392: ARBOGAST HAS EUGENIUS ELECTED WESTERN ROMAN EMPEROR.
So the Roman Empire had divisions like the National League?
476: ODOACER IS NAMED REX ITALIAE BY HIS TROOPS.
And Lerner and Loewe named Rex Harrison to be Henry Higgins.
565: ST. COLUMBA REPORTS SEEING A MONSTER IN LOCH NESS, ENGLAND.
And what Loch Ness tavern did St. Columbia stop at on his way home?
851: DURING THE BATTLE OF JENGLAND, ERISPOE DEFEATS CHARLES THE BALD.
No, that's not a typo. I wrote it correctly. Jengland.
1559: BARTOLOME CARRANZA, SPANISH ARCHBISHOP, IS ARRESTED FOR HERESY.
If he was nabbed in a foreign country, he would be arrested for theresy.
1642: CHARLES I CALLS THE ENGLISH PARLIAMENT TRAITORS AS THEIR CIVIL WAR BEGINS.
Traitors may not be the worst thing. It's bad enough they have to wear those goofy white wigs.
1654: JACOB BARSIMSON ARRIVES IN NEW AMSTERDAM AND IS THE FIRST KNOWN JEWISH IMMIGRANT TO AMERICA.
Of course, in the phone book, he was listed as "Jack Barr."
1717: SPANISH TROOPS LAND IN SARDINIA.
Home of the canned fish.
1791: BEGINNING OF THE HAITIAN SLAVE REVOLUTION IN SAINT-DOMINGUE.
And when they were done there, they moved en masse to my hometown of Mount Vernon, New York.
1831: NAT TURNER'S SLAVE REVOLUTION COMMENCES AT MIDNIGHT IN VIRGINIA.
And the special entertainment that night came from Nat's sister, Tina.
1848: THE UNITED STATES ANNEXES NEW MEXICO.
Fitting name given the holes in the fence on their southern border.
1862: COMPOSER CLAUDE DEBUSSY IS BORN.
La Mer!
1864: THE RED CROSS IS FORMED.
Donuts for everybody!
1893: WRITER DOROTHY PARKER IS BORN.
Famed for one of my favorite literary lines: "If you've got nothing good to say about somebody, come sit by me."
1902: CADILLAC MOTOR COMPANY IS FORMED.
Gas guzzling had to start some time.
1902: TEDDY ROOSEVELT BECOMES THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE US TO RIDE IN AN AUTOMOBILE.
I bet he was smart enough to keep the top on it.
1920: WRITER RAY BRADBURY IS BORN.
And he died just last month.
1925: ACTRESS HONOR BLACKMAN IS BORN.
Pussy Galore! Enough said.
1926: GOLD IS DISCOVERED IN SOUTH AFRICA.
In them thar apartheid hills.
1932: THE BBC FIRST EXPERIMENTS WITH TELEVISION BROADCASTING.
Thank God. Without this day, we would never have gotten "Downton Abbey."
1939: ACTRESS VALERIE HARPER IS BORN.
I once saw her get in the head with a roll at a restaurant. True story. Meanwhile, she's still hanging in there after that cancer diagnosis several years ago.
1939: BASEBALL STAR CARL YASTRZEMSKI IS BORN.
Ya, bum, ya.
1942: DURING WORLD WAR II, BRAZIL DECLARES WAR ON GERMANY AND ITALY.
Oh, I bet that really scared them.
1947: ACTRESS CINDY WILLIAMS IS BORN.
Schlamiegel, schlamogel.
1950: ALTHEA GIBSON BECOMES THE FIRST BLACK COMPETITOR IN INTERNATIONAL TENNIS.
Game set match.
1952: THE PENAL COLONY ON DEVIL'S ISLAND IS PERMANENTLY CLOSED.
So you August vacationers will need to figure out something else for the last week of the month.
1962: AN ATTEMPT TO ASSASSINATE FRENCH PRESIDENT CHARLES DE GAULLE FAILS.
Must be the same idiot who botched the chance to kill Al Sharpton.
1968: POPE PAUL VI ARRIVES IN BOGOTA, COLOMBIA. IT IS THE FIRST VISIT OF A POPE TO LATIN AMERICA.
Viva Le Pope Mobile.
1977: ACTOR SEBASTIAN CABOT DIES.
Mr. French!
1989: THE FIRST RING OF NEPTUNE IS DISCOVERED.
Turns out it was only Cubic Zirconium.
1989: NOLAN RYANS BECOMES THE FIRST MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL PITCHER TO RECORD 5,000 STRIKEOUTS.
Yeah, nice trade, Mets.
1989: ACTIVIST HUEY NEWTON DIES.
Good riddance.
1991: ACTRESS COLLEEN DEWHURST DIES.
Once married to George C. Scott. I would have liked to be a fly on the wall with one of their marital squabbles.
1996: BILL CLINTON SIGNS WELFARE REFORM INTO LAW.
Yeah, that lasted. All completely undone by now.
2007: THE TEXAS RANGERS ROUT THE BALTIMORE ORIOLES, 30-3, THE MOST RUNS SCORED BY A TEAM IN MODERN MLB HISTORY.
My worst nightmare? They scored 30 runs on all singles.
2011: SONGWRITER NICK ASHFORD DIES.
Simpson now looking for a new partner.
2011: SONGWRITER JERRY LEIBER DIES.
Simpson, please say hello to Stoller.
Dinner last night: Leftover tortellini.
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