Your Friendly Saturday Night Movie Guide

As the marquee of the now defunct Elmsford Drive-In adorns today's post, I continue on with my new monthly feature. I'm going to help you find a movie to see tonight. I flip through the pages of today's LA Times and comment on each ad as I see it. Total gut reaction. Enjoy your flick. Remember: It's Koooooool Inside! Unless, of course, you're going to a drive-in.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Is this the fourth movie? Or the fifth? How many of the books are out? I am as confused as I was when I read and saw the first one. This stuff is pure escapist fare. And I, indeed, have escaped it. Not on my list. I know the last book is due out and there is speculation that Harry gets offed at the end. Now, wouldn't that pretty much negate the filming of the last two books? I'm just saying...

Talk To Me: Don Cheadle as some real life shock jock. Not a fan of the guy. He always reminds me that he's ACTING!!!!!

Dr. Bronner's Magic Sopabox: Apparently some documentary on some guy who developed some soap. Should be required viewing in any trailer park. Not required viewing by me.

Captivity: Elisha Cuthbert locked up in a basement....again. She's had more gags in her mouth than Joan Rivers. Rim shot.

Interview: Something about a journalist interviewing a celebrity. Steve Buscemi is in it. That means it couldn't possibly be a romantic comedy, could it?

Evening: What a cast! Claire Danes, Toni Collette, Vanessa Redgrave, Patrick Wilson, Natasha Richardson, Meryl Streep, Glenn Close. And the reviews say it is dreadful. Next.

Transformers: I am not under 18. Sorry. By the way, I'm amazed by how quickly kids can flip these things around into different toys. As for me, with my arthritic thumb, I often have to ask my roommate to open a Snapple bottle.

Rescue Dawn: Some war flick by Werner Herzog. I have to be in the mood.

My Best Friend: It is described as a French farce. Which means it's probably about that country's ability to mount a Nazi resistance during World War II.

License to Wed: Robin Williams as a priest? Lock up your altar boys, please. No way, Renee.

Sicko: I already swallowed this pill. It is interesting that the ad today features a picture of Bush. They want to make it look like Fahrenheit 9/11. PS: The President is hardly in it. False advertising.

Ratatouille: I will definitely see this at some point at the great El Capitan Theater. But, first, I want to make sure every kid in Los Angeles has already seen it at least twice.

Introducing the Dwights: a dark British comedy with Brenda Blethyn. She's always reliable. This is the type of movie you see when the picture you really want is sold out.

I Have Never Forgotten You: The Life and Legacy of Simon Wiesenthal: A real popcorn movie. Not hardly.

Joshua: Looks like The Omen, Part 12. Anyone with an original idea, please report to the front desk.

Knocked Up: Already experienced this evening sickness. Still born.

Ocean's Thirteen: Still running. Still not seeing.

Broken English: Don't need to see this. I live this every day in Los Angeles and New York.

Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer: I still have not adopted a five year-old. Pass.

A Mighty Heart: Not to be confused with A Mighty Wind. Yeah, I probably will see this at some point, but I already know what happens at the end. It was in all the papers.

La Vie En Rose: This movie is hanging in there. Great story. Watch her waste away to nothing.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End: I have yet to walk the plank.

Live Free or Die Hard: Already lost these two hours of my life. They should have stopped with Nakatome Plaza, which, by the way, is really around the corner from my house.

I actually know what I am seeing tonight and it is none of the above. Once again, I am resorting to a revival house. Tune in tomorrow for the big reveal.

Dinner last night: BBQ Pork and Fried Rice.