Classic TV Commercial of the Month - May 2016

I think this actually happened in my house.

Dinner last night:  Meat lasagna with two cheeses and bechemel sauce.

Let's All Dance Around the Mug Pole This May

 "It" has been arrested.

 Does Spock know what you did?

 If he was convicted of robbery, I hope he was trying to steal a chin.

Nothing but water now.

 Can you imagine Lenscrafters trying to measure her for glasses?

 Well, we know J. Edgar didn't run this division...

 Merrily we go to jail, go to jail...

Apparently.

 Michelle Obama called.  She wants her wig back.

 It never is.

It sure did.

Um, not yet.

Dinner last night:  Pepperoni pizza and salad.

I Now Endorse For President...

If you're like me, the current Presidential election picture has you confounded and totally perplexed.    As the slate whittles down to two detestable front runners, you scratch your head because all the original choices were...well...horrific.  In a lot of respects, America is getting what they deserve for years of not paying attention to the caliber and false agendas of those they have elected to office.

Now, in the past on this blog, I have offered up an ideal choice to be our next President.   

Jack Benny.

And, sadly, that has not resulted in the groundswell of support that I had hoped for because, frankly, even I had to acknowledge one major obstacle.   The man is dead.

But I have re-thought and come up with a candidate that makes total sense for this country moving forward.

Secretary of State Elizabeth McCord, as played by Tea Leoni every Sunday night on CBS' "Madam Secretary."

Okay, okay, I know.   It's a fictional character.   But, oh, how I wish it wasn't. Because she's a woman who clearly has the moxie and guts to make the tough decision.

More importantly, she is apolitical.   Not associated with either of the two parties that are destroying this nation.

Seriously, watch this show.   You will be hard pressed to discern what party she is affiliated with.  Because, in some episodes, she makes decisions that seem to be conjured up by the right.  And, on other weeks, she seems to be working for the left.   But, at all times, she is working solely for the American people.   How damn refreshing is that?

Truly, Elizabeth McCord is an independent and it's that kind of judgment that we need in this country right now.   If you want to see what a model states person is, tune into "Madam Secretary."  Oh, sure, there are misfires.   The program features an international disaster of the week.   And there was one episode where Elizabeth got counsel from that former nut job Madeline Albright.  But, for the most part, Madam Secretary is what we need for our next President of the United States.

If our problems could be so easily fixed.   By a television writer.

Dinner last night:  Chef's salad.

This Date in History - May 4

Happy birthday to the Rolls Royce...well, sort of.

1415:  RELIGIOUS REFORMERS JOHN WYCLIFFE AND JAN HUS ARE CONDEMNED AS HERETICS AT THE COUNCIL OF CONSTANCE.

Don't mess with Connie.

1493:  POPE ALEXANDER VI DIVIDES THE NEW WORLD BETWEEN SPAIN AND PORTUGAL ALONG THE LINE OF DEMARCATION.

Don't mess with Pope Alex.

1626:  DUTCH EXPLORER PETER MINUIT ARRIVES ON AN ISLAND WHICH IS NOW PRESENT DAY MANHATTAN.

What time does the Circle Line leave?

1776:  RHODE ISLAND BECOMES THE FIRST AMERICAN COLONY TO RENOUNCE ALLEGIANCE TO KING GEORGE III.

This would be a big deal if the state wasn't as big as a postage stamp.

1859:  THE CORNWALL RAILWAY OPENS ACROSS THE ROYAL ALBERT BRIDGE LINKING THE COUNTRIES OF DEVON AND CORNWALL IN ENGLAND.

And Doc Martin applauds.

1871:  THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION, THE FIRST PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL LEAGUE, OPENS ITS FIRST SEASON IN FORT WAYNE, INDIANA.

No DH, I hope.

1880:  CARDINAL FRANCIS SPELLMAN IS BORN.

And will wind up as a high school in the Bronx.

1904:  THE UNITED STATES BEGINS CONSTRUCTION OF THE PANAMA CANAL.

Dig we must.

1904:  CHARLES STEWART ROLLS MEETS FREDERICK HENRY ROYCE IN ENGLAND.

Let's build a luxury car together.

1929:  ACTRESS AUDREY HEPBURN IS BORN.

Is it me or was she always too skinny?

1932:  IN ATLANTA, MOBSTER AL CAPONE BEGINS SERVING AN ELEVEN-YEAR PRISON SENTENCE FOR TAX EVASION.

He could evade taxes, but not jail.

1945:  WORLD WAR II - DENMARK IS LIBERATED WHEN GERMANY IS FORCED TO WITHDRAW, ENDING FIVE YEARS OF OCCUPATION.

There's the exit door, Hans.

