Your Black Friday Mall Alternative

 My annual gift to you on this, the manic shopping day known as Black Friday.  If you're out in the malls today, you are no friend of mine.   So, instead of fighting with some slob over a sweater, let me help you with these gift ideas straight out of Amazon.

For that cousin you know belongs in Cirque du Soleil.

 Your goldfish should not have more square footage than you do.

 Let's make it easier for Lucky to go piss on the sofa.

 If you could seal up the end and toss it around the house, I might be a buyer.

Unless the name is interchangeable, this T-shirt has a very limited market.

This device can replace your barber.  Until, of course, you need to call him to repair the damage you did.

 Orthopedic surgeon is optional.

You have to be pretty lazy if you need a vacuum to get the lint out of your dryer.

 Wonder why the back of your seat keeps bumping you?

Designed to improve circulation.   But, as soon as you put this contraption on, you know the doorbell will ring.

 For the pervert in your family.

The woman and batteries are extra.

Dinner last night:  Turkey dinner at the home of Bob and Ellen.