That is, unless the horrific experience I had seeing "Poor Things" doesn't deter me from ever seeing a movie again. A long time ago, I saw something called "The Tin Drum," which I believe won a Foreign Film Oscar. It got no awards from me and was declared the worst film I've ever seen in my lifetime.
Until now. "The Tin Drum" finally falls to second place on Len's Crappy Films list.
I saw this one with all good intentions. I am a fan of Emma Stone and have liked her work in lighter fare like "La La Land" and "Crazy Stupid Love." If she stuck to rom coms, I would be a ticket holder for all of them.
But you see, since she won an Oscar and probably wants more, comedies will not be her direction. Indeed, she is the odds-on favorite for the Best Actress Award on Oscar night. And, inexplicably, "Poor Things" falls into the Golden Globe category of Comedy. I wonder who's laughing at the moment because I'm not.
"Poor Things" is one of those movies that I needed to read about on Wikipedia as soon as I got home. I sat on the computer and shook my head. Is that what the film was about? You could have fooled me.
This thing is, I think, set at the turn of the century. Willem Defoe, with a scarred face signifying he got too close to a Ginzu chef on his last visit to Benihana, plays a surgeon named...wait for it...God. He's one of those doctors who likes to play mix and match with body parts. This is why you see chickens walking around with heads from bulldogs and pigs.
Emma Stone plays a pregnant Bella who opens the picture by jumping off a bridge. "God" retrieves her body and places the brain of her still-alive infant into her head. So, you have a child-like adult. Jerry Lewis made a fortune with this act. But it is inexplicable here.
Bella decides to travel the world and have sex. Lots of it, which Bella calls "furious jumping" and "cocking." If you've been dying to see Emma Stone's nipples a lot, this is the movie for you. At one point, she wants to give money to all those women with dead babies (can we have one film from Hollywood that doesn't mention abortion?) so she becomes a prostitute. More furious jumping and cocking.
Bella wanders around Paris and Lisbon on her adventures and I think also a cruise ship. I can't be sure of the latter because, by this time, I was covering my eyes. To make matters even more dire, the first 20 minutes of the film are in black and white before shifting to color. I assume this was a creative choice. Or perhaps the idiots that made this mess simply put the wrong film stock in the camera.
The final "FU" from the filmmakers is with the ending credits. They are done with varying different fonts and sizes, rendering them unreadable. Perhaps this was done by design so we couldn't identify the names of the dopes who made a movie that essentially is nothing more than a toilet bowl at a bus station. If you know what's good for you, you don't want to look.
I probably will forgive Emma Stone in time. But, for the rest of the jerks behind "Poor Things?" I hope to never see the likes of them again.
LEN'S RATING: ZERO stars!!!
Dinner last night: Leftover beef tenderloin.
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