When Bad Movies Happen to Good Stories

One of the pluses of doing a blog like this is I can still salvage something productive after seeing a really crummy movie. Because I can take out my venom in prose and wind up with a hilarious blog entry. Actually, I've gone into some films knowing that beforehand. I knew that I'd hate "Precious." But, what marvelous material afterward.

So, too, with "The Blind Side" starring Sandra Bullock. From the anvil-heavy trailer to the cloying plotline, I just knew that this movie would have a tailor-made "Len Speaks" target on its back. But, with that knowledge, there still is a little mystery left for me.

Just how much will I hate it? And why?

Well, I'll tell you.

You probably have heard all the hype. I've seen on Facebook from alleged friends just how wonderful this movie is. Sandra Bullock is scoring an almost-certain Oscar nomination. Handicapped people leave the theater being able to walk unaided. "The Blind Side" is just that good, so they say.

Okay, first of all, let me give props to the real life folks that are depicted in this tale. A White southern family that took in a poor Black kid and he winds up as an offensive lineman for the Baltimore Ravens. Kudos to all the real people. I salute you with my right hand.

Razzberries to all the people behind this film. I honor you with my middle finger.

If the real family, who is shown in photos over the closing credits, maintains their existence in such a cliche-riddled environment, all their neighbors should move immediately. And, if the mom played by Sandra Bullock is as much of a bitch in real life, she should be beaten featureless. But, my guess is that the authentic people are really nice and this is just Hollywood's way to overdress them in the most annoying way possible.

When I first watched the trailer for "The Blind Side," I knew I was in trouble when I could finish the dialogue in the clips they showed.

"Is this the first time you've ever had a room?"

"No, a bed."

Duh.

Here's my rule of thumb: if the audience can come up with better dialogue, the script sucks.

Meanwhile, every stereotypical convention is trotted out in "The Blind Side" as if they are all entrants in next year's Kentucky Derby. All rich White people are bigots. All Black people have hearts of gold, except, of course, if you're a woman who is a crack whore. And even then the director tries to make her lovable.

You also can figure out the next scene ten minutes before it happens. You've got the cute and precocious eight year-old boy who talks like a man of fifty. Everything out of his mouth is so super-intelligent you just know he sits alone in the school cafeteria. Well, he's in the family SUV singing rap music with the Black kid and they aren't watching the road. You know there is a car crash coming. And coming. And coming. And coming. The scene is so telegraphed that Western Union should compensate the filmmakers for product placement.

Of course, you also know that every bon mot or clippy word of advice that is uttered in the first half of the movie will be repeated by another character during the last reel. Whenever Sandra Bullock says, "don't you lie to me" to the Black kid, you immediately start to think ahead about where this will be uttered to her by the same character. And it's not hard to figure out the pattern. This movie is nothing more than the most gentle Sudoku puzzle of the week.

As for the supposedly award-bound Bullock, I am hoping that Academy members will come to their senses when they finally see this mess of a performance. Instead of careful nuances, this dumbbell prefers to slam home every line as if her acting coach was Kim Fields from "The Facts of Life." You can actually see the wheels turning in Bullock's skull.

"I have something poignant to say in five minutes. I have something poignant to say in three minutes. I have something poignant to say in one minute. Here it comes. Here it comes. Poignant moment. Watch me!"

How this woman constantly gets roles and my housekeeper still doesn't have an acting career is beyond me. P.S., my housekeeper is not an actress and she can barely speak English. You get the point. Right? Or do I have to repeat it over and over and over and over like they do in this movie? Suffice it to say, Sandra Bullock continues in her status as the Hollywood star most likely to be mistaken for a Hormel canned ham.

Indeed, the really good idea here would have been if someone had the foresight years ago to train a documentary camera on the real family and the kid who wound up in the NFL. That would have genuine and organic. A pleasure to watch.

But, instead, we get "The Blind Side." A HAZMAT clean-up from start to finish.

And another wickedly funny blog entry.

Dinner last night: Spaghetti and meatballs.