. Does anybody still rent VHS tapes? Discuss.

Charlie Bartlett: I already saw this and was underwhelmed. Some high school kid takes on the role of school psychologist complete with prescription pad. Dr. Phil Goes to Algebra.

Definitely, Maybe: I am considering this because critics have said this is several notches up from the usual chick flick. Possibly, probably, perhaps.

No Country for Old Men: The Best Picture winner still hanging around. There's still time to go and be completely disappointed by the ending.

There Will Be Blood: Lingering in theaters like a sinus infection. Only if you absolutely can't nap at home.

College Road Trip: It co-stars Donny Osmond, so I guess it can be THAT bad.

The Bank Job: For those who can't get enough of Jason Statham. As compared to those of us who don't even know who the hell Jason Statham is.

Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day: Perhaps, but from the looks of the ad, she won't make it past the opening weekend.

4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days: A very worthwhile 110 minutes. But, right-to-lifers, please stay home. This ain't for your side of the aisle.

U2 3D: 4get it.

The Year My Parents Went on Vacation: Certainly not a snapshot of my childhood. The ad says "in Portuguese, Hebrew, and Yiddish with English subtitles." I'm confused before I even leave the house.

Taxi to the Dark Side: About a car service that goes to Barack Obama's house. But it did win the Oscar for Best Documentary.

Dinner last night: Black forest ham sandwich on homemade pepper bread.