Thursday, February 23, 2017

Your Winning Oscar Ballot Part 1

Here we go again.   If you've been on this blog in past years, you know that I am an expert Oscar prognosticator.   I regularly won the pools with my pals.   This year, however, we didn't play because my two friends are still, in part, suffering through some malaise from the recent election.   

At the same time, why should I deprive you of my expertise if you've got an office pool to enter?   So, here we go.  Today I tackle all the categories that your Oscar party guests talk over.  But they still count so get out your pencils.

SOUND EDITING:   Wait, what?   You went to go get more potato chips already? The winner for this award is...I think...HACKSAW RIDGE.

SOUND MIXING:  Hey, you forgot the onion dip.   The winner for that glorious musical production number on the freeway is LA LA LAND.   You'll be seeing that a lot, I think.

ORIGINAL SCORE:  Of course, it's the only musical nominated.   The winner is LA LA LAND.   That's Oscar #2.

ORIGINAL SONG:  As much as they would like to hear a snarky and political acceptance speech from Lin-Manuel Miranda for that dopey tune from "Moana," the obvious choice is "City of Stars" from LA LA LAND.  Admit it.   You're humming it right now.   Oscar #3.

VISUAL EFFECTS:  Even I'll admit that those CGI animals were plenty scary in THE JUNGLE BOOK.

PRODUCTION DESIGN:  It had the most imaginative look of any movie I saw all year.  The winner is LA LA LAND.   Oscar #4.

MAKEUP AND HAIR STYLING:  The winner is STAR TREK BEYOND.  Why? It's the only one of the three nominees that I actually saw.

COSTUME DESIGN:  The winner is LA LA LAND.  I love anything Emma Stone wears.  Oscar #5.

FILM EDITING:  This just won't stop.  The winner is LA LA LAND.  Oscar #6.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE:  If La La Land was in French, it would win here, too. There is a nominated film whose director is boycotting the Oscars because of President Trump.   What a sneaky way to ensure you get an Oscar.   The winner is THE SALESMAN.

ANIMATED FEATURE:  I haven't seen any of the five nominees.  Where's Mickey and Bugs when you really need them?  The winner is ZOOTOPIA.

ANIMATED SHORT:  If I didn't see any of the animated features, do you really think I went to see the shorts?  I see something with a cute bird.  The winner is PIPER.

LIVE ACTION SHORT:  No clue.  Throwing a pencil.  The winner is ENNEMIS INTERIEURS.   Is that French for "enema?"

DOCUMENTARY SHORT:  I hear the buzz is for JOE'S VIOLIN.  Without the buzz, I would have no idea.

DOCUMENTARY FEATURE:  Okay, two films that didn't make into the five nominations were my favorites in this category.  "Weiner" and "The Witness."   These were terrific stories.   But I also saw OJ: MADE IN AMERICA and it is on the list.   Sure, it's nine hours long but, even watching it in eight parts, it's as captivating.   And disturbing.   What a freakin' dumb jury.

CINEMATOGRAPHY:  Los Angeles never looked more colorful on screen.  My God, you can't see any dirt.  The winner is LA LA LAND.   Oscar #7.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:   One of the few movies I liked in 2016 has to be thrown at least one bone.  The winner, as grim as it is, will be MANCHESTER BY THE SEA.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY:  For its ingenious story about three stages in a young man's life, the winner is MOONLIGHT.  

You'll have to come back tomorrow to see the major categories.   And find out if I think La La Land will crack the double digit Oscar club.

Dinner last night:  Pork chop with sauteed spinach and mushrooms.

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