1946:  IN SAN FRANCISCO BAY, US MARINES STOP A TWO-DAY RIOT AT ALCATRAZ.  

Go raise some birds.

1953:  ERNEST HEMINGWAY WINS THE PULITZER PRIZE FOR THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA.

Book report pending.

1959:  THE 1ST ANNUAL GRAMMY AWARDS ARE HELD.

Back when they awarded music you could listen to.

1961:  AMERICAN CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT - THE FREEDOM RIDERS BEGIN A BUS TRIP THROUGH THE SOUTH.

And they didn't sit in the back.

1970:  THE KENT STATE SHOOTINGS - FOUR STUDENTS ARE KILLED BY THE OHIO NATIONAL GUARD DURING A VIETNAM PROTEST.

Whoops.

1972:  GREENPEACE FOUNDATION IS FOUNDED IN CANADA.

Save a whale.

1975:  ACTOR MOE HOWARD DIES.

Why I oughta....

1979:  MARGARET THATCHER BECOMES THE FIRST FEMALE PRIME MINISTER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM.

Ask a coal miner there if he's thrilled about this.

1989:  IRAN-CONTRA AFFAIR - FORMER WHITE HOUSE AIDE OLIVER NORTH IS CONVICTED OF THREE CRIMES.

North going south.

1994:  ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER YITZHAK RABIN AND PLO LEADER YASSER ARAFAT SIGN A PEACE ACCORD, GRANTING SELF-RULE IN THE GAZA STRIP.

Yeah, that never works.

2009:  ACTOR DOM DELUISE DIES.

But he sure did enjoy a meal while he was here.

2012:  PIANIST MORT LINDSEY DIES.

The music guy on the old Merv Griffin Show.   And Judy Garland's pianist.

2012:  GAME SHOW PRODUCER BOB STEWART DIES.

"People Who Died on May 4."

Dinner last night:  Leftover Chinese beef.

Wrong Again!

Movie critics.   Many of us depend upon them to ferret out what to see and what not to see.

It cuts both ways.   You will remember my past review of "Hello, My Name is Doris."  Very positively received by film critics.  Yet, indeed, one of the worst movies I have ever seen.

Okay, then I recently reviewed "Everybody Wants Some!"  I went to see it mainly because the notices were superlative.   And I thought it was one of the best pictures of the year thus far.

You never know.   But, if I went back over time and did an informal survey, I would say that good film reviews are reliable perhaps 10 percent of the time.

Which leads me to the thing above.  "The Meddler."   My word, the great reviews are already listed in the poster.   You would think that this one has got a chance.

Um, no.

On all accounts, "The Meddler" is pretty much the same movie as "Hello, My Name is Doris."   Focusing on an older lady with mental issues that is played completely for laughs.   A misguided mess that hits every wrong note not once, not twice, but repeatedly.   Eventually you would think that if you keep hitting yourself in the head with a mallet, you'd lose consciousness.   Not this movie.   It just keeps on going down the wrong road until not even the Waze app could help you find your way out.

Susan Sarandon, who's completely looney tunes in real life anyway, plays a recently widowed pest who moves to Los Angeles to be near her screenwriting daughter.  And she takes over her life and the lives of most of her friends.

That's it for a plot.   I think the filmmakers want you to like Sarandon's character.   Trust me, it's impossible.  And then, if you consider that you're supposed to side with the daughter and feel her pain, well, guess again.   That character is so badly written that you hate her, too.    Indeed, the whole one in the cast you can warm up to is a cop played by J.K. Simmons.   If you blink...or more likely doze...you will miss his performance completely.  There are so many mistakes made in this film that you assume it was directed by the same people who managed Jeb Bush's Presidential campaign.

So you see this automobile wreck and you go back and read the reviews.   And you are astounded one more time.   How could they get it so wrong?

Back in the day, when Siskel and Ebert used to have a weekly show, you could really depend on their film critiques to be fair and reasonable.   Personally, Gene and I were usually on the same page.   But, sadly, both are now dead and so apparently is the art of getting a film review right.

"The Meddler."   Don't believe a thing that you've read.   It sucks.

And that's as succinct a review as I can muster up.

LEN'S RATING:  One-half star.

Dinner last night:  Chinese beef and vegetables.

Monday Morning Video Laugh - May 2, 2016

Saluting the late Doris Roberts.

Dinner last night:  Chopped kale salad.

The Sunday Memory Drawer - Miss Francis' Gown by Bonwit Teller

Via Time Warner Cable, I find myself suddenly having access to this retro cable network called Buzzr.   It's jam packed with reruns of old game shows and catnip to this kitty.  If you want to get a sense of television history, you need to indoctrinate yourself with this genre now long gone from the screen.

