330: BYZANTIUM IS RENAMED NOVA ROMA DURING A DEDICATION CEREMONY.
Nova Roma? I swear that's an Italian restaurant on Tuckahoe Road in Yonkers.
912: ALEXANDER BECOMES EMPEROR OF THE BYZANTINE EMPIRE.
But the really big news was when he opened up a department store on Fordham Road in the Bronx.
1310: IN FRANCE, FIFTY-FOUR MEMBERS OF THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR ARE BURNED AT THE STAKE AS HERETICS.
How do you like your Knight Templar? Medium rare, please.
1502: CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS LEAVES FOR HIS FOURTH AND FINAL VOYAGE TO THE WEST INDIES.
This guy saw more waves than Veronica Lake's hair stylist.
1647: PETER STUYVESANT ARRIVES IN NEW AMSTERDAM TO REPLACE WILLEM KIEFT AS DIRECTOR-GENERAL OF NEW NETHERLAND, THE DUTCH COLONIAL SETTLEMENT IN PRESENT-DAY NEW YORK.
He was undoubtedly tired after a long trip so his friend suggested, "You need to go to bed, Stuyvesant." Okay, you try to write this every Wednesday and stay incredibly clever.
1792: CAPTAIN ROBERT GRAY BECOMES THE FIRST DOCUMENTED WHITE PERSON TO SAIL INTO THE COLUMBIA RIVER.
Well, there goes the neighborhood.
1812: PRIME MINISTER SPENCER PERCEVAL IS ASSASSINATED BY JOHN BELLINGHAM IN THE LOBBY OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, LONDON.
Conspiracy theorists do suggest that there was another gunman hiding behind a couch.
1820: THE LAUNCH OF THE HMS BEAGLE, THE SHIP THAT TOOK CHARLES DARWIN ON HIS SCIENTIFIC VOYAGE.
My favorite breed of dog. I'm just sayin'.
1858: MINNESOTA IS ADMITTED AS THE 32ND US STATE.
Glad this happened, because I'd like to think that Mary Richards was an American citizen.
1867: LUXEMBOURG GAINS ITS INDEPENDENCE.
Somebody please find this place on a map. I dare you.
1891: TSAREVICH NICHOLAS ALEXANDROVICH OF IMPERIAL RUSSIA SUFFERS A CRITICAL HEAD INJURY DURING A SWORD ATTACK BY JAPANESE POLICEMAN TSUDA SANZO. HE IS RESCUED BY PRINCE GEORGE OF GREECE AND DENMARK.
Just how many different countries can we squeeze into this melee??
1904: PAINTER SALVADOR DALI IS BORN.
Hello, Dali.
1907: A DERAILMENT OUTSIDE LOMPOC, CALIFORNIA KILLS 32 SHRINERS ON A CHARTERED TRAIN.
Must have been confusing on that train anyway. All those red caps amongst all those red caps.
1911: ACTOR/COMEDIAN PHIL SILVERS IS BORN.
Sgt. Bilko, atten-shun!
1912: COMEDIAN FOSTER BROOKS IS BORN.
The most lovable drunk I knew that wasn't in my family.
1922: BASEBALL UMPIRE NESTOR CHYLAK IS BORN.
Cited here only because it's such a cool name.
1924: MERCEDES-BENZ IS FORMED BY GOTTLIEB DAIMLER AND KARL BENZ.
So, which one of these guys was screwing some broad named Mercedes?
1927: THE ACADEMY OF MOTION PICUTRE ARTS AND SCIENCES IS FOUNDED.
And now Bob Hope had someplace to be one night in March for the next forty or so years.
1933: ISLAM LEADER LOUIS FARRAKHAN IS BORN.
Shithead.
1942: WILLIAM FAULKNER'S "GO DOWN, MOSES" IS PUBLISHED.
Let's hope that title isn't from the perspective of Mrs. Moses.
1949: ISRAEL JOINS THE UNITED NATIONS.
"Hello, Bubbala, where do I sit?"
1973: CITING GOVERNMENT MISCONDUCT, DANIEL ELLSBERG HAS CHARGES FOR HIS INVOLVEMENT IN RELEASING THE PENTAGON PAPERS TO THE NEW YORK TIMES DISMISSED.
All the news that's fit to sell.
1979: COUNTRY MUSIC STAR LESTER FLATT DIES.
"Come and listen to a story about a man named Dead."
1981: SINGER BOB MARLEY DIES.
The guy who proved that you can still be successful with very dirty hair.
1987: KLAUS BARBIE GOES ON TRIAL FOR WWII WAR CRIMES.
He was aided and abetted by Otto Von Ken and Ludwig Skipper.
1987: THE FIRST HEART-LUNG TRANSPLANT TAKES PLACE IN BALTIMORE, MARYLAND.
Also in the deal, a spleen to be named later.
1996: THE 1996 EVEREST DISASTER - ON A SINGLE DAY, EIGHT PEOPLE DIE DURING SUMMIT ATTEMPTS ON MOUNT EVEREST.
There's a reason why God invented feet and gravity.
2006: BOXER FLOYD PATTERSON DIES.
"Eight, nine....ten."
Dinner last night: Turkey burger and salad.
1 comment:
Uptown it's Alexander's.
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