Friday, September 28, 2012

If I Tweeted - September 2012

Well, I do have an account now.   Except I haven't used it much.  But, if I did, here's what I would have tweeted this past month.

#LenSpeaks  It's Labor Day and I can't find the telethon anywhere.  Did they finally find a cure?

#LenSpeaks  Or is the disease still around and they just fired Jerry Lewis?

#LenSpeaks  Meanwhile, I flip the dials a few days later and I still see a telethon with rabbis.  I guess that means you can still come down with Chabad.

#LenSpeaks  Is it just weird timing or did all those Egyptian riots just happen to coincide with 9/11?

#LenSpeaks  There are parts of the Middle East that should be nothing more than garage parking for Israel.

#LenSpeaks  Here's a group you'll never hear about in the Mid East.  The Muslim Sisterhood.

#LenSpeaks  Watching a Met game at Citi Field in September is akin to sitting by yourself on the side of a quiet lake.

#LenSpeaks  35,000 people disguised as hot dog wrappers.

#LenSpeaks  It's election season and somebody asked me if I believe the polls.  I responded that I had more faith in the Swiss.

#LenSpeaks  Rim shot.

#LenSpeaks  The Dodgers are like a godsend to an abused wife.  They completely stopped hitting.

#LenSpeaks  I'm on a flight back to LA and I see Melissa Rivers on board.  Does anybody know how Botox affects the flying weight of an airplane?

#LenSpeaks  I suddenly realize.  If my flight has problems, the headline will read, "MELISSA RIVERS, OTHERS IN PERIL."

#LenSpeaks  I'm officially an other.

#LenSpeaks  Quick, somebody call TMZ.  Melissa Rivers just went to the bathroom.

#LenSpeaks  And came out two minutes later.  Melissa, you don't wash your hands.

#LenSpeaks  It's Endeavor-mania in Los Angeles.  A day where everybody is gladly looking up into the smog.

#LenSpeaks  The way it flew around LA landmarks was sort of like what they do with a hearse on the way to a cemetery.  "Let's drive past the house one last time."

#LenSpeaks  Everybody was cheering the shuttle, except none of them realized that it's no longer flying because the government won't fund the program anymore.

#LenSpeaks  I'm always confused by these Emmy acceptance speeches.  Thanking people by saying "I love you as a person."

#LenSpeaks  As opposed to what?  Loving somebody as a sofa?

#LenSpeaks  Am I the only one who thinks Tina Fey is really unattractive?

#LenSpeaks  I watch none of the TV shows that were Emmy winners this year.  I'm just sayin'.

#LenSpeaks  So the President did a radio interview with a DJ called "Pimp with a Limp."  I don't know about you but that just made me throw up on my copy of the Constitution.

#LenSpeaks  Obama also went on that probing talk show, "The View."  With Barbara Walters.  "The Hag with a Bag."

#LenSpeaks  And Joy Behar.  "The Bitch with a Hitch."

#LenSpeaks  It's now official.  I am totally embarrassed by the man that runs this country.

#LenSpeaks  Are those football replacement referees an extension of the NFL Summer Intern Program?

#LenSpeaks  It's amazing how more people were incensed by the referee strike than what's going on in the Middle East.   This country is jampacked with morons.

#LenSpeaks  And what the fuck is a Honey Boo Boo? 

#LenSpeaks  In my doctor's office and watching Streisand on that Katie Couric gabfest.  Yikes!

#LenSpeaks  People, people with bad Botox are the ugliest people in the world....

#LenSpeaks  Meanwhile, Babs is bilking the public.  Going on her fourth farewell tour.  Selling the nose bleed seats at the Hollywood Bowl for $300!

#LenSpeaks  Maybe we'll be lucky.  If Romney wins, she'll move to Brazil.

#LenSpeaks  Finally got my bill from the surgeon for my knee operation.  Total bill: $17,500.  Patient responsibility: twenty bucks.   

#LenSpeaks  And we need a new health care system in this country why?

#LenSpeaks  Rest in peace, Andy Williams.  I really can't get used to losing you. 

Dinner last night:  Bacon and eggs.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm a "30 Rock" fan but totally agree that Tina Fey takes home the prize for homely. They keep trying to glam her up. Doesn't work. Doesn't have the DNA. She's a Plain Jane. Face of a character actress, body that no one notices. The good news? Not as homely as Ellen (Covergirl spokesmodel?) DeGenerate. Ellen, that face should be selling shock absorbers.