All the fun is here.   The wonderfully funny "Match Game 72-73-74-75-76-77-78-79-PM" with the criminally brilliant Charles Nelson Reilly as one of the panelists.   "Tattletales" with the hair spray-coiffed host Bert Convy and three feuding celebrity couples.   "Super Password" with Allen Ludden as host only to be replaced when he died by...wait for it...the aforementioned Convy.

But it's the late night offerings that intrigue me the most.   Black-and-white stuff from the 50s and 60s.  "To Tell The Truth" hosted by Bud Collyer and usually sponsored by Anacin.  "I've Got a Secret" with host Garry Moore and regular panelists Bill Cullen, Betsy Palmer, Henry Morgan, and Bess Myerson.

But there is one that I'm especially drawn to and I am revisiting one more time. Indeed, it actually came in at #20 of My Top 25 Favorite TV Shows of All Time.

"What's My Line?"   Sponsored back in the 50s by something called Stopette.   "Poof, there goes perspiration!"

Thanks to the Game Show Network a few years ago, the wonderfully infectious game show is still running just like it was when I was staying up late on Sunday nights to see it back when. It used to be situated right after "Candid Camera" and both those shows made me feel like I was part of the adult world. The adult world that was around the age of 7 or 8, but the adult world nonetheless. 

It was inexplicable that I was DVRing a show that featured episodes from over 60 years ago.   And even more inexplicable that I am watching them again thanks to Buzzr.   But, it is the greatest time capsule we can ever have of the entertainment world as it existed in the 50s and 60s. 

It also transports me back to summers of old. When that huge kitchen electric fan was blowing beautiful breezes through the house. And I was allowed for two months to stay up and watch "What's My Line?"

"What's My Line?" was like a big party game at somebody's house. The panelists could have been some configuration of my parents, aunts, and uncles who used to attack some kind of board game after one too many Schaefer beers. Except the WML panelists were usually in formal attire with gowns by Bonwit Teller, while my family was decked out in EJ Korvette's finest. The TV folks looked like they were having such fun guessing the occupation of a couple of nobodys. 

So were the folks at home. In what was perhaps the simplest form of TV games, we watched this as a family unit. My parents and grandparents gearing up for a week of work. I was prepping for another summer week of horseplay. And "What's My Line?" provided the best way to get that all started.

Beyond the odd occupations which frequently ranged from a lady umpire to a false teeth polisher, the best part of the show for me was when they would truck out a mystery guest for which the panel was blindfolded. Whoever was in NY showed up live on Sunday night to stump the panel. They were usually in town to promote some movie or their week-long upcoming engagement at the Copacabana. When you watch these damn things forty or fifty years later, it is like unopening some cigar box of junk you buried in your yard ages ago. Watch here as Lucy and Desi try to stump the panel at the very height of their "I Love Lucy" popularity.
 You never knew what to expect. Danny Kaye pops in to talk about kids getting those little orange boxes to trick or treat for UNICEF. Beyond those stupid blindfolds, you can actually see the mental wheels turning on each of the regular panelists, Bennett Cerf, Dorothy Kilgallen, and Arlene Francis, who was so cool I wanted her to be my mother. They're all trying to figure out who's in town or who is opening in a play. One of the contestants had a job sorting out Minnesota Twins tickets for the 1965 World Series that was starting later in the week.

Since the show was live, host John Charles Daly often references something that happened that day. A blizzard. A heat wave. The Pope's visit. The New York Football Giants' winning field goal. It's such a great timeline of life that the show should run on The History Channel.

Of course, "What's My Line?" had to endure almost on-screen deaths of two regular panelists. On some March night in 1956, Fred Allen dropped dead on the sidewalks of New York, while walking his dog. The very next night, he was supposed to be on WML, and, of course, with much grief, the show did go on. The same thing happened in 1965 when Dorothy Kilgallen went home from the program one Sunday night and promptly went buns up in bed. They reran these shows in sequence on the Game Show Network and it is very eerie to watch someone on "live" TV who you know will be dead in less than 12 hours. They still don't know whether it was a combo of booze and pills that did her in. Or, reportedly, she had some inside dope on President Kennedy's murder and got offed by the mob. Nevertheless, the following week's show was a study in how people deal with heartbreak over the loss of a friend. And it is all there in black and white fuzzy tape.

Whoever at producer Goodson-Todman had the foresight of taping all these live broadcasts was a genius. Because we can still enjoy this weekly cocktail party of life to this day. The darn thing ran for almost 18 years on CBS, and they amazingly have almost 98% of all the shows. There was always a guest male panelist. And when it was the quintessential Groucho Marx, watch out.


Gee, why couldn't my parents be that funny at their parties?

Dinner last night:  French dip panini at the Arclight.