Thursday, May 20, 2010

24 x 8 = 192

Next Monday, Jack Bauer wraps up his last ever television day with the two-hour series finale. Fans of the show will know that, at the moment, Jack is a vigilante looking for revenge and walking seemingly unnoticed through the streets of Manhattan. Bernie Goetz must be relishing this plotline with a big pan of Jiffy Pop on his lap.

So, "24" has gotten super expensive Fox is now opting out so they can move their anti-hero to the multiplexes with a series of movies. Will audiences be asked to sit through a 24-hour movie? Well, the plan is to condense a full day's action into two hours. Or, given the way today's directors don't know how to edit, three hours.

But, that's the future and we should be here to salute the past. Eight years of really compelling television. Eight days that, with commercial breaks reducing each hour to 45 minutes, really only totals six days. In reality, Jack owes us another two days of frenzy. But why quibble? This has been great drama and certainly is not your average episode of "One Tree Hill."

If you ever watch "24" and stop to think about it logically for even thirty seconds, you'd realize how utterly preposterous it all is. Jack could navigate the freeways of LA and get from the ocean to Riverside in about 15 minutes. Never once in all these years of Socal driving has Bauer ever hit a SIG Alert or Caltrans working on the road. Meanwhile, going home from nighttime Dodger games, I usually hit one of these roadblocks on an average of twice a month. Of course, Jack has Chloe back at CTU letting him know where those delays are. I have to rely on Captain Jorge in the KABC helicopter.

In eight seasons of "24," I've counted five different US Presidents. Or was there six? I forget who took over when President Wayne Palmer suffered injuries when a bomb went off at one of his press conferences. Was the replacement sworn in or wasn't he? Not an issue for "24." That would have required some deep thinking. Meanwhile, the show gave us not one, but two Black Presidents long before Obummer ditched his Chicago clipboard for the Oval Office. And, frankly, I would have voted for both of them over the White Sox' "number 1 fan." And, the last sitting "24" President was a woman who has beaten Hillary to the punch in a big way. Frankly, most of these Chief Executives on "24" can govern rings around the dodos we've elected to the White House. Another reason why "24" is so frequently unbelievable. Their Presidents actually deserve respect.

I came to "24" late. I started to watch in its fourth season, mainly because they had added William Devane to the cast as the Secretary of State. In the first episode, I had no clue what was happening, except there was an explosion every five minutes and part of LA was demolished. What's not to like about that? But, as with every new day on "24," the new characters and plotlines start to crystalize by the second hour and you are sucked into this visual Oreck Vacuum. It is impossible to turn away.

After Day 4 had ended, I had to see what I had missed in the first three days. So I started Netflixing them in order. I wound up watching the first three seasons in the space of one month. I was totally caught up. And clinically deaf in one ear.

Just before Season 5, I was walking through my Westwood neighborhood and saw some TV production signs on all the street poles. "24 will be shooting here next week. Expect to hear gunfire." Woo hoo. As if gunfire would be an alien noise in Los Angeles? When it's too quiet outside, I call the cops. Nevertheless, the scenes in my hood were the ones where then ex-President David Palmer was assassinated in his Wilshire high-rise apartment. And this wasn't the first time there was a dead ex-President near my house, since the year before they had carted the dead Ronald Reagan past my living room window. No, wait. Which one was the real President and which wasn't? "24" tends to leave its fans hopelessly confused.

Every season on "24" you can count on one character at CTU (Counter Terrorist Unit) turning out to be a mole. This had led me to a serious distrust of most of the people that I work with on a daily basis. Had Fox been cognizant of this growing trend in the workplace, they could have made a fortune marketing "24" endorsed tazers. Perfect for that asshole who forgot to reload paper in the Xerox machine. Unfortunately, the studio missed this golden opportunity and we've all had to resort to the black market for our weapons against office supply thievery.

"24" was also remarkable in its ability to define our international enemies long before they came into fashion. Russians? Bad. The Chinese? Bad. The Koreans? Stupid and bad. Muslims? They hide it well, but still bad. And the US Government always recognizes it on "24," and this pretty much explains why the Obama family must be always tuned "Dancing With the Stars" instead.

"24" often got sighted for displaying acts of torture. Scenes like this were always proceeded with a viewer warning. That was a alert to me that I needed to pay even closer attention. With a smile on my face and a Klondike Bar in my hand.

This past day, we got some really delicious methods of "interrogation." One dirtbag swallowed a microchip of information and, in order to remove it from the guy's innards, Jack gutted him like a flounder at the Fulton Fish Market. Not before enhancing the wound pain with some lighter fluid and a blow torch. And the annual CTU mole this season spent an entire episode getting waterboarded and I finally got an idea how harsh this treatment is. It also made me wish that it was the focal point of a new program on the Game Show Network.

The main reason all this nonsense always seemed to be utterly believable was due to the terrific work of actor Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer. And that's a preposterous statement on its own. Good acting? Kiefer Sutherland? Still, Sutherland made it all work as he stripped Jack of one emotional layer after another. It was the role of a lifetime and it's no wonder that he wants to continue it on the big screen. What else is he going to do? Sit in a bar and drink? Oh, he'll probably do that, too.

Yep, "24" was often a mess. But it held our attention, engaged our emotions, and, in a bizarre way, gave us hope. That television can be good. And that the government could make smart decisions once in a while.

When that first movie is done, I'll be there on the opening weekend. With a smile on my face. And a Klondike Bar in my hand.

But, wait! As I write this, Hollywood is rampant with rumors. The proposed "24" movie is a smokescreen and Jack is really "killed" in the last episode. That would be the ultimate and final trick up the producers' sleeves.

Oh, what the hell. I can still have that Klondike Bar and wait to tazer that jerk down the hall who steals my paper clips.

Dinner last night: Lasagna.

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