How To Get Me to the Baseball Playoffs This Year

As you probably know, I am a ticket holder for my two favorite baseball teams, the Mets and the Dodgers. A bicoastal existence certainly requires allegience to a team on each coast. Here, after the All Star break, I am looking at two potential routes to playoff games. The Mets are in first place in the NL East, although certainly not the runaway powerhouse they were in 2006. The Dodgers are in first place, just one game ahead of the Dopes from San Diego in the NL West. It's going to be a fun couple of months.

So, my question to both Ned Colletti (Dodger GM on the left) and Omar Minaya (Met GM on the right) is how are you two going to ensure that I have playoff games to attend this October? Of course, my seat options are a lot better on the West Coast than in Flushing. Here in LA, I'd get my usual seat for every single game. At Shea, I would wind up with every third game in a seat that is in the Laguardia flight pattern. But, still, I'd dig a shot at the World Series no matter where. Just in case these two guys haven't give this a thought in the past few days, let me help them both with some ideas on how we can make sure my days are booked up this fall.

Ned:

Do not, by any means, trade either James Loney or Matt Kemp. They are the future of the team. The Russell Martins of 2008 and 2009.

Have either Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton drive Brent Tomko to LAX immediately.

Tell Grady Little to stop putting Olmedo Saenz up in crucial pinch hitting situations. Am I the only one who is noticing his bat has slowed this year? In fact, the only thing probably slower than his bat speed this season is his metabolism. Ban him from the buffet table please. And the "all-you-can-eat" right field pavillion.

As tempting as it might be, don't drop your pants if the Marlins put Dontrelle Willis on the market. Check his stats. He ain't worth the attention. He's lights out for most of a game, but there is always one inning where the D-Train goes on the local track for a few stops.

Use a Strat-o-Matic game to illustrate to manager Grady Little the positive attributes of a sacrifice bunt.

Walk away if Tampa Bay offers you anybody. Give him Padres GM Kevin Towers' cell phone number instead.

Brad Penny's been great since he broke up with Alyssa Milano. Please have her season ticket seats moved from behind the backstop.

If we're stuck with Juan Pierre's arm for the next five seasons, at least get him to wear his hat straight. Right now, he's looking like one of the Little Rascals.

I know he has started to hit lately, but you should still discretely leave AARP literature around Jeff Kent's locker.

Find out what Luis Gonzalez was drinking the first half of the season and order a case for Nomar Garciaparra.

Omar:

I know you're dying to do it, but please don't try to sign Juan Marchial just because you found out he is still alive.

Please find a pitcher that has experience and is under the age of 35.

Please find a leftfielder that has experience and is under the age of 35.

When the score is tied in extra innings, please don't allow Jose Reyes to cut off a chicken's head in the dugout.

Do not rely on Pedro's August return. His injury recovery is not the slam dunk fans are expecting.

As tempting as it may be, don't drop your pants if the Marlins put Dontrelle Willis on the market. See above.

Let's face it. The head shaving didn't work. As much as it's saving Wilpon on shampoo in the locker room, tell them all to return to 2006 length.

Put a limit on the number of players with the name "Carlos."

Have either Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton drive Scott Schoeneweis to JFK immediately.

Inquire about nursing homes for Moises Alou.

Dinner last night: BBQ Pork Sandwich at the Cheesecake Factory.