Your First Wednesday of the Rest of the Year

Except perhaps for Southern California, where humans are being baked thin and extra crispy, Summer is over. The last week of August was a vacation for me, with a variety of visitors from out-of-town. Of course, this involved going out and co-mingling with the general public. Never good.

---You get a good idea how obese this nation is when you visit a theme park frequented by tourists. Disneyland looked like Richard Simmons' nightmare.

---It's time to bring back President Kennedy's fitness program. I'd add a little spin. If you can't do 100 situps, say hello to Siberia.

---I saw more medium t-shirts on XXL bodies than I want to see in a lifetime.

---Too many bare midriffs that looked like bake shops. Yep, lots of rolls.

---Surprisingly, we did not see a lot of Asians. There must be a Disneyland outlet park.

---My Mickey Mouse excursion also brought me in touch one more time with that slimy individual, better known as the Amusement Park Faker.

---You know who I mean. That man or woman you see getting pushed all over the place in a wheelchair or motorized cart. They cut the line just as you are about to get on your ride.

---Then, all of a sudden, mid-ride, they display more dexterity than Sammy Davis Jr. on the Ed Sullivan Show.

---I literally saw some wheelchair-bound slug get out of his chair like it was a miracle at Lourdes and climb onto Big Thunder Railroad.

---The amazing healing powers of Walt Disney.

---That actually gives a bad name to anybody who legitimately needs that break in life.

---While these jerks are on their SoCal tour, may I suggest the Santa Monica Pier? Try the far end. There is a slight slope and no railing.

---That brings to mind another nutjob phenomenon. The Phony Foreigner.

---This is the chucklehead from another country who claims to no speaka da English only when they are told they can't do something. Meanwhile, they possess an English word power akin to Allen Ludden

---I had two of these morons on the tour of Sony Studios. Two Italian chicks kept wandering off into parts unknown, requiring our nice young tour guide to stop and find them.

---At one point, these two dimwits had apparently gotten past security and sauntered onto the top secret set of a new movie.

---The tour guide told us later it was another film in the &n#i{n$ +on@^ series.

---The tour kid was a nice guy and we promised not to reveal the secret.

---He also told us not to park our Ford in Harrison, New York.

---N'yuk, n'yuk.

---A visit to the Jeopardy set prompted another look at how they pick their contestants. We were told that, not only do you need to be smart, but you can't be boring.

---Will someone then explain to me Ken Jennings? I don't want to be sitting across from him at a dinner party. Yawn. The human equivalent of a fly walking up your living room drape.

---The vacation finally allowed me to get around to seeing the Simpsons Movie. The best writing to be found in five years of movie scripts.

---Well, heck, it ought to be clever. There were 11 writers attached to the screenplay credit.

---In my 10 plus years in Los Angeles, I can't remember a hotter spell than we have had now. 105 degrees on Sunday.

---I'd still take it over 75 degrees and 100 percent humidity in New York, when you have to take another shower after just combing your hair.

---The excessive heat prompted the Hollywood Bowl Orchestra to conduct an impromptu sing-along to "White Christmas" at the end of their Paramount Studios tribute on Sunday night.

---Watching Pedro Martinez' debut on Monday vs. the Reds, I had a baseball epiphany.

---Mr. Met is simply the Reds mascot logo without the moustache. I never noticed that before.

---By the way, the Mets need to lose that "Sweet Caroline" nonsense they do in the eighth inning.

---Didn't the Red Sox fans start that a few years ago? The damn thing was immortalized in the movie "Fever Pitch."

---Once again, the Shea experience has now taken on this cheesy carnival/state fair atmosphere. And now it's not even original.

---If the Noo Jork Mezz want to do a fan singalong every game, they should pick their own song. And one their fans can get behind.

---"La cucaracha, la cucaracha."

---I'm waiting for Endy Chavez Cock Fight Night.

---If we keep talking about a third world nation, what specifically is the second world?

---Another toy recall from China. That's how they are planning to kill us. With excessive lead and car insurance rates.

---For once, Jerry Lewis looked reasonably healthy on his annual telethon. Gone was the shoe polish doubling as hair pomade. And his head wasn't the size of a Bob's Big Boy franchise.

---The Budweisers, however, have caught up to Ed McMahon, who looked like the crypt keeper.

---Of course, Jerry got nabbed for dropping the F bomb on the show. And, with Mr. Lewis, that F never stands for "funny."

---This really happened when I dropped off a guest at American Airlines in LAX. I go to take the elevator in the parking garage. I press down and the elevator opens with no lighted direction. I ask the jerk inside. "Are you going up or down?"

---He answers, "Yes." And the doors close.

Dinner last night: Teriyaki Chicken and rice at the Cheesecake Factory.