Morons of the Month - November 2010

When the Cloris Leachman sitcom "Phyllis" went into its second season, the writers gave their lead character a new job in an attempt to boost ratings.  Phyllis Lindstrom was to be the assistant to one of the folks on the San Francisco Board of Supervisors.  As it turned out, nothing in that office was remotely funny and Phyllis followed husband Lars to the television graveyard.

Now, had this series been on the air in November 2010, there are oodles of hilarious antics going on with the San Francisco Board of Supervisors.   Like, for instance, their recent ruling on McDonald's Happy Meals. 

Yep, no more toys, kids.  The powers that be have decided that you need to eat better.  And if you're thinking you want to eat poorly just so you can get that Jack Sparrow action figure, forget about it.  It's time for us, the governing body of your city of San Francisco,  to fix your eating habits.  After all, didn't you youngsters all see Michelle Obama talking to Oscar on Sesame Street and counseling him on just what a great after-school snack a radish can be?

Puh-leze!!!  Where the hell does it stop?

Okay, I recognize that obesity is an issue in America.  There are plenty of fat kids trolling the playgrounds of the nation.  Or, more likely, eating themselves to oblivion by never leaving the computer during the aftershool hours.  Yeah, that's great exercise.  Texting.  In about four decades, the keyboard skills of youngsters are going to be the best on the globe.  They unfortunately will suck at everything else.

This month's morons, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, are simply jumping on the bandwagon that Michelle Obama kicked off in her advisors' desperate attempt to find some benign social cause that would not get the First Lady in trouble.  Sure, counseling kids not to eat Ring Dings after school is pretty harmless.  And darn hypocritical when Michelle looks across the Wamsuttas and see her own chain-smoking, junk food-eating hubby.  The scenes of those two cavorting and dancing around with a bunch of dirt urchins in India are purely laughable.  She's worrying about what children eat?  Over there, I think they're snacking on each other.

So, let's all now attack McDonald's.  Yet, in moderation and with careful monitoring, I think there is still a place in a child's life for a Happy Meal.  With a toy.   If you're a smart parent, that's what a McDonald's visit should be for your kid.  A special treat.  But there's the operative words at the beginning of that sentence...

"If you're a smart parent..."

In reality, there are a lot out there who are not.  And they don't pay one iota of attention to the fact that these young charges are all starting to look like Pugsley Addams.  Those are the folks that the government has decreed need the most help in being a parent.  If you haven't got the time, your civic leaders do.  In time, the goal is to pretty much reduce the parenting role to simply being just the adults who happen to live with children in a household.  Trustees, companions, and little else.

Okay, I was a fat kid myself.  I ate my share of garbage.  I remember my neighborhood buddy Leo and I walking every afternoon to Charlie's Deli for a treat.  An apple or a banana?  Nah.  We opted for the Yodels, the Wise Barbecue Potato Chips, or the Hostess Ho Hos.  But, we were also burning it off immediately with a game of punchball, touch football, or maybe simply a long walk to the public library.  Why?  Because we were encouraged to do so.

For me, pizza, McDonald's, Burger King, and the like were reserved for special meal nights.  With my folks both working, they still managed to work doubly hard to make sure I ate balanced meals.  In high school, when I got completely fed up after a leg injury reduced me to Jabba the Hutt, I worked with them to help me change my dietary habits even further.  I got them to buy more low calorie items like yogurt and fat-free salad dressing.  They complied because they cared. 

I'm not saying all of today's parents are neglectful.  But, there are enough out there who are.  Some simply because life has necessitated it.  Households with both parents working multiple jobs.  Homes with single parents.  And, yes, sadly, some abodes with a couple of ultra-lazy guardians.

So, our government knows this and squirms through the smallest of openings like the tiniest and fastest half-back on your football team.  And now your child's special treat is modified simply because you yourself have allowed the government to work under the delusion that they know what's best for your kids.

This is not the first time our wonderful leaders have stepped into the lives of our youth.   I remember when I was in elementary school and we were all dealing with the annual physical fitness test that had been originally dictated by President John F. Kennedy.  Each year, your gym class was consumed with these athletic stunts that were designed to measure just how physically fit we were.  As if running back and forth to pick up an eraser is any measure of your ability to do anything.  With his bad back from swimming around the South Pacific with some guy on his back after PT 109 sunk, I doubt the President himself could bend over to pick up an eraser without wincing.  But, still, we were all forced to. 

Since I wasn't that athletic, I always failed miserably at these exercises.  I dreaded the moment every single school year.  Because I'd go home from school with the three-hole punched pages of failure secured in my notebook all over again.  Another blow to my self-esteem.  Courtesy of the government.

When we let the government dictate to this level and extreme, we are all soon to be very screwed.  Heck, just look at the "green" movement.  We've already got federally-dictated light bulbs that require a Hazmat unit if they happen to break.  And just think what might have happen if  the "green" movement really takes hold.  Here comes waterless showers and recycled mouthwash.  Oops, say so long to the salt on our tables and the Happy Meal moment in your kids' life.  Where does it stop?

Trust me, the government is not Robert Young.  It does not know best.  Just look at the state of California where these very Happy Meal haters live. 

This is the state that, last week, actually featured a proposition vote to legalize the use of marijuana.  Luckily, it did not pass.

This is the state that, over the last two decades, have so over saturated the retirement packages of state and government workers that there is barely any money to keep criminals in jail.

This is the state and, in the case of San Francisco, the city where you cannot turn in illegal immigrants even if they commit a crime.  A "sanctuary city."  A safe haven for crime.

And, now amidst all the mess of the previous three paragraphs, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors has found the absolute worst offender.

The Buzz Lightyear action figure comfortably residing alongside the Big Mac Junior and the small bag of French Fries that your kid has been craving for days.

Dinner last night:  Seared chicken breast, rice cakes, and parsnips/carrot medley.