Saul and Heshe Kibbitz About the Emmys

Our favorite, gristled Hollywood veterans, Saul and Heshe, met for breakfast yesterday and groused over the Emmy Awards they watched the night before.  Let's listen in to their conversation over omelets at Nate N'Al's in Beverly Hills.

"Oy."

"Oy.  And they put that hefker on in the middle of the High Holy Days?"

"May all their seats be in the back of the shul."

"Those people on the award shows these days?  I don't know who they are.  One pisher after another."

"What is Louis CK?"

"Cologne.  My wife gave me some last Chanukah."

"No, no, that's Calvin Klein, God bless.  This guy is, you'll pardon the expression, a comedian.  He was up for every award."

"I was too busy trying to figure out who the host was."

"Jimmy Kimmel."

"I don't know him.  Was he on Larry King lately?"

"Larry King's not on CNN anymore."

"Go on?  I'm lost without the TV Guide.  I have to make with the remote control and that program guide.  Who do they think I am?  A scientist?"

"Kimmel does a late night show now."

"Like Johnny?"

"Definitely not like Johnny."

"Me, I just found out that Dick Cavett isn't working anymore.  He was a nice boy when he started out."

"Kimmel was not funny.  You could see him schvitz."

"Adlai Stevenson cracked better jokes."

"Then I walked away and, all of a sudden, there was a dead schwatza on the stage." 

"One of the colored waiters?"

"No, I think he was an actor.  They didn't put his name in for the death roll, so I have no idea who he was."

"Was my name there?  Because I'm still alive."

"Me, too.  Knock wood.  But with Emmy awards like that, I lost a year or two for sure."

"Whose name did they list?"

"Andy Griffith."

"Dead."

"Phyllis Diller."

"Ugly.  And dead."

"Ernie Borgnine."

"A mentsh.  And ugly.  And dead."

"Those were all stars.  Not like today."

"Oy."

"Oy gevalt."

"I don't watch television much anymore.   I turn on my fireplace."

"Don't you want to keep up with the kids and what they're watching?"

"They're watching drek.  And I'm just some alter kocker.  They don't care about me."

"But this was your business.  You were a trend setter in your day.  You knew Angie Dickinson."

"She did put out."

"Those were the days.  The women schlepping around at the Emmys?  I saw nothing that would get me going south of the navel."

"There were a lot of bright, yellow dresses.  You could see them from outer space on that Goober Maps."

"Google."

"Yeah, yeah.  Barney.  He used to be in the funny pages." 

"You really gotta get more modern.  More with it."

"These days, I'm mostly without it.  And I have to get up and pee four or five times a night."

"I miss the stars.  I didn't know any of the people at the Emmys."

"Lena Dunham?"

"Who?"

"Zooey Bechemel?"

"Deschanel."

"Whatever.  Who?"

"Homeland?"

"Who?"

"It's a show that won for Best Drama."

"Oh.  What?"

"I'm so confused.  I think I got that Oldtimers disease."

"Ahlzeimer's."

"Maybe I got that, too."

"Mad Men?"

"Yes, we are.  Because we don't know our own business anymore.  And also because these little chopped onions in my omelet?  I won't be able to process them."

"We used to be it.  We used to get all the hot invitations."

"Marilyn Maxwell threw a nice spread."

"Marilyn Maxwell was a nice spread."

"God bless."

"It's not what it used to be.  Now only the waitress recognizes us."

"And that's because we come in here every day for breakfast and lunch."

"Eh, I got my health.  A few shekels in the bank.  Maybe I go home and show the missus I still got it."

"Take her out on the town."

"The Coconut Grove?"

"Closed."

"Perino's." 

"Closed."

"Don the Beachcomber."

"Way closed."

"Oh, well.  I guess it's Jerry's Famous Deli for a noshe and a glezel tai."

"You could always make it special.  Splash on some of that Louis CK."

Dinner last night:  Chicken sausage, corn, and cole slaw.