I've never been the biggest fan of this holiday. I love cooking for friends over the holidays, but less so for Thanksgiving. On Christmas, I can get bold and inventive. On the fourth Thursday of November, you sort of have to follow a format and those food staples are not that compelling for me. I make a kick ass stuffing in a slow cooker and I love putting together homemade cranberry sauce. But, other than that....meh.
So, last year for the first time in 25 years, I ditched the LA kitchen for a seat at the table of friends. I was so exhilarated by the experience that I am repeating it in 2022.
Still...not my favorite holiday. Over the course of my life, I spent it at the Macy's parade or in my kitchen or on my couch arguing with an uncle. Big whoop! Throughout it all, I come up with some of the same memories...and recollections that I always do. For instance...
---Just when are turkeys killed so they can be prepped for super market sale by Thanksgiving.
---I am guessing most turkeys must be sweating out October every year. And then those that get through there with necks attached must get a false sense of security becausem, just around the corner, you get Christmas.
---Which is also a bad time of year if you're a vacuum-packed ham.
---What the hell is a turnip?
---My grandmother used to love to eat the turkey's behind and innards. Sometimes called "the Pope's nose."
---And that only works if the current guy is an Italian.
---They actually conduct a major marketing campaign around that string bean casserole thrown together with a can of cream of mushroom soup and some onion rings. I saw a commercial that talked lovingly about the history of this dish.
---Gee, there's a lot of love that goes into that dish. Three cans to open and you're done.
---Hope you didn't work up a sweat, Aunt Marge.
---Oh, what am I saying? I did the same thing the last three Thanksgivings that I hosted.
---Do you wonder what the percentage is of half-eaten meals at a family gathering? I mean, as soon as somebody brings up Biden or Trump...
---If you go Christmas shopping on the day after Thanksgiving, you are a loser. And an idiot.
---They're already talking about people being lined up at 4AM to be the first ones into Walmart.
---It is a media-concocted event that most stupid Americans have bought into hook, line, and drumstick.
---But why is it you never see people camped outside of a Nordstrom's?
---And look at the people in the news reports around the event. It's called "Black Friday" for another reason.
---By Friday night, we'll see virtual stampedes of people who all look like they had that extra third or fourth slice of pumpkin pie.
---We haven't see such a storm of angry elephants since "Tarzan Finds a Son."
---Wouldn't the states of Nebraska and Arkansas make great parking lots for New York and California?
---Must be fun Thanksgiving dinners when all those peckerwoods in the middle of the country get together over the paper tablecloth-covered bridge table.
---"I'd like you to meet my new wife, Cousin Shirley."
---Yes, I am an elitist. Always looking to be on the right side of the velvet rope.
---Is it me or has the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade be commercialized beyond belief? Every damn float and balloon comes attached with some corporate sponsor.
---Remember when you had Popeye and Bullwinkle? Now, you've got the freakin' Energizer bunny.
---Maybe Lamisil should sponsor a balloon. I'd love to see that disgusting toe fungus character being dragged down Broadway.
---The best part of the parade is counting the C list caliber of celebrity that shows up.
---"Oh, look, on the Pilgrim Float, why it's Elaine Joyce!!"
---I went to the parade five years in a row when we had third floor offices in New York. You get a great view of how much duct tape they need to hold together Garfield's ass.
---There's already one radio station here in Los Angeles that has flipped to all Christmas music. And I am already sick of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer." Must be a real knee slapper in Louisiana.
---Okay, I've got a beef with Burl Ives. What the hell is a "holly jolly Christmas?"
---Holly is a noun, not an adjective! I've never heard of somebody being holly.
---What can I expect from some old guy who was singing Jimmy Crackcorn?
---And I don't care!
Enjoy the holiday. Hopefully more than me.
Dinner last night: Mongolian beef at Wokcano.
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