Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Unsafe On Any Wednesday

Everybody, get out of the way!! Runaway Prius!!!!!

---All those in the crowd who believe the asshole who was driving this thing, raise your hands.

---Hmmm, I see none. Smart, smart people.

---Read up on this piece of shit who made these allegations and you'll figure out quickly that this is a complete hoax.

---For instance, the dummy was five months behind on his Prius car payments.

---Filed for bankruptcy.

---$700,000 in debt.

---Apparently screwed some folks out of big bucks in some rental properties he owned.

---But, wait, he said he's not in this Toyota thing for the money.

---Uh huh. And you can also believe that Michelle Obama is coming to my house for high tea.

---First off, if your car is racing out of control, how the hell can you hold a steering wheel and dial your cell phone at the same time???

---Meanwhile, he probably had his lawyer waiting on the other line.

---You've heard of Balloon Boy? Now, meet Prius Man.

---The handwringers in the audience all say this jerk should get the benefit of the doubt.

---That actually works in reverse for me. All people are guilty until proven innocent. Len's Code of Ethics.

---Who is getting blamed more now? Toyota or George Bush?

---And who would you prefer to see in the passenger seat of a defective Toyota? A crash dummy or Nancy Pelosi?

---Trust me, there's not that much difference.

---Okay, the crash dummy is better looking.

---Just so you know, if Nancy Pelosi was involved in government someplace in Central America, she would have been shot in the head by now.

---But only if the bullet could penetrate all that Botox.

---Which, by the by, is not covered by the health care reform bill.

---I've heard of more and more people catching up to "Precious" on DVD and shaking their head in confusion.

---The movie is the cinematic equivalent of having your genitals tazered repeatedly.

---I've heard a rumor that, in the sequel, Precious will get set on fire.

---But still pull herself up by her Adidas shoelaces to collect welfare once a month.

---Just a rumor.

---Uh oh! Runaway Prius!!!!!

---I was getting my hair cut and flipping through some of those gossip magazines. Both I and my hair stylist Lisa were lamenting about the people depicted on those pages.

---And wondering who the fuck these celebrities are.

---What the hell is a Kendra???

---Who the heck is Jake Pavelka and why do I care?

---Where did all these friggin' Kardeshians come from???

---I long for the old days. The celebrities were true stars. And the headlines were better.

---Like when Lana Turner's daughter stabbed her mother's mobster boyfriend.

---Now that's fun stuff.

---Nowadays, we are asked to worry about Kate Gosselin getting a tear in her Ugg boots.

---Whoever she is.

---Wait!!! Runaway Prius!!!!!!!

---The best line during my haircut? My hair stylist lamenting about all these food allergies she has developed.

---"I used to drop acid. Now I can't even eat a piece of rye bread."

I can't write funnier than that. I'll quit while I'm still only two runs behind. And head off to New York.

Dinner last night: Chopped steak and salad.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Good luck in NY. Sidestep the vomit from St. Patty's Day revelers.